You Can Run, But You Cannot Hide

You can run but you cannot hide.

One of my friends posted this statement over the weekend:

“Feeling the need to be busy all the time is a trauma response and fear-based distraction from what you’d be forced to acknowledge and feel if you slowed down.”

I admitted to her, and to myself really, that was exactly what I was doing this weekend, what would have been (on Friday), my parents 49^th wedding anniversary.

Friday, I took a vacation day. Part mental health day, but mostly to spend the day with my Mom and keep her company (and both of us occupied).

We went out to breakfast, did some shopping, to the movies, to lunch, and then met a friend for dinner and then bowling.

Saturday, we flew to El Paso to spend with my Aunt and Uncle and so that I could participate in the “Tour De Tolerance,” on Sunday, an annual event put on by the El Paso Holocaust Museum.

I have participated every year since 2011.

Last year, the route changed and it went from the typical 5K route to what I call a desert trail route – It goes through the desert of New Mexico, away from the road, up and down sand dunes as if you running along the beach, surrounded by wilderness. I for one, was hoping not to see any snakes or other critters.

Since I walk and train on pretty solid and non hilly ground, the race is fun, but is also a challenge for me.

Where I normally set a time goal, for this one, I knew my limits and I decided to remove the time limit – I had no goal as far as time.

My goal was just to finish the race under the power of my own legs, and not on a stretcher!

Half joking, but half serious too.

I took a few breaks along the way, snapped some pictures of the gorgeous scenery – since I wasn’t going to set any time records for the race or for myself, the pressure in that regard, was off.

I waited up for my Aunt and her friend every so often, helped all 3 of us up some pretty big (for us) hills of sand and rock.

After climbing one of the hills that was particularly steep (there were two of them), we needed all the help we could get.

“Help me, Moishe”

“Moses, take the wheel!”

By the time we saw the sign that stated “OH HELL!  You’ve come this far…you  may as well finish!” We all laughed and found our second wind.

Ironically, around the same time, playing on my MP3 was “Heaven Helps the Man” by Kenny Loggins and I thought, oh yeah…Heaven is definitely helping THIS man!

Part of the lyrics of that song

“Heaven helps the man who fight his fear…”

“Running away will never make me free.

“I’m shaking the past making my breaks

Taking control, if that’s what it takes

The song talks about a man facing a fear and taking control of his life.

I just love it when songs I hear during a race match what I’m feeling or experiencing during those times.

Shortly thereafter, when the trail running part of the race was complete and I was back on the road, “Hurts So Good” by John Cougar Mellencamp played.

Oh let’s talk about what “Hurts So Good!”

My Aunt and I modified the words to the Sound of Music to “the hills are alive with the sound of pain” and my personal favorite: “The dunes are alive with the sound of oy gevalt, oy vey es mir, OYYY everything!”

I have read how multiple 1s such as 1:11 or 11:11 on the clock, are signs of angels around you.

As I crossed the finish line, my official recorded time from the race, was 1:11.

In a weird coincidence, I started the MapMyWalk app on my phone late – a couple of minutes after I crossed the start line.

As I normally do, I got distracted after we crossed the finish lined, and forgot to turn it off.

By the time I remembered, it too registered 1:11 as my completion time.

After the race was over, I no longer had to think about “let’s just survive this” and my mind began wandering.

I unfortunately, had time to think, maybe for the first time all weekend.

I wanted to share the moment, share in the moment with my Dad.

He would have been so proud, going out of my comfort zone, and completing another race.When he was able, he would sit and wait for me at the finish line, my proudest and biggest supporter, just as my Mom was doing.

I began to think and miss him.

Friday was their anniversary and we stayed so busy all weekend, I did not allow myself time to think.

My goal was to stay distracted..to have a great time, which we did, but in a way, I ran away.

I felt this wave of emotion (a grief wave) approaching.  To gain some peace and clear my head, I left the sitting area, and walked around the school complex we were in...It was a huge sprawling campus, a complex of separate buildings. I found some peace in walking alone among the buildings, enjoying the scenery and the quiet. I felt particularly spiritual, a spiritual presence even. I heard the sound of the wind move across the school fields. It was the sound of calm. I communed with nature and I took my time, just cherishing the experience.

When we returned home late yesterday, the nonstop flurry of activity of the weekend finally caught up to me.

I was exhausted – not only physically, but mentally.

For the first time in a while, I noted my Dad’s missing presence at home upon our return.

I know some of this is in part because we are approaching the 2 year mark next month.

Actually, I noticed it even before we left El Paso.

I did not want to return home, I wanted to stay.

Returning home meant I would have to acknowledge and face reality.

We both would.

The more you run, the more you can’t hide.