Thoughts and Triggers

I haven't written something new on my blog since 4 days before my Dad died when I prophetically wrote:
“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

The  below post has been floating around my head for the past few weeks, but today is when the words came together in just the right way. Today, I faced my words.

I miss my Dad every bit as much as I thought I would and more.

I think of my life as “before” and “after” in terms of my father’s death.

I feel it is changing, has changed,  who I am and setting me on a new journey of my own

I’ve learned I can be and have become more assertive, I stick up for myself, I definitely take less shit and bullshit from others. I hold others accountable and don't just do their job for them anymore. Unprotected Left hand turns don't freak me out as much as they used to. I have given a speech publicly in front of a large group, and although I don't embrace the idea - I am more open to it than I would have been before. This list goes on and on. A friend commented that losing my Dad forced me to face and live my greatest fear, so everything else is little stuff compared to that.

If I have learned one thing over the past few months, its that dealing with a castrophic personal loss and managing, packing and a move at the same time is something I never EVER want to go through again. Thank god for the friends that helped me out with the initial big purge and packing, before the movers were involved.


There are songs that will just affect my emotions, act as a trigger, and make me cry.

Sometimes its a random song, without any significance or any personal connection or meaning to my Dad. Sometimes its even an artist he didn't particularly care for, like the Diana Ross song that made me burst into tears one morning on the way to work, which also made me laugh.

On an emotional day, a song will make me cry thinking and remembering my Dad.

On a more positive, retrospect day, I take hearing the song as a message from my Dad to help me out.

One example, the song "You'll Be in My Heart" by Phil Collins came on the radio recently:

You seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
Keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart

 

Even though fire trucks and ambulances weren't routinely present through my Dad's struggles, Since he's been gone, seeing and hearing them causes me to trigger.  I shudder. I have the urge to panic, or retreat inside of myself. As best I can come up with, It's because I feel that someone's loved one is at risk and that hurts me emotionally. I hate the sound of the sirens.

Which leads me to my next point:

For as much pain as it sometime causes me, I've come to realize I have a superpower and my superpower is being an empath and the ability to feel things. Even though at times it's overwhelming and overcomes me, it is who I am and makes me a better more compassionate, person.

 

Holidays, Birthdays, and Celebrations are difficult, and so is seeing others go thru the same type of loss that I have experienced. Both are huge triggers for me. Death and loss may be a part of the cycle of the circle of life, but they just royally suck.

It becomes a fine line of trying to recreate the past, of what once was, when my Dad was still here, our old traditions, but also, creating new ones that are different from what you've always done, because no matter how hard you try, you just can't repeat the past sometimes. Like how my birthday cake has always been a cookie cake from Paradise (now Panera), this year they overcooked it so much they turned it into a hockey puck. It was inedible.  How disappointing. What a letdown.

But on that same token, you can create new memories to cherish and enjoy.
I ordered a Cookie Monster cake for my birthday from Safeway which we enjoyed.

We tried very hard to keep my emotions at bay on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day by having a movie marathon and seeing two movies on each day. Movies have been a wonderful escape. But no matter how hard you try, your thoughts, feelings and emotions are still there.

We historically have never had Christmas Eve plans, but this year we were invited and went to a friend's house for their Christmas Eve dinner, which was another great escape and new memory cherished. I was so glad we went, even though the tears ran down my face on the way over there, because I realized that there just is no "good" time for death to occur.  There will always be "something"  - another birthday, another holiday, another something..No matter how you prepare, as I attempted to do, you are still never fully ready when the inevitable occurs.

  

There are times I feel that I am the below, and times I feel that I am not.

But on the positive side, I am getting to spend some real, quality time with my Mom that just wasn't able to happen before.

I love my Dad and I miss him more than any words can express, but I love cooking dinner with and enjoying the meal together, at the dining room table, with my Mom. Going out to eat is extremely economical because for the most part we split one entree between the two of us.  We have gone on day trips - something else that also was hard to come by. I've dragged my Mom eating all over downtown San Francisco, and this past weekend we visited my friends (and hers), my best friend and his Mom, since the 4th Grade in 1983 in Las Vegas.

Today, while neither of us particularly felt like going out, We decided to go just to get out and get some air. It beats sitting at home dealing with my emotions. Recently, McDonalds in our area stopped serving Coke Zero. Going out to run errands with my parents, this was our thing - 1st stop is McDonalds for a couple of sodas and possibly some chicken nuggets. I hate change, although I eventually accept it (this entire blog is a case in point). But I realized today, I was mad at McDonalds, because they took away yet another thing that was a way of keeping my Dad with me. For the past few months, I too, would stop at McD's for a soda when the mood struck, and since I can't stand Diet Coke, well, it was another way to force me to deal with not having my Dad here. But in the end, as My Dad would have said, "Don't sweat the small shit, and it's all small shit."

It turns out Coke Zero is available at many other places - not just McDonalds
(I'm being sarcastic at how silly I am being - Clearly Coke Zero is available at many places besides McD's)

And as Mufasa tells Simba in this Youtube clip that I felt led to watch this morning...
Remember who you are  You have forgotten who you are. Look inside yourself. You must take your place in the circle of life.