The Chair

I wrote recently on Facebook:

This is what grief looks like. Even though it’s been my computer in the office, I was using Dad’s chair. It had been getting on in years for a while - even before he died.  After he died, the leather began peeling more, and it started falling apart. The right arm became unhinged one Saturday morning. Still, it was a connection to my Dad, and part of me thought, he is going to kill me for touching stuff in his office! 

This extended to the chair - After someone you love dies, you will grab onto, and keep your hands on, anything you can get of theirs. I have needed to replace the chair for a while, and we’ve been looking for a few weekends, but never found the perfect fit. It was time. I was ready. Today, we hit a couple more stores, found it, bought it and 30 minutes later it’s in its new home. Wheeling the old chair out, I felt a certain measure of peace. I think Dad would approve. What’s he gonna do, ground me??

Recently, I've had a set of dreams that have led me to believe that either Dad is trying to transcend to his next level of afterlife, or that he needs my help to move him and he wants me to move myself along too. Dreams where he is in his car needing help, where we are at a car dealership buying a new car for him, and the latest one where he is helping me to setup a new apartment I have moved into and he brought me a red alarm clock, as if to say WAKE UP! I AM STILL WITH YOU even if you are someplace new. Very interesting and comforting dreams, indeed.

There are some movies that just speak to your soul, and yesterday we saw one of them. The last time I felt this strongly about a movie, I had seen "The Shack" and "Collateral Beauty" in the year before Dad died while he was really struggling and I felt those movies were helping me to prepare for what I knew lie ahead.

This time, the movie was "Faith, Hope, and Love" and the description sounded good:
"a heartwarming romantic comedy about two vulnerable, lost souls who have each suffered deep losses and have their guards up as a result.  When they enter a dance contest, and become partners, they begin to discover new perspectives on life, love, and faith"

Yes, I cried, but happy and good tears, not uncontrollable sobbing. I related to the themes and emotions expressed in the movie. Wife, Husband, and 2 young daughters, The wife died about 2 years ago and Dad is having trouble moving forward. The wife had written a letter to her husband "in case of my death" which he struggles as to whether or not to read throughout the movie....It hit really close to home - My guard is definitely up as a result of my Dad's death. 

He meets the dance partner who has her own struggles with loss and learning to love again.

The movie just spoke to me..It was one of those, like The Shack and Collateral Beauty, that I felt destined to see, that I felt was delivering some messages I needed to hear. In this case, the movie was my teacher:

It's ok to move forward. 
It's ok to be happy again.  
It's ok not to let grief be the foremost thought.
It's ok to let some things go.

If I wasn't convinced enough that the movie was a sign for me..We went to Cost Plus World Market after dinner looking for something, where this book (a blank journal) on display captured my attention.

Buying the new chair and throwing the old chair out without looking back or feeling guilt was a large step for me.

It was a measure of Faith, of Hope, and of Love.

More large steps to come.

PS: Running errands the day after I posted this...another Faith Hope Love appeared in my path when I returned to the car after stopping for lunch.