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Sunday, August 28, 2016

Another Day that Changed My Life

Wednesday, August 24, 2016
This quote popped into my head, and my overactive brain wouldn't let it go. I kept thinking about it, but wasn't really sure what exactly I was struggling with. Since FB posting is helpful for me, and I figured others might benefit or be struggling too, I re-posted the quote.

"Nobody likes letting go. From our earliest moments, from birth until we're six feet under, our instinct is to grab, grip, cling to a finger, bottle, best friend, to a faded old racing form. Sometimes we hold on for dear life to the very things that keep us from living it, but that comes with an upside. It's the way we feel when we finally let go. The trick, I guess, is to not find a way around the curveballs life serves up, but to live with them; a halfway happy, uneasy alliance, and to search for new things to cling to, and when you finally find them to hang on just as tight. And around and around we go, holding on until the time comes to say goodbye, and like it or not, ready or not, you have to accept one universal truth: life is messy. Always and for all of us. But a wise man once said, maybe messy is what you need, and I think you might be right." -- Mary Shannon from "In Plain Sight"

Thursday, August 25, 2016 I shared another post on Facebook

"What doesn't kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor"

I posted it as a sarcastic meme, but it really rang quite true.

Friday, August 26, 2016 

At the request of my Father about a month prior, I took a Vacation Day from work to drive him to Tucson, to speak at 2 unique Relay for Life of Events. I didn't really have thoughts one way or another as far as going or not going, or anything where I felt I didn't really want to go. As luck (or possibly fate) would have it, I would drive both him and another one our close Relay Family friends. In my eyes, I was the hired chauffeur for the day, but since I would get to spend the drive down there with both Dad and Ashley, it was a pleasant way to spend a vacation day, and a day away from work, which is a vacation in itself.  

I made multiple jokes leading up to the day 
"I can't believe I'm taking a day off of work to go to jail"
"They have 13,000 inmates?  Well they will probably have 13,002 by the end of Friday"
Even that morning:  "I hope its not a few years before I get out"

The drive down was uneventful. It was wonderful, as expected, getting to spend quality time with both Dad and Ashley, talking and catching up.

We arrived, parked the car and went into the first Prison unit where Dad was talking. They were holding their actual Relay, and Dad was one of the Survivor Speakers. Even though I have heard his speech before, I don't feel like I have really witnessed other people's reactions to it, or its been so long that I have forgotten. At any rate, even though they were nearly 1200 inmates in the yard we were in, his story connected with many of them with him. 

This sea of orange, hooted, hollered, cheered, and clapped at various points during his speech of his cancer journey and why he volunteers along with his positive outlook on life.

Even though, like I said, I have heard his speech before, It was like hearing his speech through the audience's eyes. I felt this amazing sense of pride and joy.

Another one of the Survivors, also an inmate, also made an impact on me with his speech:
"Best Case Scenario:  I beat cancer and go home"
"Worst Case Scenario: I don't beat cancer and go home to Jesus"
Whoa. What an outlook.
"Even if you don't beat cancer, always, always, keep fighting until the end"


When the Survivor Lap began, they patted Dad on the shoulder, high fived him, and asked if they could walk with him...It was extremely touching to witness for me. I can only imagine how it made him feel.

The prisoners raise money and participate like any typical Relay for Life - play games, walk, run, the Survivor and Caregiver Lap, etc.  It was very eye opening and a completely different vibe than any other Relay even I have ever been to.

We thought everything would be very controlled and monitored, guards stationed every few feet. But, if you didn't know you were at a prison, you would have thought it was any other event at a park or high school.

Talking to one of inmates during some downtime, he shared part of his own story:
"Sometimes you make a stupid decision.  Some just get caught"
"You can make the most of it and learn from your mistakes or you can go back and repeat them"
"There are people here who will never learn"

Basically, prisoners are people too, people who make mistakes, and its really not much like what you see on TV.

We went to lunch before making our way to the 2nd Unit, this one more heavily guarded, we went through a slightly more thorough security check, multiple separated glass doors, etc. I was amused to see, similar to how it is portrayed on TV, that prisoners with good behavior were driving buses around the complex from the main building to each unit.

This unit was a different setup - they were not having their actual Relay yet, so Dad gave his speech in effect, to the Planning Committee, made up of approximately 7 inmates. In many ways, this was a more intimate setting with only 10 of us total in the room. I could instantly feel his connection with everyone else in the room, and even now, writing this 2 days later, I still get a combination of chills and warm fuzzies. It was a magical set of moments I am so proud to have been there firsthand to experience.

The most interesting question, which I don't think he's been asked before, was 
"What's on your bucket list?"

One of the things I got a kick out of was they told him for as much medically as he has going on, he doesn't look that bad!

Multiple times,the group asked him if there was any way possible, for him to make the trip back for their actual Relay Day.  Different inmates, almost asking in a way like you are asking a teacher for permission. It was so heartfelt and awesome to experience. They all (as did we) wanted to take a picture together, so we did. 
It was one of the many highlights of the day.

My Dad posted, on his Facebook on Friday as well:
What a unique and wonderful day. I had the honor of speaking about relay for life at two units of the Arizona state prison in Tucson. We mingled and talked with the inmates, more than 1,250 of them in minimum and medium security units. We got to know them as human beings, albeit ones who made a mistake and are now paying for it. They were so appreciative that we came all the way from Chandler to be with them and urge them on. We participated in the relay of the first unit and were asked to return in the next few months for the actual relay in the second unit. Handshakes and "bro" hugs accompanied our exit. This was the first time I have ever visited a prison. My only "knowledge" of prison life came from what is displayed on TV shows. What an awakening today. All the inmates working together in a common cause-the fight against cancer. I am so proud to have been a part of it.

Clearly the day made a huge impact on both of us.

It was a completely different vibe than anything I've ever felt or seen before. I hope i get to experience it again. Euphoric. The whole day has been replaying in my mind since we left. It changed my life. More on this below, but, I can't wait to go back for what is hopefully the first of many Relay Events we participate in here.

It was one of the most enlightening and inspirational days. I am thrilled to have had the opportunity to participate. 

Later on Friday, after we got home, I stated:
It was one of those cathartic and fulfilling days where I choose to believe the universe made things happen the way they were meant to be. Grateful, and Inspired don't even begin to describe it.

I slept better that night than I had in a while. 

It took me a couple of days to process the mix of emotions I felt. In some ways, I think I will continue processing and benefitting from everything I felt and saw.  I felt like this cloud that I've been living in, that I had no idea was there...had been lifted, this huge weight off my shoulders. I am incredibly thankful and grateful that things have happened the way they did.

What I came to realize was that the best thing you can do for yourself is to forgive yourself, because no one is perfect, and everyone at some point, makes a mistake. For the first time in years, the black cloud lifted, and I forgave myself.  

As much as the prisoners felt we helped them reach their goal to raise money for cancer research, I think they helped me reach mine.