Dealing with the Circles of Grief

 I wrote recently in an online forum answering the question, “how well did/do I deal with grief?”

I am sharing in case what i did can help anyone else.

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Three years ago, I would have said not well at all. 

I can recall the day and the days after when we had to put my dog to sleep and I was 15. It’s 32 years later and I can still recall those emotions and what I felt that day. 

But almost 4 years (in September) after losing my Dad, I am doing what I never thought possible: surviving and thriving. I was so devastated at first, I did not know how or want to go on. Some of what’s worked for me, in no particular order:

1. A lot of tears

2. Therapy and Grief Support Group/Groups

3. Talking...A LOT

3a. I had friends who offered to be my emergency friends...meaning...I needed to talk or cry and I could call or text them at any hour. I had a couple at work, and a few outside of work...I remember calling some just hysterically bawling I was so upset at times.

4. Keeping your loved one present. I flip verb tenses, although now mostly I feel I speak in past tense...but I interject or comment “Dad would like...” or “Dad did this” or “This one time, Dad said”...  Some of his stories have become my own.

5. SELF CARE!! Took me a while to be comfortable with this one, but now I see it as vital. I am a natural caregiver and Empath and I tend to put others first. Sometimes I wear a shirt of his for extra moral support, or I use the Dad tshirt blanket as a hug when needed.

6. Feel the feels...the only way through to the other side, is to grieve. 

7. Go for a walk. Find some kind of out. It’s ok to step away from your grief for a bit and escape. Go to or watch a movie. Travel. Write. Listen to music. I find watching or listening to something I already know is like comfort food for my brain. 

8. Keep old traditions as a way to keep them present but establish new ones too. Just because you move forward doesn’t mean you are leaving them behind. We have Chinese food on Christmas (old tradition) but we now also have Italian on Christmas Eve (new tradition)

9. It’s ok to write them, FB them, communicate the way you did when they were here. I still FB (post) on his wall with something funny or to catch him up or just talk. I bring lunch to the cemetery and talk there. We have lunch as we did when he was here on Earth. Find a way to modify your routines and incorporate him or her. Over time, you may become less reliant on them...

And lastly....Reach out. I still struggle with this somewhat, but I have people I reach out to when I need. Grief is very isolating, and makes you feel very alone in your feelings, like no one can possibly feel what you are. Although our relationships with our loved ones are unique, fellow grievers know what it’s like. We have either been there, are there, or will be there again. We get it. No matter if it’s your wife or husband, parent, child or pet...Grief is different, but it is also similar.

Being “OK” is up to you...and it comes when you are ready. That’s how it happened for me. Am I completely over it? Do I not grieve or miss him or get angry? No...I still have those “episodes” or waves of grief, but they are less frequent snd generally less intense than they used to be. I am not over the loss, but I have figured out how to manage around it. I picture it like two circles...one circle inside the other. At the beginning the smaller circle took up all the space of the larger one. Now, mostly, the smaller circle has reduced in size. That small circle is grief, and the space between it and the outer circle is managing to live among your grief.