We are Our Stories: Family Vacations and Fun Times

 Vacations were an integral part of my experience growing up, and I'm sure, led to my love of travel and and my love to also return to favorite places. We would vacation somewhere, and then return there to a place liked. One of those: Ocean City, MD - I think we made about 3 or 4 trips there over a few years.

Rehoboth, DE with its outlet mall was also a favored spot during these trips. But in Ocean City, we spent the day at the pool or the ocean, and found some favorite dining spots. There were the to die for omelettes at the Bayside skillet, the ribs at JR's (I think it may have been the first time I ever had ribs), the ice cream sundaes at Dumser's Drive In (a cross between a Dennys and a Sonic). I remember they were open late and we went out for ice cream one night at 11pm! Once again, Dad had heard of a place (many years before the Food Network was a thing!) serving an open faced (roast) pit beef sandwich so we walked up and down the Ocean City Boardwalk looking for it. We finally did find it - Happy Dad, Happy Family that time. Right next store, was a french fry placed called "Thrashers" and after that Mom and I would say "we feel like Thrashers" while we were during the week or whatnot... Uncharacteristically, Dad blew up and boomed "they are not THRASHERs, They are French Fries!" -- I'm not sure exactly what set him off about it, but it was one of those stories that lived on for decades and decades.

One of those trips, they wanted a dinner alone, so I got to choose the restaurant they picked up my dinner from and I sat on the balcony of our room at the hotel, overlooking the pool and ocean, and had my dinner. It was heaven!! Early introverting at its best!

We took other trips and it seemed like they sometimes tied in to stuff I was learning in school or in movies we saw - Historical based trips to Williamsburg, Virginia; Plymouth and Boston, Massachusetts. Philadelphia was only a short drive away that we made a few times a year to get a cheesesteak, or see Independence Hall and the Franklin Science Center. We did a New England trip one summer or fall after seeing "Mystic Pizza" and spent some time in Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Massachusetts - I believe we went to the New England Aquarium and then of course, Mystic Pizza! where I took a picture next to Julia Roberts' picture!

Indiana (Dad) Zaben, ever the planner like his son turned out to be - would visit AAA and get not only the maps but the triptiks to plan out how we would drive there, where we might stop and get gas, etc - I tease him over this but remember this was before GPS, before Google and the internet - I have to give him the fact we needed that to not be completely lost. In Boston, I remember going to Cheers! as the show was popular then, and in Plymouth seeing Plymouth Rock and being fascinated that colonists on the Mayflower had stepped on this very spot where I was. It was also the first time we went whale watching, which became a life long passion for me. I still love to do that and see whales and dolphins...bucket list item for me is to see a whale tailfin upclose so that I can get a picture of it and witness a breech!

We had an amusement park near us, Great Adventure, but one summer we ended up in Hershey, PA. Hershey Park, Chocolate shopping - OMG - I was in HEAVEN! Hershey Park was especially notable because I talked Mom into going on this ride with me - similar to the pirate ship - just went up and around - did not flip over or anything. I was having a blast, and said to Mom on the ride - "Isn't this fun?!" - She looked funny and had her head in her lap. We got off the ride and she could barely walk. It had terrified her. That may have been the last ride she ever went on with me except for a car.

There were trips to Pennsylvania - My parents passed their love of the Amish, the Amish Country and just Pennsylvania in general on to me. My eternal 12 year old sense of humor loved some of the town names - LiTITz, Intercourse, Mount Joy. What was going on in Pennsylvania? lol

There were also multiple trips to see family, some of which I made on my own. 

One of the first times I ever got an airplane was to visit Aunt Eileen, Uncle Rick and my Grandparents (Dad's parents) in El Paso. I was only about 7 or so, but I have a couple strong memories from then - building a fort in the backyard with my cousins, and then my Aunt telling us we had to take a bath when we came inside because we were so filthy from outside. She doesn't do shmutz and she certainly did not do it then! :) Also, riding in the back of their station wagon, with my Aunt, and tickling her toes (and probably she tickled mine too)....My Aunt was a Kindergarten teacher, and she she took me to her class one day which I thought was just really cool and fun to go with her. (I also loved going with my Dad to work and using the Xerox machine. I guess I was a Judy Bernly in training, I just didn't know it)

The summer Dad was eventually diagnosed with cancer, my parents sent me to Texas to my Grandparents/Aunt and Uncle/and cousins. In hindsight, I think they did that to protect me and give me some happy memories during a challenging time. A skill I didn't realize at the time, but I am so thankful to them for, and I am thankful to now be able to implement on my own as a coping and survival tactic. At the time, we didn't know it was cancer - that would be diagnosed just over a month after I got back home. But that summer and the next, I spent in El Paso making wonderful memories with family. It was during that time, I was about 14, I decided that somehow, somewhere, I was going to move out to the Desert Southwest.

My Aunt was a kindergarten teacher as I said, and I remember coloring these snoopy things she made for her class. It helped her out, but in hindsight as an adult, what a great way to relieve anxiety too. Well one night, I think we ran out of Snoopys to color, so we went to Kinkos around 11pm to make some copies. This particular Kinkos, the machines were named to identify them. "Muffy" "Buffy" "Tuffy" etc which I thought was not only cute, but hysterical. As luck would have it, the machine my Aunt was using broke. She broke Tuffy! or was it Muffy!  Oh such fun times and memories <3

El Paso is a border city and walking over to Juarez, Mexico was an OK thing to do then. So we did - went shopping, etc.. I remember crossing back over to the US, US Border Patrol asked if we were all US citizens, and my Aunt replied "Except my nephew, he's from NEW JERSEY!!" I wanted to curl up in a ball, but the officer laughed and let us through - after we paid the 25c fee of course!

We went to Santa Fe and White Sands, NM during that first summer, and visited the City of Rocks during the 2nd summer, 1989..when my parents surprised all of us and spent a couple weeks after Dad was well enough to travel. It was quite funny at the time, because I had called them a few days earlier asking to send more money because I found this store called "Mervyns" and I wanted to do my back to school shopping there. Dad said they would "think about it" which I had heard plenty of by this time and I knew that was really a "No." But, neither of my parents spilled the beans, and within a few days, they pulled off their surprise:

I was at Aunt Eileen's with the rest of the family, and my Grandparents were a few miles away at their house. They relied on my Aunt for transportation, so when they knocked on the door and my Aunt answered - her first question was how did you get over here, and they said they had walked. My Aunt didn't believe them and got suspicious and peeked her head out the door. "Allie, is that you?" I heard her say...the next thing I knew, she was waddling down the street shrieking "if that's my brother, I'm gonna drop dead!" Such a fun memory!! My parents were parked in a rental car, just down the block.

Dad's cancer was of course, a life changing thing for him and for us. We travelled a bit more after, even though it was probably hard and tiring on him. He was determined because life was short. We returned to El Paso for at least one Thanksgiving in the next few years, and in December 1988 for my Grandfather's 80th Birthday party. What I remember from that was not how he looked because of the chemo, but how he still tried to make everyone laugh and keep things light, despite whatever he was feeling. He dressed up in a nightgown and a shower cap one night and threw himself (flirted) with my uncle. It worked - everyone laughed. One night, we used my Uncle's telescope to see the stars, it was cold out and my Aunt made hot chocolate. Sometimes those simple kind of memories are the best ones. Inside joke, my Aunt will know what I mean, when I say, I think the first time I got the thumbs was during this visit! And if it wasnt the first, it was certainly the most memorable for me.

There were trips to Baltimore, also to visit family and the Inner Harbor.

We went to Disney World and Universal Studios (Florida) just after I graduated high school as a Graduation present.

While Dad introduced me to his love of music, it was Mom who introduced me to the arts. I love a good theatre show or musical, thanks to her. We saw Rosie O'Donnell play Rizzo in Grease where I think I got her signature and probably shook her hand. We saw Bette Midler (I think at Radio City Music Hall) and Barbara Joan Streisand at Madison Square Garden. My first concert ever was either Kris Kristofferson (country music singer at the time) with Nicolette Larson at a NJ State Fair or the Beach Boys performing at a local amusement park one night. We've seen Air Supply a few times too. In 2022, we have tickets to see "Come From Away" that was cancelled last year due to Covid. We've seen 'A Chorus Line' performed live which was also a bucket list item for me.

Seeing the Rockettes and walking around NYC during the Holidays and seeing the Holiday windows was such a special treat for me, and in writing this, is why when Mom and I  did similar in London in 2018 - it nourished my soul on a level I I can't really put into words. But it gives me absolute, pure joy, and I/we will make another trip to London when it is safe to go during that time.

After Dad died, Mom and I began travelling again. From my perspective, part to combat the traumatic loss and part to live as if we were dying (to quote Tim McGraw) and taking advantage of the time we have left and as I called it, "making intentional memories." We did a bunch of daytrips - San Francisco, Vegas, Orange County, Monterrey and more. Some of the bigger trips - Maui, London, Burbank (Warner Brothers Studio Tour, Universal Studios and Hollywood), an annual trip back to New Mexico (Albuquerque and Santa Fe).. notable during one Santa Fe trip during the winter was we decided to drive up the mountains to the ski area, only to get stuck in our rental car. Talk about stress!! Thanks to a couple of guys who helped push us out and then we did not stop, we did not pass go, we did not collect $200 - kept going all the way back down the mountain to the non-snow-areas. 

As I wrote this, it is the 4th anniversary of missing Dad. As has been the case, the lead up has been an expected challenge, but today, at the moment at least, I feel a sense of calm and peace. We are preparing to leave in a few hours for another trip of making intentional memories - Newport, Laguna, and the Seal Beach areas of Southern California.

We make more "intentional memories" on every single trip, and there are more to come.

We are Our Stories: Taking our Driving Skills into the Ground

For as long as I can remember, Dad and I loved to insult each other's driving, and every once in a while this would extend to my Mom as well.

One of the earliest occurrences: While learning to drive with my learner's permit, I cut a turn too close and moved a planter on Stockton Street in Hightstown a few feet. Maybe I didn't like where it was placed and thought it needed to be centered more. But Dad was the one who was infamous for missing turns and waiting until the last minute to exit the highway. (Something he always faulted me for!)

In high school, out with my friends one Friday or Saturday night, I got my first speeding ticket. I was hoping to get off with a warning, but no such luck. and I was not as calm as I sound now - so many years later. I dropped my one friend David off at home, and Adam agreed to go back with me to my parents to drop the bomb. I figured they wouldn't kill me if he was there. So, we get back to my house, and I don't remember exactly how we told them, but poor Adam got so worked up my parents forgot to yell at me and were comforting him even though I was the one with the ticket - Something I still find hilarious!

One weekend, driving to some place he heard about on the Food Network (if it was on the Food Network, it was Alan approved) he almost missed the exit off the New Jersey Turnpike and cut across the median to make it just in time.

Another time, driving to the Route 1 Flea Market, he missed the turn and after Mom and I yelled, he actually yelled back which was rare for him "SO I MISSED THE EFFING TURN ITS NOT THE END OF THE EFFING WORLD!!" It was so rare for him to yell, we both shut up after that, although we never let him forget it, either. 

Years later, we were on a roadtrip in Arizona or New Mexico somewhere, and Indiana Zaben with his maps from AAA, discovered a shortcut to get us back home. So, we drive, 45 minutes to get to this shortcut. It was a lovely drive. The only problem was, the shortcut did not exist. We ended up at a dead end, only to turn around and drive the 45 minutes back after we saw the highway right in front of us, but no way to get to it. This was affectionately termed "shortcuts that don't exist to highways that don't intersect". Ironically, this was repeated just a few years before Dad died, AGAIN - we drove somewhere only to turn around and go back and before I could say a word, I heard "NOT ONE WORD JEFFREY NOT ONE WORD" as I sat in the backseat. After he had calmed down, I mentioned to Mom "sometimes you just have to let them make their own mistakes..." -- certainly, when Dad was still in hearing range...

Driving back from El Paso to Arizona after spending a holiday with the family, I got another speeding ticket - This one in New Mexico. There is nothing like getting a speeding ticket with your father sitting in the car. He gave me a new nickname on that trip - LFMFT - Lead Foot Means Fast Travelling... and he would routinely refer to me as Lead Foot after that unfortunate incident.

When I left NJ to move to Arizona in 2001, Dad drove me with me. I planned to drive alone just I had during college in New Mexico, but Dad insisted - He got really nervous at me driving alone for that long of a time. In hindsight, I am so glad he did. It was a great trip! Ever the planner, I had all our stops planned and hotels picked out. My car was loaded full of everything to get me started in Arizona. Leaving Oklahoma City on Day 3 I believe, we planned to stop in Lubbock, TX and then El Paso, TX... but we were already tired of driving. So, we stopped on our way out of Oklahoma City at a Krispy Kreme, and got a dozen donuts and a 2 liter bottle of soda (probably a Diet Coke as he had been diabetic for years by this time). That 2 liter of soda and the 12 donuts got us all the way to El Paso - a 13 hour car ride. We stopped only for gas and the bathroom.

Even after two days resting in El Paso, we were still both sick of driving and car, but not necessarily each other. We floored it all the way to Phoenix. How neither of us didn't end up with a speeding ticket, who knows.

Speaking of Krispy Kremes, Mom and I had our own story with them. Still living in NJ, she visited me for about a week, and I told her she had to try this donut shop that had just opened here! So, we got our dozen and noshed throughout the week. I was flying back to NJ with her, and there was half a box of donuts left. What?! So, we decide to take them in the car and nosh on the way to the airport. OMG - It was like Overeaters Anonymous. "Hand me a donut, scarf it down, hand me another!" -- I remember Mom saying "You're gonna make yourself sick!"  My response:  Shut up and hand me another donut"!

Mom was not immune to the driving stories either.

One time driving me (us) from Albuquerque back to school in Las Cruces, Dad and I heard this rumbling as she pulled into the shoulder. 

What happened, he asked?

Oh nothing, I just fell asleep for a minute that's all"

One time when she was driving pretty aggressively..after we arrived at home, I got out of the car from the backseat, looked under the rear wheels, and said something like "Holy Shit, I think I see Superman's cape under there!"

Similarly, it was one way to really (and easily) irritate Dad - I would get out of the car, and kiss the ground when it was in park and he was no longer driving.

When he would take a corner a little too tightly, I would semi-mutter, loud enough for him to hear, almost like a prayer "Four Wheels, Four Wheels, Four Wheels" - He started saying that to me too when he thought I was taking it a little close. I'm actually not sure anymore who started saying that first, but it was just one of the ways we taunted each other and felt the love. 

As happens with many people, his reflexes slowed as he got older, and he felt I stopped too close without allowing enough time. Out of the corner of my eye, I would see him from the passenger seat - try to apply the brakes as if he was the one driving.. I use to call those his "air brakes" - 'Oh, did you need to use the air brakes, Dad?"

To finish, For Father's Day one year, I  wrote a Top 10 Things I learned about driving from him..or maybe that should have been what not to do...

FB is great for remembering, saving, and reminding me of these gems.

Here's the Top 10 Things I've learned about driving from my Dad!

1--Driving over a median should never stop you.

2--Don’t trust maps, I always know the shortcuts that don’t exist to highways that don’t intersect.

3--If I miss the f------ turn, its not the end of the f------ world.

4--Always wait til the last minute before getting into lane to exit.

5--If you make a 90 Degree Right Turn with Dad in the car, he almost craps his pants.

6--Why use the turn signal, you could just save $200.

7--If you get a speeding ticket with Dad in the car, he never lets you forget it and you get a new nickname as a result.

8--If its on Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives, its an OK place to stop and eat.

9--When driving across the country, a box of Krispy Kremes and a 2 liter bottle of Coke can get you from Oklahoma City to El Paso.

10—The rules don’t apply to Dad, but they do apply to you when you are driving!!!

In retaliation, after he promised me a payback...he nailed me equally as good. 

I nailed his driving skills, but he really nailed our relationship :)

Turnabout was definitely fair play, and we both took as much shit from each other as we gave.  

Here is his retaliatory Top 10: (unedited)

''I warned you about the paybacks: Top 10 things I’ve learned about life from Jeff:"

1. Never take protective plastic off of anything. He has a plastic covering around the screen of his computer which has more wrinkles than a 100 year old. It looks horrible but he won’t remove it.

2. Never take a tag off of anything. He has multiple items with the original tags on them.

3. Be cheap.

4. Sucker your Dad into buying something you want but don’t want to pay for.

5. When you don’t want to do something, claim ignorance: “Jeff, can you bring me the <whatever>?” and Jeff responds, “I don’t know where it is.” Most of the time it is right in front of him…grrrrrrrrr!

6. Remember every little thing your Dad has ever done that has not worked out correctly and feel free to remind him of them all the time.

7. Sneak up on your Dad and scare the living crap out of him then laugh yourself silly when his hair stands up straight and his eyes pop out of his face as he rises up from a sitting position with his legs and arms flailing.

8. Use your Dad’s beard trimmer (which I don’t mind) and leave all the little cootie hairs in the sink (WHICH I DO MIND!).

9. When you visit with your Mom and Dad, make sure to grab the TV changer and lose it on the sofa so he can’t change the channel and watch Diners, Drive Ins and Dives or some other fascinating and educational show.

10. Make breakfast for your Dad, with all the trimmings, and think that is enough to make up for all the little things you do to him.