One Fine Day

"Never regret a day in your life. Good days give happiness, Bad days give experience,
Worst days give lessons, and Best days give memories" wrote a friend a few days ago.

I really couldn't agree more.

Dr. Seuss once said, "Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."

Likewise, I have come to realize over the past few years, that I need to appreciate what I have while I have it. I thought I was doing a pretty good job at this, but leave it to the Universe to refresh your memory and make you realize you're not really as in control and "ok" with things as much as you like to think they are.

The past month or so, has been ripe with medical issues, changed and disrupted plans, constant worrying, and juggling of schedules. I'm sure it was at least part of the reason why my blood pressure registered high for one of the first times I ever remember.

Dad stayed in bed most of the time and Mom and I really did not go out much. I did any shopping or errands on their behalf, and proceeded to burn myself out. Although Mom and I ate dinner together regularly, the 3 of us as a whole, stopped going out to dinner because Dad was way too wiped out. 

We saw the doctor last week and the plan if things didn't improve was to admit Dad to the hospital this week to figure out what was causing his problems. 

Being the consummate planner, and knowing that I can deal with almost anything knowing that's in the future so I can PLAN for it, I was ok with this, but on the way home from the Doctor, I expressed the following which ended up becoming a Facebook post a few days later:

A few days ago, I expressed a desire to go out when Alan felt up to it, to go out to dinner at a restaurant as a family, at Texas Roadhouse. I always thought going out to dinner was a little thing, but the past month has made realize it's really a big thing. Tonight was the first time we've gone out to dinner together in the past month. The manager saw Dad's shirt identifying himself as a Cancer Survivor, told us his own history with cancer, and then comped two of the meals, for my parents. We will never know what tomorrow may bring, but we can most definitely celebrate the successes of today. Take the small victories, and cherish what you've got. 🙏😇❤💜

The dinners out as a family, the Costco and Sam's runs (We like to walk around the store on weekends and nosh and shop)..I really found I missed. More than I really thought. When Dad agreed and felt better enough for us to go out to dinner to Texas Roadhouse last Thursday, I was ecstatic. Let's go while we have the chance.

I made sure to just soak in the moment and cherish every little thing - the biscuits and cinnamon butter, the time we spent together just enjoying each other's company. In a way, I was attempting to make a permanent memory within my brain, even though we had gone out to Texas Roadhouse plenty of times before and ordered the exact same meals.  We've collectively been through so much in the past month, I just wanted "one more dinner" to appease myself, and my feelings. If nothing else, I would have a Texas Roadhouse dinner to cherish and hold even closer to my heart.

On Saturday, Dad said he wanted to run errands with me - Sam's, Costco, Fry's, etc.
It took him a few tries, but we went out and had a lovely Dad and Son Day.
Another one that we have done many times before, but one more to cherish!

On Sunday, we went out for dinner again. Why Not? Let's enjoy while we can.

What I learned and came to appreciate, was that the little things really are big things.

Sunday Night, I helped my parents with some items around their apartment and decided to play some music on Youtube while I tackled the "Honey Do" List. 

The song I chose to listen to, perhaps subconsciously:
One Fine Day, by the Chiffons.

One Fine Day, indeed.

When the Student is Ready, The Teacher Appears, Part 2

It was somewhat of a challenging day, emotionally.

As I wrote about online a few days ago: 
Night is when I'm alone, when I either have a chance to relax and reflect on my day...worry about the things I can't control and try to shut my brain off to relax. It's when I unwind by watching a tv show, or starting my laundry (which usually gets left in the washer until the following morning). 

It's when after a rough day, I cherish my ME time, even though I love my parents and being here as a caregiver for them just as much.

Finally, its the time when after stifling my emotions all day, I tell myself all day "just wait until you are alone" or "don't cry in front of them" but by the time that happens, I have moved past it, even temporarily, and no tears come out. (Most of the time)

On the way home from dinner with my parents, I began to feel sorry for myself and for the others in my life struggling with various issues. 

Even though I am in midst of getting healthy again, making better food choices and working out, my old frenemy and faithful crutch came to the forefront.

For a few seconds, I thought, "Man, those chewy cookies at Fry's would taste so good right now."  Instant gratification and an instant setback to the hard work and dedication I've put in over the past two weeks.

I felt guilty before I even put a chocolate chip in my mouth. 

Last night, I posted this meme, because I felt it describes my situation accurately. 

and then commented:
Or like me, they eat their feelings and emotions for years to deal with stress as an avoidance technique. For a while I traded the gym for emotional eating, but breaking old habits is hard. #workingonmeforme

How could I now go after the sweets after I said last night that's what I was working so hard not to repeat again?

I decided I wasn't going to give in, and I was going to have to find a way to work past the craving.  At that very moment, I drove by a church with this sign on the outside: 
"When things go bad, don't go with them"

Hmmmm....A Sign?

Clearly, it was something I needed to see.

For whatever reason, I decided to change the song on the radio down one station to the 1970s tunes.  
The song playing:
"No Sugar Tonight" by the Guess Who.

I laughed. 
Thanks, Universe, I get it.

Be Careful What You Watch on TV

I shouldn't have watched Grey's Anatomy this week.

I'm watching tv, crying alongside a character on a show who's own struggles closely mirror my own, and hit way too close to home.

From TV Guide:
"After learning the truth about her mother's inflammatory breast cancer in last week's episode, Maggie goes into attack mode, devouring all kinds of research about the disease and its various treatments. Against pretty much all of her colleagues' advice, Maggie puts her mother on an aggressive regimen, eventually securing her a place in a clinical trial for an experimental treatment -- and firing Meredith (Pompeo) as her mother's surgeon in the process."

This is my life.

I would do everything possible, whatever I can get my hands on if it would cure my Dad and make my Mom feel better.

The above statement about "attack mode" is dead on.

When my Dad was diagnosed with the MDS:
I researched herbal supplements to increase his platelet count, because I was convinced he was suffering from a deficiency, and not cancer.

When I couldn't make him better last week, when I was unable to  fix his pain last week after he fell,
In hysterics, I sobbed that I couldn't keep on seeing him this way and the only way I knew how to fix him was to bring him to a doctor, because this wasn't fair to him.

When his BP was low, I googled and confirmed that drinking more water, exercising, and eating something salty all increase a low blood pressure. All of which were confirmed when we saw the Cardiologist. (I thought was pretty good on my part and we could have saved a copay lol)

When it comes to either of my parents and a medical issue, I feel like I take control and attempt to help (and find a way to fix them) any way I can.

Attack Mode, indeed.

A friend's father passed away last week, after his own battle with cancer, and related ailments. Both of us have Superman incarnated as Fathers.

Even though the ER was never involved, since the events of the last week, every time an ambulance passes by, or I hear the sirens of a nearby emergency, I shudder, and feel the wave of nausea pass through. 

Some little things really affect you. I think "Someone's family member is in danger. Someone needs to hear, and someone needs to be told "I love you, and it's going to be OK"

But then, I saw the most amazing movie: "The Shack"
I felt drawn to see it, and I felt strongly that seeing it would somehow help me.

I was right.
It changed my perspective.

Seeing in the movie what I struggle with on a daily/weekly/monthly basis, somehow made it OK.

Of course, things are also a bit calmer for me at the moment too, which is also helpful.

This was a continuation in a string of movies I have seen over the past few months, which have truly helped me deal, because of the themes they represent and how I can relate them to events or feelings in my own life:

Collateral Beauty
Arrival
The Space Between Us
Passengers
and now,
The Shack