The Human Shield

A few weeks ago, I had what I call, a nuclear meltdown. It's at the point where my stress level skyrockets well beyond my level of comfort, and I begin shutting down and not caring. I felt overworked, over stressed out, you name it. No time to breath or even think. I sulked all weekend long, and felt sorry for myself. I beat myself up for not managing my stress better, and not knowing how not to let stuff bother me that was outside of my control.

In talking to a friend, she mentioned that one of the lessons she had learned in becoming a manager was that if she continued to act as a shield for her employees, they would never have the chance to shine on their own. I realized, at work, this was exactly what I was doing. I have 2 colleagues that I am considered the lead for, and as the lead, I felt tremendous pressure and responsibility to "own" the big problems leaving the day to day to day for the others. I was shielding them.

But all this did was increase my own stress level and inhibit the others from truly growing. 

I made the decision that I just couldn't continue to own "everything" and I needed to retrain some who I had trained to come to me directly. I like having the answers, and being relied on. But, It was time to share the wealth, and yes, even share the pain with the others. I needed to stop owning ALL of the problems, because owning everyone's problems wasn't doing me any good.

So, work didn't get any less crazy, but once I put this into perspective and had a "come to Jesus" with myself over the next week - I found I wasn't as stressed because I was letting the control go. It was OK not to be in control. I calmed down and stopped obsessing.

I began applying the same concepts in my struggles with being the primary caregiver for my parents. I made a decision (again, because apparently it takes me forever to learn and re-learn) to start putting myself first. 

As an Empath, who is impacted and am susceptible to the feelings and emotions of those around me, I struggle with someone having a bad day. It can end up making my day a bad day. I give up, and give in, and sulk.  But, I made an ongoing decision that another person's bad day doesn't need to make mine a bad day too. I need to take care of myself, go out to the movies or with friends - anything where I put myself first instead of last after everyone and everything else.

Sunday night, I went to a special screening of "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" and it was the most fun I had had in a while. I laughed and enjoyed, and basically just escaped my stress for a couple of hours. It was a world of chocolate, and it did a world of good, even though it kept me up way past my bedtime.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks later. Dad had his surgery and although my schedule should have permitted me to leave work to take him to a follow up appointment the next day, I did something that has been very hard for me to do in the past: ASK FOR HELP when it comes to my parents.

I posted the below on Facebook:

I am going to do something I have trouble doing, and ask for help. Is there anyone local (East Valley area) that can help me in a big way tomorrow if I run into a problem? My Dad has a follow up with his eye surgeon tomorrow afternoon at 2pm in Glendale.

You would drive to his apartment in Chandler, then drive his car, with him, back and forth.
You would have to leave his place around 1245p, and should be back in Chandler around 330pm.

Within minutes, a couple of angels in our extended family provided me hope, and I felt like I exhaled. I was panicking at what I couldn't control. Would I be able leave work? How will I get Dad to the doctor? 

There are friends and family able and willing to help, but my way of thinking is, they are my parents and my responsibility, so why should I dump that on someone else. 
It was quite freeing to ask for help, to stop shielding my parents needs on others, the same way I had been doing stuff at work. 

I relaxed. My parents were well taken care of, in the hands of an angel, and I was able to focus on what I needed to at that moment.

In more ways that one, I need to stop being the protective shield, and allow others in.
I need to learn to share, and I need to learn to ask (more) for help.

My problems/issues/concerns over the past few weeks have remained the same, but my perspective is different. I am doing what I can to implement and live by this:

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

I am a work in progress. My journey continues.