Hugs Help

I’m not surprised, but you can only avoid the feelings/emotions for so long. As we have done for many years and as I posted last night, we participated in a cancer event to honor and remember. I had these emotional barriers I put up, or so I thought.  We saw many friends (Relay Family) we hadn’t seen in quite some time.  Even 3.5 years later my brain still plays tricks on me and I had to catch myself before I almost said, let’s take a picture. He’ll love to know I ran into you! Oops. 

A friend gave us something Dad had written in his own handwriting. That too, didn’t affect me at the time. I was and am proud of myself. There was a time seeing that would have brought immediate tears.  

Once we got home, my brain started to process the evening. I miss him, and miss not being able to share my current life with him. I have come so far in these past 3.5 years. We hadn’t seen some of these friends since the last in person Relay in 2019. It was also a stark reminder how different life is now compared to how it used to be.   Not only did I get triggered for his loss, I got triggered by how much Covid has changed everything for me, for us all. 

We did stuff to honor him and spent the day really the way we enjoyed and how he would have liked to spend too...but  the changes that caused the event to be different this year due to Covid....I think seeing some familiar faces, as nice as it was, was a reminder I didn’t really expect to affect me so strongly. 

It made me miss what was.

This AM, I went for my 2nd vaccination and I missed him more. We bonded over many early morning medical appointments or procedures. I could have seen going with me as a caregiver, just as I was for him.

The first Covid vaccine was more anxiety filled for me. After even my relatively (my definition) mild case of Covid, I had anxiety over the vaccine making me feel like i did when I was sick. I never want to feel that way again or struggle to breathe.

The second one this AM was more emotional. Dad not here. Life completely changed over the past year.  Last night made me realize how helpful a hug is, how it is something to be cherished and how much it helps.

Even after we returned home, Mom and I hugged before I went to bed.  Since last March, we have generally done elbow or fist bumps to say goodnight. It was nice.

Hugs rock. ❤️💜