We are Our Stories: Taking our Driving Skills into the Ground

For as long as I can remember, Dad and I loved to insult each other's driving, and every once in a while this would extend to my Mom as well.

One of the earliest occurrences: While learning to drive with my learner's permit, I cut a turn too close and moved a planter on Stockton Street in Hightstown a few feet. Maybe I didn't like where it was placed and thought it needed to be centered more. But Dad was the one who was infamous for missing turns and waiting until the last minute to exit the highway. (Something he always faulted me for!)

In high school, out with my friends one Friday or Saturday night, I got my first speeding ticket. I was hoping to get off with a warning, but no such luck. and I was not as calm as I sound now - so many years later. I dropped my one friend David off at home, and Adam agreed to go back with me to my parents to drop the bomb. I figured they wouldn't kill me if he was there. So, we get back to my house, and I don't remember exactly how we told them, but poor Adam got so worked up my parents forgot to yell at me and were comforting him even though I was the one with the ticket - Something I still find hilarious!

One weekend, driving to some place he heard about on the Food Network (if it was on the Food Network, it was Alan approved) he almost missed the exit off the New Jersey Turnpike and cut across the median to make it just in time.

Another time, driving to the Route 1 Flea Market, he missed the turn and after Mom and I yelled, he actually yelled back which was rare for him "SO I MISSED THE EFFING TURN ITS NOT THE END OF THE EFFING WORLD!!" It was so rare for him to yell, we both shut up after that, although we never let him forget it, either. 

Years later, we were on a roadtrip in Arizona or New Mexico somewhere, and Indiana Zaben with his maps from AAA, discovered a shortcut to get us back home. So, we drive, 45 minutes to get to this shortcut. It was a lovely drive. The only problem was, the shortcut did not exist. We ended up at a dead end, only to turn around and drive the 45 minutes back after we saw the highway right in front of us, but no way to get to it. This was affectionately termed "shortcuts that don't exist to highways that don't intersect". Ironically, this was repeated just a few years before Dad died, AGAIN - we drove somewhere only to turn around and go back and before I could say a word, I heard "NOT ONE WORD JEFFREY NOT ONE WORD" as I sat in the backseat. After he had calmed down, I mentioned to Mom "sometimes you just have to let them make their own mistakes..." -- certainly, when Dad was still in hearing range...

Driving back from El Paso to Arizona after spending a holiday with the family, I got another speeding ticket - This one in New Mexico. There is nothing like getting a speeding ticket with your father sitting in the car. He gave me a new nickname on that trip - LFMFT - Lead Foot Means Fast Travelling... and he would routinely refer to me as Lead Foot after that unfortunate incident.

When I left NJ to move to Arizona in 2001, Dad drove me with me. I planned to drive alone just I had during college in New Mexico, but Dad insisted - He got really nervous at me driving alone for that long of a time. In hindsight, I am so glad he did. It was a great trip! Ever the planner, I had all our stops planned and hotels picked out. My car was loaded full of everything to get me started in Arizona. Leaving Oklahoma City on Day 3 I believe, we planned to stop in Lubbock, TX and then El Paso, TX... but we were already tired of driving. So, we stopped on our way out of Oklahoma City at a Krispy Kreme, and got a dozen donuts and a 2 liter bottle of soda (probably a Diet Coke as he had been diabetic for years by this time). That 2 liter of soda and the 12 donuts got us all the way to El Paso - a 13 hour car ride. We stopped only for gas and the bathroom.

Even after two days resting in El Paso, we were still both sick of driving and car, but not necessarily each other. We floored it all the way to Phoenix. How neither of us didn't end up with a speeding ticket, who knows.

Speaking of Krispy Kremes, Mom and I had our own story with them. Still living in NJ, she visited me for about a week, and I told her she had to try this donut shop that had just opened here! So, we got our dozen and noshed throughout the week. I was flying back to NJ with her, and there was half a box of donuts left. What?! So, we decide to take them in the car and nosh on the way to the airport. OMG - It was like Overeaters Anonymous. "Hand me a donut, scarf it down, hand me another!" -- I remember Mom saying "You're gonna make yourself sick!"  My response:  Shut up and hand me another donut"!

Mom was not immune to the driving stories either.

One time driving me (us) from Albuquerque back to school in Las Cruces, Dad and I heard this rumbling as she pulled into the shoulder. 

What happened, he asked?

Oh nothing, I just fell asleep for a minute that's all"

One time when she was driving pretty aggressively..after we arrived at home, I got out of the car from the backseat, looked under the rear wheels, and said something like "Holy Shit, I think I see Superman's cape under there!"

Similarly, it was one way to really (and easily) irritate Dad - I would get out of the car, and kiss the ground when it was in park and he was no longer driving.

When he would take a corner a little too tightly, I would semi-mutter, loud enough for him to hear, almost like a prayer "Four Wheels, Four Wheels, Four Wheels" - He started saying that to me too when he thought I was taking it a little close. I'm actually not sure anymore who started saying that first, but it was just one of the ways we taunted each other and felt the love. 

As happens with many people, his reflexes slowed as he got older, and he felt I stopped too close without allowing enough time. Out of the corner of my eye, I would see him from the passenger seat - try to apply the brakes as if he was the one driving.. I use to call those his "air brakes" - 'Oh, did you need to use the air brakes, Dad?"

To finish, For Father's Day one year, I  wrote a Top 10 Things I learned about driving from him..or maybe that should have been what not to do...

FB is great for remembering, saving, and reminding me of these gems.

Here's the Top 10 Things I've learned about driving from my Dad!

1--Driving over a median should never stop you.

2--Don’t trust maps, I always know the shortcuts that don’t exist to highways that don’t intersect.

3--If I miss the f------ turn, its not the end of the f------ world.

4--Always wait til the last minute before getting into lane to exit.

5--If you make a 90 Degree Right Turn with Dad in the car, he almost craps his pants.

6--Why use the turn signal, you could just save $200.

7--If you get a speeding ticket with Dad in the car, he never lets you forget it and you get a new nickname as a result.

8--If its on Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives, its an OK place to stop and eat.

9--When driving across the country, a box of Krispy Kremes and a 2 liter bottle of Coke can get you from Oklahoma City to El Paso.

10—The rules don’t apply to Dad, but they do apply to you when you are driving!!!

In retaliation, after he promised me a payback...he nailed me equally as good. 

I nailed his driving skills, but he really nailed our relationship :)

Turnabout was definitely fair play, and we both took as much shit from each other as we gave.  

Here is his retaliatory Top 10: (unedited)

''I warned you about the paybacks: Top 10 things I’ve learned about life from Jeff:"

1. Never take protective plastic off of anything. He has a plastic covering around the screen of his computer which has more wrinkles than a 100 year old. It looks horrible but he won’t remove it.

2. Never take a tag off of anything. He has multiple items with the original tags on them.

3. Be cheap.

4. Sucker your Dad into buying something you want but don’t want to pay for.

5. When you don’t want to do something, claim ignorance: “Jeff, can you bring me the <whatever>?” and Jeff responds, “I don’t know where it is.” Most of the time it is right in front of him…grrrrrrrrr!

6. Remember every little thing your Dad has ever done that has not worked out correctly and feel free to remind him of them all the time.

7. Sneak up on your Dad and scare the living crap out of him then laugh yourself silly when his hair stands up straight and his eyes pop out of his face as he rises up from a sitting position with his legs and arms flailing.

8. Use your Dad’s beard trimmer (which I don’t mind) and leave all the little cootie hairs in the sink (WHICH I DO MIND!).

9. When you visit with your Mom and Dad, make sure to grab the TV changer and lose it on the sofa so he can’t change the channel and watch Diners, Drive Ins and Dives or some other fascinating and educational show.

10. Make breakfast for your Dad, with all the trimmings, and think that is enough to make up for all the little things you do to him.