Being OK

I originally wrote this and posted it on Facebook 4 years ago - July 26, 2014.

Apparently, I had an amazing glimpse into and foresight of, the future.
At the time of my original post, my Dad was still mobile and relatively healthy (even as he was undergoing chemo) and although I don’t remember exactly what, something must have prompted me to write; likely another medical scare of some kind.
I'm posting it here so I can easily refer to it in the future.

Even four years later, re-reading what I wrote made an impact on me, again.
Powerful writing, back then as the son of a cancer patient, and now on the other side of the equation:


Clearly, you can always say that someone has it worse than you do, and that no matter how bad or dire your situation seems, it's quite better than what others may be dealing with. Some days there is complete and utter acceptance, of saying "it is what it is, and life does in fact go on.

And there are THOSE days.

The ones when you may question "why me?" -- not to mean why not someone else but it's a sign of a struggle between you and yourself. The struggle of realizing you just can't fix it all. The struggle to relinquish the control, of something you have zero control over.

These same days when you find those feelings of envy or jealousy bubbling to the surface. Jealous of those who don't know what's going on. Envious of those who are ignorant. Not intentionally ignorant, but who just have not had to deal with the same stuff, cross those same bridges, to realize that nothing lasts forever, and we are only on this earth for a finite period.

Jealous that they can be so carefree and live in the moment, where I don't feel I have that luxury anymore. Jealous that in my mind, that tomorrow goes on forever, when in reality, it doesn't.

You have to make the most of each and every moment you are blessed to spend with your loved ones and friends.

There's no explanation, no magic fix to make it all better.

All you can do is have faith in that even if it's not ok right now, it really still is OK. And it will be.

We Will Rebuild

Here in Arizona, the monsoons are a frequent occurrence during the summer.
Often, they are precluded by the dust storms that roll in first.
These walls of dirt and dust roll in, with somewhat little notice, overtake the air and ground, and then move on - generally, but not always, followed by rains that clear the area and restore the upset.

It was after one of these storm combinations recently, that made me realize grief can be so very similar.

I had missed (fell asleep during) a recent storm.  I heard my phone buzz with the monsoon alert and promptly fell asleep. As conditions were ripe again the following day, I hoped and prayed I would be awake to witness Mother Nature in all her glory.
Be careful what you ask for.

Mother Nature, as I had hoped, did not disappoint. My phone again went off, I looked outside and saw the beginning of the sky turn the typical shade of hot chocolate brown. I got very excited and went outside to experience it. At this point, there was no rain and not much wind. I stood outside our apartment, looking out to the street and just soaking in the experience. Had my Dad still been here, we would have been the texting pictures and updates to each other, from our respective locations, what color the sky was, how fast the clouds were moving, etc.
 

I made fun of him for it, but I am my Father’s son.
In all honesty, we were/are both weather geeks and wannabe meteorologists.
He always hated the term “haboob” which is probably why I love saying it so much.

I stood outside and in those moments, I felt an amazing connection with my Dad during this time. As the dust wall rolled in, I felt a sense of peace come over me.
He was with me.

A few minutes later, I returned back inside our apartment and that’s when the gravity of the situation hit. I couldn’t call my Dad to share this moment with him. I couldn’t text him my pictures and compare his sky to mine. My Dad wasn’t here, and this monsoon had given me a tremendous trigger and caught me off guard. There were both inside my head and outside storms occurring that night.

I went to the computer to type some of my thoughts, and I began to cry hard.
I really miss my Dad.
 
I wrote this on his FB page an in effort to communicate with my Dad and talk to him:
 
I went outside and stood for a few minutes, admiring nature in all its glory. We would have been on the phone - texting pics, giving updates on the exact shade of brown and comparing weather radar apps.
For as much as I made fun of you for it, I am the exact same way.
I am a wannabe weather broadcaster, and
I am your son.
Standing outside before, I felt this sense of calm and peace come over me. Did you grant my wish to see a storm in person? I felt connected to you by watching outside, but it’s a double edged sword and is really making me miss you.
I’ve been able to survive without calling you before now, but this caught me off guard.
What a tremendous trigger.
I can only imagine the kind of breathing issues you’d be having with hot chocolate dust for air.
I love and miss you so much, Dad.
❤️💔
There is a running joke with a meme that goes around here with a picture of a fallen over patio chair captioned “WE WILL REBUILD.”

What’s that about when the student is ready, the teacher appears.
As I drove to work the next morning, is when the idea of the monsoon storm symbolizing grief popped into my head, and this blog entry was born.


It has taken me a few days to get time to express these thoughts in writing.

I wrote last night (now two days after the monsoon described above)
I’ve been in a terrible funk off and on for about the past week and a half or so...but in a moment of strength a few hours ago, I decided to listen to some voicemails I had saved from my Dad. I wasn’t sure what would happen emotionally, but I was thrilled to hear his voice and hear him say “I love you” or call me one of the many nicknames he had for me. I heard his sense of humor that I miss. I laughed. For a few brief shining moments, it was nice to hear. I’m so glad I had saved those and any email he sent me over the past few years, so that I have them for all time. Or as long as GMail and Google Voice let me. ❤️ It didn’t upset me, it gave me peace.

We will rebuild.
Indeed, I will.
I am rebuilding.

Dear Bone Marrow Donation Recipient

This started out as a letter to the person I donated to, that I planned to post on the 1 year anniversary date of my Bone Marrow Donation Date. But, Fate had other plans.

My Bone Marrow Donationversary is May 15th.

On May 8th, I received a call from Be the Match advising that the person I donated to last year was at risk and needed a boost - of white cells, as was explained to me. It was never a question - I immediately agreed and started the entire process as I did last year - Full Health History Questionnaire (45 minutes on the phone), Physical Exam, Two sets of Labwork and exactly two weeks later to the date of the May 8th Phone call, I was in the hospital for the day to donate.

The process leading up to the donation, and even the donation itself was quite similar. Get to the hospital, take bloodwork to make sure everything is good one final time.  Then I had about 45 minutes to have breakfast while they waited for my numbers to return. At which point, I was hooked up again with both arms immobilized; one arm to extract the stem cells from my body and into the apheresis machine, and the other line (and arm) to return it back to my arm. Like last year, they kept what they wanted and returned what they didn't want.

What was different this year was, I lost use of both arms for the approximately 4-6 hours while I was laid up in bed. I had no problem doing what I did, and even still, I would do it again if the opportunity presented itself, but I think it was a matter of how the two hospitals operated differently. The hospital last year left me one arm to negotiate with, while this year it appeared they went by the book. I had brought a couple of snacks back from the cafeteria with me, only to receive a warning that I wasn't going to be able to eat during the procedure, or use the restroom. They were pretty strict (and by the book). I accepted the no eating, but I told them I needed to use the bathroom even if it was a urinal and so they acquiesed and agreed - I was able to use a urinal, but they would not let me get out of bed to use it, which proved to be interesting.

At any rate, I was hooked up and it was also very similar to the platelet donations I do once a month. Unfortunately, a vein my left arm collapsed so they had to manipulate the line midway through and as a result I received (after a couple of days) the mother of all bruises - probably the biggest black, blue, and purple mark I have ever received in my life. Although I wear it as a badge of honor, and it does not hurt....I would have hoped it would have been a smaller bruise like last year, when I ended up with a heart shaped bruise of my left forearm.

With all that time on the bed without my Ipad, without my phone (talk about being cutoff), I had plenty of time to think, but surprisingly, I didn't use the time to process what I was going through. Not really sure why, perhaps it was a measure of self protection. 

The days leading up to the donation, I was no less inclined to go through, but I began to get more emotional. There was no question, EVER, that I would go through with it, because I was helping to give someone life, but without my Dad here, it was really a completely different experience for me. It made me face the fact that although I had always dreamed of somehow saving him, this was forcing me to acknowledge, that the possibility of that was just gone, and so that preyed on my emotions, in combination with the fact that this donation was described to me as an "imminency" donation, meaning it is a last ditch effort.

A friend stated to me that what I did was "powerful and humbling all the same"
I think that is a perfect summation of the experience.

It's almost a week from my 2nd donation date and I still don't feel like I have completely processed all the feelings and dealt with my emotions relating to the experience. Processing that I am possibly this gentleman's last hope. Processing that I hope at minimum, I can give him and his family some extra time together to hug and kiss, and say what they need to, if they need to...Something we all did on a daily basis when it came to my Dad, but we did not have the extra time we all wanted. But, no one really does. Knowing what the future held would have not changed anything except made me stress and cry more. But, I hope for much more. I hope  this man receives the cure he needs. I hope he lives and gets to enjoy many more years with his loved ones. All I wanted to do was take away my Father's pain and misery...fix him. That's all I want to do for my donation recipient. I want to make him better. The struggles of being a "fixer." Perhaps I have avoided the feelings until now because deep down I knew it would reactivate what I feel for and about my Dad.

As I wrote on the day of the donation:
"Here we went again - I donated stem cells again today. I hope this works for him. Whereas last time I felt for most part, great honor - which I still do. I’ve been chosen twice!! This time, my feelings are more mixed. I always said I wanted to help someone else’s Dad since I couldn’t help (I was not a match for him) my own. Now, the possibility of helping my Dad is no longer a possibility. The process this time makes me face that reality. When your parent is aging or suffering, all you want to do is make the hurt and pain go away. Similar to how a parent feels about their child. I hope I am at minimum, giving another family some more cherished time together. I am sure my Dad is smiling that I have this wonderful opportunity again"

Below is what I originally planned to post on this blog with a few changes based on what  I now know:

Dear Bone Marrow Donor Recipient,

When I joined Be The Match, the Bone Marrow Donor Registry that matches donors with recipients, my goal was to help someone, anyone. I was not a match for my Dad, and from the minute I joined the registry, I had said to anyone that would listen "If I can't save my Dad, then I want to save someone else's Dad."

Through a few months of blood tests and physical exams, One year ago today, on Monday, May 15, 2017 - My dream came true. The entire journey, but most especially the donation day, holds a very special place in my heart, and it was my honor to donate anonymously to you.  My donation procedure was called PBSC - Peripheral Blood Stem Cell Donation.

I hope you are doing well and that you and your family get to enjoy your company and share your love for many, many more years. I know you are from Europe and were just a few years younger than my Dad's age. Do you have kids and grandkids?

I think about you and wonder, besides the obvious, how did this affect your life? 
Did you take on my blood type as a result of the donation?
How long did the procedure take and how long until you got to go home?

I may never get the answers to these questions, but I like to think that I was as close to a perfect match as you could get (Be The Match told me I had to be a very high percentage of a match to even be considered as an anonymous donor).

The fact I was called twice to donate to you makes me think I am a really close match to you, and even perhaps, that we share some common heritage or possibly the same religion.
(I joked that after I finished donating, I was going to patrol the halls of the hospital looking for my blood cells.  I felt that I would recognize my own cells immediately, and they would make themselves known to me because I would see little blue Stars of David floating around somewhere)

I hope you are enjoying life, and that your form of cancer has been cured and that you are in remission.I pray that it has.

If your situation is as dire as I am led to think, I hope you take every single minute to hug and kiss and spend time with your loved ones, and I hope they do the same with you. Take pictures, Talk, Hold each other. Hugs. Anything, as long as you spend time together, will be worth it.

I think I have now aged out of Be the Match - They prefer donors aged 43 and younger. So, I barely made it through before I turned too old.  Never say never - I never thought I would be called a second time...and if I am called again - I will again answer the call. 

The process, in part, inspired me to continue helping those in need, especially after my Dad died by donating platelets,  about once a month. The process is quite similar - Dracula sucks the blood out, they keep the platelets, and then they return the rest of the blood components back into my arm. The entire process takes about 2 hours or so. Two hours, that I can give up to give someone else what they need.

Because my Dad was historically low in platelets - that's what I chose to donate, Even before I found out that my Blood Type is a Universal Donor Type for Platelets, so any other blood type can use my platelets. That made me even more happy. My Dad would have called me a Platelet Whore (He called himself the Chemo Whore).

The text messages I get telling me that my blood is on its way to a hospital to help someone in need warm my heart. The same way my bone marrow did when it was on its way to you.

I wish you and your family all the best, and a great big high five and hug from your friend in America.

Love,
Jeff

Every Step is a Step Forward, Even if it Feels Like You are Stepping Backward

Last weekend was about my Mom.

All about my Mom.

As it should be.

It didn’t work, but I tried to put my grief on hold and focus everything on My Mother, her Birthday, and Mother’s Day.

Friday, we went out for a nice dinner, as we usually do on Fridays.

We went to Texas Roadhouse and both had enough leftover for another meal.

Satruday, as we usually do again, we went out for Mom’s Birthday – this time to Sal’s. (Italian).

Sal’s is one of our favorite/regular places, and it was the first time we thought of going there since my Dad died.

On the way there, I started to tear up, but I shoved those feelings down.

This weekend was about Mom – I wasn’t going to get upset or bring her day down.

I shoved those feelings down so hard, I wonder if part of me hoped I could never recover them.

Sunday, we planned to either go out again (LOTS of leftovers!) or eat some of the leftovers.

Since it was Mother’s Day, I hoped to go out, but it wasn’t in the cards.

We both had a bad emotion kind of day.

Even though Mother’s Day is about Mothers – It caught me off guard.

Maybe it caught both of us off guard.

I did not expect that Mother’s Day would hit me and both of us, so hard.

We got thru my Mom’s birthday pretty well unscathed.

Her birthday did not hit us the way my birthday did.

I thought, Wow..she is dealing with it pretty well..

Seeing as how on my birthday, I did not want to honor it, I did not want to celebrate it, I did not want to anything it, because it was nothing without my Dad here.

Those feelings I shoved down and tried to avoid, came bubbling back up to the surface on Sunday with Mother’s Day.

Without my Dad here, the day felt awkward, out of place, something was missing, empty.

What I learned was, you can’t put grief on hold anymore than someone telling you to “get over it” doesn’t work either.

I read something recently – “every step is a step forward, even if it feels like you are stepping backward”

That’s exactly what this felt like – If Mother’s Day was this tough, I am not looking forward to Father’s Day.

It took us a few days, but we recovered.

In hindsight, that is definitely a step forward. 

We didn't park there permanently. 

Thank Goodness.

Judging from what I see in the online support groups I participate in – I am not alone.

Any holiday is rough.

And It is impossible at least for me, to compartmentalize my grief, as I tried to do.

I think its the first time I tried to.

Much like it did with my Dad, it drives me insane and irritates me to no end when I cannot fix what is wrong with someone else.

All I want is to make it better, but I can’t even do that for myself, in this situation.

So instead, what we can do is make the most out of the time we get to share together.

Like going out to dinner, and to see live theatre like the Diary of Anne Frank last night.

We both enjoyed the night and the company. <3

We stopped on the way to see my Dad. 

The timing was just right.

We got to visit with him and "see" and talk to him on our way to go out last night

It almost felt like he was right there with us, even though plays and especially stuff involving the Holocaust was just too hard for him to take.

What I can do is what I have long advised others to do – celebrate the small victories, and just tread and navigate through the rough waters when they appear.

The Ebbs and Flows of Grief

[Disclaimer: Originally written more than a few weeks ago, and then updated before posting today]


Today is exactly 7 months since my Dad left.

Yesterday, catching the the end of a movie I had seen many times, made me cry. Annie. It has nothing to do with my Dad, and everything to do with my Dad. My Dad basically hated musicals, I think he handled Grease because my first love was in it, Olivia Newton-John. Watching the end of Annie, I started to cry because she got to go back to her Daddy. I don’t have that luxury, as least not yet.

This morning, flipping channels again, I ran past Rocky Two and am currently watching Rocky Three. Instead of being upset (at least at this moment), I’m comforted because I could picture us watching these together, him in the recliner chair, and me on the couch, as I played with the phone, and him yelling at me that I had to “catch up on my gossip!” ... this was our life, up to the time the real struggles began. I took it for granted. Who wouldn’t?

Now, as my Mom and I grieve together...
After the guilt I put myself through about taking tomorrow for granted when it came to my Dad, I absolutely refuse to make those same mistakes when it comes to my Mother.
We consciously make new memories that I hold close. 
 

We went to an old west casino night recently and dressed up.
Probably the first and only time I will ever be able to pull off "Cowboy"

We have gone to see musicals like “A Chorus Line” or spent a fun day at the Aquarium. 

We are Elite (Gold) with AMC because of how often we go to the movies. 

Normal, everyday type stuff like how we (she) make some things for dinner that both of us like but my Dad didn’t like. 

We have seen the Boston Pops, and next month we will see "The Diary of Anne Frank" performed live as well as the Phoenix Symphony performing John Williams' soundtracks. We both hope they play the Superman theme for us.

Or even the fact that we sit down at the table and eat a meal together - something that suffered last year as my Dad suffered, and that I really, really missed.

Sometimes, you just can't help it.
You try to find the new normal. You hate it.

There's times I have complete acceptance of what is, is...whatever will be, will be.
And there are times when you still fight the change and all you want is what used to be.

The grief can hit you at the most random times with a random trigger.
On the way to meet some friends for dinner recently, the Meatloaf song "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" came on. The more I tried to contain myself, the more my grief was determined to make its way out.  The tears came streaming down my face as I listened to the lyrics:

But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad

My brain was trying to play some tricks on me and what I kept hearing:
 But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna leave you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
(and the two out of the three were my Mom and myself)


Just as Annie made me cry a few weeks ago, a Meatloaf song made me cry, listening to the lyrics.

In some ways, it is unfathomable to me that it has been 7 months exactly since I have seen my Dad, hugged him, been able to tell him I love him, or hear in his voice that he loves me. Even though I know this in my heart.

My Mother and I are in what is probably going to be, one of the most difficult periods we are going through since the death and funeral. Next Friday, May 4th, we honor my Dad for the first time as an "In Memory Of" Cancer Survivor instead of "In Honor Of" at the Chandler Relay for Life. Unfortunately, at times, I am not really looking forward to it this year.
It is a huge slap in the face making me acknowledge the missing piece of my life.

Every time we have Relayed, it has been with my Dad.
His missing physical presence will be intimately and acutely felt by all of us.

The Sunday after, we will again honor him by following the guidelines of Judaism, while many of our family and friends are here, and unveil his headstone. Because I felt like such a mess and in a fog, in the time of the death, funeral, and aftermath, I hope to truly make my Dad proud by designing and conducting the entire Unveiling service myself.

Welcome once again, to the ebbs and flows of my grief.

Minute by Minute, Hour By Hour, Day By Day

One piece of advice I have routinely heard since my Dad died last September:
"Take it Day By Day."

Actually, I heard it before then. Many have told me it to me in efforts to help assist me in managing my stress. Probably, even my Father.

Although I understood the words, I think its only recently that I truly began to understand their meaning. 

You can feel fine and upbeat in the morning, and your sadness/depression/loss can build throughout the day, week, or weekend. Then what?

You take it day by day, or at the beginning - you have to take it hour by hour, and sometimes even minute by minute.

I called the day after my Dad died, and I have seen a therapist since then regularly.

I searched for, and found, a Grief Support Group where my Mom and we can discuss how our grief impacts us how the loss of our loved one impacts our lives. 

I found an online support group that supplements the in person one, and is equally as helpful.

They are a place for us to be around others who understand and get it, without having to explain a thing.

I have freely provided encouragement and support to friends who have lost a parent after I lost one of mine, just as some did for me. I will never forget that, because of how much it helped. I I hate that others have to go thru this same living hell that I do. I vowed to help others as I was helped.

My friends and I call it the club, and although none of us want to be in it, we are all there to help support each other through our grief. 

All you can do is take it by day.
Just like before my Dad died, and when he was struggling:
"Cherish the good days and make it through the bad ones"

When my Mom is having a bad day which can sometimes impact me having a good day, because I am an Empath and I can pick up on her emotions. I feel bad that she isn't feeling her best - take it day by day, or hour by hour.

As I said earlier, I don't think I really understood what that meant until very recently.
Everything is temporary, I read once.
But it didn't really sink it until just now.

I was sitting on the couch, missing my Dad.
But Everything is temporary - my grief and the extreme loss I feel may be permanent, but memories do not always make me so sad.

I have progressed from where I was 6 months ago, where I have been able at times to listen to my Dad's voice and watch videos of him; something I was not able to do for many months because it devastated me emotionally.

Very recently, I ran across something on Facebook I have searched for from the very beginning of my grief journey:  an online grief support to supplement the other ways I seek assistance and help. The group has been a wonderful addition to my support system, and is everything I had been looking for.  Yesterday, as I struggled with my grief, I saw this post:

I am bouncing forward everyday!
I still have moments, but I continue to press on and bounce fearlessly forward with each day.

This morning I [details removed] made a mental note of that precious memory. These moments don’t take me spiraling down the rabbit hole anymore. They are sweet moments of remembering and honoring those memories. I put on my workout clothes and got ready for a dose of self-care.

Our lives did not end on that awful day. They just started over. Keep bouncing forward! Your story is still being written.

This is something I agree with, and try to do, but I was in awe of this author and their comments. My jaw dropped on the floor when they further noted that they were only 6 months out from grief! Almost timewise where I am at.

It was this post that dropped the "Day by Day" idea in my head.

At work earlier this week, I saw this occur almost in front of my eyes. There was a few minutes where I was overwhelmed with something, and I felt my grief literally rise up through my head, like a rising level of flooding water of emotion. And just that quickly, within a few minutes, the water level had receded to an acceptable and manageable level. I have learned not only what my triggers are (stress at work is a big one) but also how to recognize when the storm or tidal wave (which is how I think of grief) is approaching. Not sure how to explain it really, but I can sense something oncoming, even if I can't put my finger on it at the time.

I feel like I am entering a new phase - one where the grief is not all the time, everyday, but rises and drops - minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day - more than I have noticed it before. I can still manage to have a good day with an emotional hour or breakdown during the day.

It is ALL you can do. Take things day by day.
It is futile to stress over things you can't do anything about or control - 
even though I have a very rough time with that.

So, take it day by day, and enjoy each day as it comes - the good and bad.
It is exactly how my Dad chose to live.

What Do You Miss Most?

Recently, my cousin pointed out that of the 9 cousins (4 families), only my cousin and his siblings have an intact parent unit: Mom and Dad. The rest of us, have all lost out our Dads. It was a sobering, yet unrecognized fact, I hadn't paid attention to.

Must have been a pensive day. At the Grief Support Group we attend, the focus question was "What do you miss the most about your Dad?"

Clearly, It is impossible to pick one thing when you love and miss someone so much.

The first thought that popped into my head was "he didn't take my shit, and he dished that shit right back to me."  This was the epitome of our relationship - We were Father and Son, by birth;  but by life we became near Brothers, and definite Best Friends.  

We teased, tormented, and taunted each other. We EACH knew how to push each other's buttons, say that one thing that would instantly set the other person off, and we kept doing it even after we knew how much it irritated the other person.

I would call him Al and ask him what was the name on his birth certificate. 
Just to be the little shit that I was and that he called me affectionately.

The taunting started early. I remember listening to the Grease Soundtrack in 1979, when I had this enormous (to this day) crush on Olivia Newton-John. He would torment me by referring to my first girlfriend, Olivia, as Olivia Fig Newton. It would irritate me to no end and I would constantly correct him in as exasperated tone as a 6 year old could do.

Both of us were equally as guilty because there were always water fights, Ice Attacks as you were showering, there was even a baby powder surprise attack one night, when I'm surprised neither of us was killed by my mother after that one. We were lucky.

Driving was a whole other story.
I loved to scream as he backed up the car to make him panic and scream back, as he slammed on the breaks, yelled back at me, called me "you sonnnnnnnofabitch"

No matter what he screwed up on while driving, we never let him live it down or forget it.
He missed a turn once, my Mom and I got excited (you could say we freaked out), and his retort was the classic and infamous "SO I MISSED THE FUCKING TURN, ITS NOT THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD!!" -- This from the Man who refused to curse in front of his impressionanable young son, who would correct "oh shit" to "oh sugar" when I was really young - which made me dissolve into giggles and made me really laugh the rare times when an "oh shit" really did slip out. It was so infrequent, that he once called and left a voicemail on my phone which ended with an "oh shit" that I have still kept it some 20 years later because I found it so hilarious.

My Dad was the typical Alpha Male, who, even if he had never driven some place before, automatically knew how to get there without asking for directions, even after he got lost and turned around. We were driving in New Mexico somewhere once, and after checking the map, he decided he had found a shortcut back to the highway. 40 minutes later, we were at a dead end and had to turn around and trace our steps back to the original route.  That was the trip where Dad's shortcuts became known as "shortcuts that don't exist to highways that don't instersect" 

Even after he and Mom moved and retired to Arizona, driving one Saturday morning or afternoon, we found ourselves in another of Dad's infamous shortcuts. Before I could even open my mouth, this "roar" of "NOT A WORD. NOT ONE WORD, JEFF" came out of the front seat. I knew better than to press my luck at this time (one of the few), but a few minutes later after he calmed down, I made a very pointed remark to Mom about how sometimes you have to let them make their own mistakes or they will never learn. I'm suprised I lived after that one too, but by that time we all were laughing.

These are just a few of the incidents that made my childhood as awesome as it was - by having a Dad who was as much of prankster as I was.  

After I moved to Arizona, My Dad (and my Mom as well) was always the first one to say no matter what time I flew in or left - they were more than happy to take me, even if we had to get up at 4a to get me to the airport for a 7a flight; or picking me up in Philly or JFK instead of EWR. It never mattered to them; it only mattered that their little boy was coming home. Everytime I did, they had waiting in the car, either White Castles, fries and a coke, or my favorite sandwich - turkey bologna on an onion bagel. I miss that.

After I had moved to Arizona, and before my parents had retired, I made a quick trip back to NJ, getting in late - probably around 10p or 11p, ,and because I was catching the first flight back in the morning - 7a, I slept on the couch with the lights on. By this time, I had been used to living and sleeping alone in my apartment.  I fell into a deep sleep, and my Dad came into the living room to wake me. He tried to gently wake me by whispering my name, and gently rubbing my arm. Unfortunately, it had the reverse effect. I was in such a deep sleep stupor, He scared the shit out of me. He said I rose up like a King Cobra and groaned and started to coil back like I was going to attack him. He said I terrified him. I told him he had some nerve scaring me like that. From that night on, he called me King Cobra.

It was what I thought was a one time incident, until one day recently at work, someone came up quietly behind me and scared the daylights out of me, and I turned around and gave them what I came to realize was the King Cobra look! They told me they got scared and thought I was going to punch them out! 

For as much as teased and taunted each other, we never wanted to see each other hurt. When I hurt, he hurt. and When he hurt, I hurt. 

This was never more evident one night in my apartment...2am....there was a loud crash.
We were both passed out asleep in our respective bedrooms. He heard the crash first and started yelling my name:  "JEFF, ARE YOU OK? JEFF??"

I heard him yelling, in my sleep, and I woke up..in my sleep stupor, my brain played a trick on me, and I thought he was calling me because he had fallen down. I flew out of the bed, so fast the blanket never had a chance to fall down and remained around me like a robe. As I turned to tear down the hallway and rescue my Father, the blanket caught on my all glass corner unit and the glass shelves went flying. Just as I was about to run down the hall to rescue him, he was at that same point in the hallway coming out of his room, and we both ran into each other headfirst and then held each other up for dear life. 
Words do not even do this story justice, but it shows how deep of a connection we had in life. The last thing each of us wanted was for the other to feel any kind of pain. I miss that.

As an adult and as I fine tuned and embraced my sarcasm, my Dad took my sarcasm and would fling it right back in my face. One of his favorite things was when he would say something random, I would take it and run with it, and he would shake his head ever so slightly, sigh, and say "why G-d? Why Me? Why do I always give him the g-ddamn rope"

I miss having my Dad here to bounce my ideas off of, to call when I am overwhelmed at work, to ask when I don't know the answer to something. When I didn't know how to do something on my taxes - I asked my Dad. When I didn't know how to confront someone or bring it up when it was a difficult topic - I asked my Dad. I never seemed to phase him with what I asked. At work years ago, I was nicknamed "Answer Man" but that's who my Dad was to me. I miss him.

I miss the person who would get as much joy out of the Ostrich Festival (Chandler's answer to the state fair) as I did, who enjoyed blowing the calories on turkey legs, swirly potato chip things, corn dogs and cookies as much as I do. Today, Mom and I will establish new memories of the Ostrich Festival, but his lack of physical presence is definitely felt.

I miss having someone who knew how to check the air in the tires (thank you Discount Tire) and having someone who knew how to calm me down when there was car drama.

I miss taking him to the doctors, and the bonding we shared because many of his appointments where I drove him were early mornings, so that was our "Dad and Jeff" time. Grief is so funny because a song that reminds me of him can bring me great comfort one day, and the same song can bring me great sadness the next.

I miss spending the time with him at Chemo, those 5 years of 2-3 hours for a week once a month, that we wouldn't have otherwise had. Time that, especially in hindsight, was an enormous gift of time. I appreciated it then, but I cherish it even more now.