The Good Days and the Bad Days

I wrote this while struggling over the weekend, and decided to leave it intact, without editing.
Writing it out instead of keeping it in my brain, was helpful.

On the Bad Days:

You just can’t see a way out of your pain.
You wonder if it will ever get better, even though you know and have seen it get better before.
You don’t want to see anything or be seen.
Eating a meal is a necessity, a chore.
You hate your life and what life has dealt you.
If you are suffering from something medically, you don’t give a fuck if it gets better.
Nothing matters.
You are alone, you are inconsolable, and nothing anyone can say will make it better.
The only thing to make it better is to make things how they were.
Crying helps, and yet it doesn’t.
It is what it is.
Fuck this, Fuck that, Fuck it all, Fuck Everything.
The Ugly, Scrunching Up Your Face kind of cry.
Stop Changing everything!
Distractions are good.
Reliving the past, is not necessarily good.
Memories you hold close are all you have left, and can make you cry.
So can any song about loss, or that evokes emotion or a memory.

The Good Days:
You have acceptance that it is what is, and that you were put on this path for a reason.
You will change as a result, but you will become who you were meant to be all along.
You can find the collateral beauty.
You find a way to move forward to a different future.
You realize you need to fight against isolating on your Bad Days.
Because it doesn’t really help, it just makes you feel worse.
You can get chances or opportunities the past didn’t allow you.
You relax and give up control that you really aren’t in control.
Things DO get better, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Memories you  hold close can warm your heart and make you laugh.

Insight Into Another World

So for the past week or so, I feel like I am getting some major insight into what my Dad, as well as others struggling with cancer or other illnesses deal with.

Last Saturday, my Mom and I took a day trip to Las Vegas.

My feet were hurting – but we went. We didn’t want to disappoint my best friend and his Mom who we had lunch plans with.

So, off we went – and had a really good visit together.

I was sore when we got home, even though I only walked around 10,000 steps – more than I have recently, but, not an out of the ordinary number for me.

Sunday, I woke up and my left ankle was quite swollen, along with a good sized bump on the back of my heel.

Knowing my history with Gout and foot issues – I attributed this to the Gout Attack from hell.

After years without an attack, I had one recently on my right foot.

I figured this was my left foot playing catch up, and the bump was due to too much walking (overuse).

I iced and the swelling went down enough to enable me to walk, but the bump remained.

Thursday, the bump was still there, and my insurance covers something called “Doctor on Demand” where you can talk to a doctor on your phone or ipad.

They told me they suspected a possible Achilles tendon issue and I needed to get it checked out.

Friday, I called and made an appointment with the podiatrist for Monday morning.

Monday Morning came, I saw the doctor, showed him my foot to which he exclaimed “That Achilles is NOT happy!”

Xrays showed a patch of inflammation around the heel where my bump is.

He mentioned possible surgery and said the Achilles Tendon might be, torn, or ruptured.

I wasn’t sure how this was even possible – I had definitely NOT overdone activity – I barely worked out with the holiday funk I was in, and I was able to walk, and put pressure on my foot (as I walked)..as well, the pain and swelling seemed to decrease as each day went on.

So much for my  hope of draining fluid from this bump and going on with my life, after a few more days of pain.

He wanted more complete pictures than the xray showed, so with one fell swoop, I most likely met my deductible for the year and had an MRI done late Monday night.

Then, it became wait for the results.

Surgery?

Physical Therapy?  (or Physical Torture) as Dad always called it?

The waiting sucks!

It gave me a huge glimpse into what Dad and others must have, and continue to go through.

You stay strong for those immediately around you, but inside you are just melting and worrying and your brain is running on overdrive.

How are Mom and I are going to manage

But I’m the only driver in the family

What if I lose my job after being out of work for however long it takes

We will have to load up the fridge and both freezers before I go out

There goes the savings

We’ll have to take uber everywhere once I can get around

Until you can’t hold it in anymore, and then you let it out.

You try not to let it bother you, you try to stay strong because losing it really isn’t going to change anything, whether there is surgery or illness or pain in the cards.

It is what is – we can’t change it, we can only change how we react to it.

Somehow or another – it will get resolved, and I will end up getting my feet fixed.

One way or another.

Reading up on Achilles Tendon ruptures – for many people, it happens unexpectedly and through no fault of their own. I didn't fall, trip, knock my leg on anything -  there was no catastrophic event I could tie to what happened. The Doctor even said, it just happens over years of use on your legs.

As I always did with Dad when he was diagnosed with something new, I searched the internet for an herbal supplement to help with the inflammation because popping ibuprofen every 6 hours around the clock can’t go on forever. I found that Turmeric has antinflammatory properties and so I bought a bottle.

Being the consummate planner – I planned for surgery.

Talked to work as a heads up for now.

Starting gathering info as far as taking a medical leave, sick time, etc.

Tuesday (yesterday), now a week later – My Mom had an appointment at the same foot doctor’s office. He spotted me and said “I have your results.  Make an appointment with me”

The assertive side I’ve developed over the past few months came out – oh no, we’re not. I want to know – surgery or not?

So, I asked him if he was able to tell me if he was leaning towards surgery or not, but he said he needed to show me the images and discuss the options in person

(as opposed to over the phone).

I understood, and setup the appointment for the following day, and prayed.

I was thankful for work keeping me distracted for the most part. It makes me wonder, how often did my Dad use the computer and his work, to distract himself.  My appointment was at 1pm, and as the day inched closer to that appointment, the emotions began to hit.

I felt the butterflies, the pins and needles and most of all my anxiety rise. More of what what I imagine my Dad and what nearly everyone must go thru when they aren't sure what the results will be from a test. More of what my Dad must have felt as well, I'm sure, but for the most part never vocalized but kept inside - He stayed strong for my Mom, for me, for us all.
 

As I have done recently, when I have had enough of whatever is stressing me – I attempt to give up control and I pray to my Dad to help me and give me strength.

So I did just that.

We will see what happens at 1pm.

I saw the doctor, and although I was really worried - surgery is not in the plans at this time.
I relaxed so much, I could practically hear the angels and their harps, and "Hallelujah" playing on repeat in my head. I didn't care what kind of treatment I had to go through - as long as surgery wasn't involved. I was ecstatic.

I will be in a boot on my left foot for at least the next month. (To me, the saving grace is my left foot is the one involved, so I can still drive, get to work,etc) The issue is my ankles and heels are inflamed (that's where I have carried my pain for years is in my feet) because thats where I put all my pressure in feet, so the boot is to force me to put the pressure on the front part of the foot, taking the pressure off the heel and allow the inflammation and bump on my heel to relax.  I told the Doctor I certainly hadn't had anything to stress over in the past 6 months! Interestingly, the doctor also said he could see how I carry the stress in my legs and how tight the muscles were. Curiously, and I have written about this before:  I am severely right side dominant and yet these issues are on my left leg.  Guess who was a lefty?  (Not me).

Whatever happened last weekend, I think my foot just had had enough and let me know it. 

Time to get healthy.

Thoughts and Triggers

I haven't written something new on my blog since 4 days before my Dad died when I prophetically wrote:
“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

The  below post has been floating around my head for the past few weeks, but today is when the words came together in just the right way. Today, I faced my words.

I miss my Dad every bit as much as I thought I would and more.

I think of my life as “before” and “after” in terms of my father’s death.

I feel it is changing, has changed,  who I am and setting me on a new journey of my own

I’ve learned I can be and have become more assertive, I stick up for myself, I definitely take less shit and bullshit from others. I hold others accountable and don't just do their job for them anymore. Unprotected Left hand turns don't freak me out as much as they used to. I have given a speech publicly in front of a large group, and although I don't embrace the idea - I am more open to it than I would have been before. This list goes on and on. A friend commented that losing my Dad forced me to face and live my greatest fear, so everything else is little stuff compared to that.

If I have learned one thing over the past few months, its that dealing with a castrophic personal loss and managing, packing and a move at the same time is something I never EVER want to go through again. Thank god for the friends that helped me out with the initial big purge and packing, before the movers were involved.


There are songs that will just affect my emotions, act as a trigger, and make me cry.

Sometimes its a random song, without any significance or any personal connection or meaning to my Dad. Sometimes its even an artist he didn't particularly care for, like the Diana Ross song that made me burst into tears one morning on the way to work, which also made me laugh.

On an emotional day, a song will make me cry thinking and remembering my Dad.

On a more positive, retrospect day, I take hearing the song as a message from my Dad to help me out.

One example, the song "You'll Be in My Heart" by Phil Collins came on the radio recently:

You seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
Keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart

 

Even though fire trucks and ambulances weren't routinely present through my Dad's struggles, Since he's been gone, seeing and hearing them causes me to trigger.  I shudder. I have the urge to panic, or retreat inside of myself. As best I can come up with, It's because I feel that someone's loved one is at risk and that hurts me emotionally. I hate the sound of the sirens.

Which leads me to my next point:

For as much pain as it sometime causes me, I've come to realize I have a superpower and my superpower is being an empath and the ability to feel things. Even though at times it's overwhelming and overcomes me, it is who I am and makes me a better more compassionate, person.

 

Holidays, Birthdays, and Celebrations are difficult, and so is seeing others go thru the same type of loss that I have experienced. Both are huge triggers for me. Death and loss may be a part of the cycle of the circle of life, but they just royally suck.

It becomes a fine line of trying to recreate the past, of what once was, when my Dad was still here, our old traditions, but also, creating new ones that are different from what you've always done, because no matter how hard you try, you just can't repeat the past sometimes. Like how my birthday cake has always been a cookie cake from Paradise (now Panera), this year they overcooked it so much they turned it into a hockey puck. It was inedible.  How disappointing. What a letdown.

But on that same token, you can create new memories to cherish and enjoy.
I ordered a Cookie Monster cake for my birthday from Safeway which we enjoyed.

We tried very hard to keep my emotions at bay on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day by having a movie marathon and seeing two movies on each day. Movies have been a wonderful escape. But no matter how hard you try, your thoughts, feelings and emotions are still there.

We historically have never had Christmas Eve plans, but this year we were invited and went to a friend's house for their Christmas Eve dinner, which was another great escape and new memory cherished. I was so glad we went, even though the tears ran down my face on the way over there, because I realized that there just is no "good" time for death to occur.  There will always be "something"  - another birthday, another holiday, another something..No matter how you prepare, as I attempted to do, you are still never fully ready when the inevitable occurs.

  

There are times I feel that I am the below, and times I feel that I am not.

But on the positive side, I am getting to spend some real, quality time with my Mom that just wasn't able to happen before.

I love my Dad and I miss him more than any words can express, but I love cooking dinner with and enjoying the meal together, at the dining room table, with my Mom. Going out to eat is extremely economical because for the most part we split one entree between the two of us.  We have gone on day trips - something else that also was hard to come by. I've dragged my Mom eating all over downtown San Francisco, and this past weekend we visited my friends (and hers), my best friend and his Mom, since the 4th Grade in 1983 in Las Vegas.

Today, while neither of us particularly felt like going out, We decided to go just to get out and get some air. It beats sitting at home dealing with my emotions. Recently, McDonalds in our area stopped serving Coke Zero. Going out to run errands with my parents, this was our thing - 1st stop is McDonalds for a couple of sodas and possibly some chicken nuggets. I hate change, although I eventually accept it (this entire blog is a case in point). But I realized today, I was mad at McDonalds, because they took away yet another thing that was a way of keeping my Dad with me. For the past few months, I too, would stop at McD's for a soda when the mood struck, and since I can't stand Diet Coke, well, it was another way to force me to deal with not having my Dad here. But in the end, as My Dad would have said, "Don't sweat the small shit, and it's all small shit."

It turns out Coke Zero is available at many other places - not just McDonalds
(I'm being sarcastic at how silly I am being - Clearly Coke Zero is available at many places besides McD's)

And as Mufasa tells Simba in this Youtube clip that I felt led to watch this morning...
Remember who you are  You have forgotten who you are. Look inside yourself. You must take your place in the circle of life.