Carry On, My Wayward Son, For There'll be Peace When You Are Done

I heard the song "Wayward Son" by Kansas play in the car. As I heard the lyrics, I related to them. I thought, that's me:

"Carry on my wayward son
For there'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more..."

 

My Dad and I both had quite extensive music collections on each of our computers.I found out we were very similar in this way after his death - we both had similarly categorized folders of music categories (Oldies, Soundtracks, Jazz, Rock etc)... When I combined his computer with mine, I moved his music over to mine, but I did not combine the folders. I didn't really touch his folders or look at them much -- I left them intact.

Today, in an an effort to connect with him, to distract myself from thinking too much, and maybe because I am just at that point in my grief and ready (he's been gone almost two years) - I integrated his music and mine. I listened to some. I deleted some songs that I had no interest in. I felt bad as I copied or deleted the first few files, like shouldn't I keep his stuff intact so I can listen to just his music. But then I changed my mind. He won't be here to listen to it or yell at me for touching his stuff (something I was infamous for and got yelled at many times over the years, especially when I was younger).

I changed my mind and the fear dissipated. As I combined his music with mine, I thought, it's a metaphor for how we go on with life after their death. We fight it at first, we want to go back to how things were and leave things the way they are. We want to, but can't. But we realize the best way to carry on their legacy, is that we, their children, are the best part of their legacy. We carry part of them forward with us. Just because there are no longer separate folders of Dad's music vs My Music on the computer doesn't mean his music isn't there. It is. His music is intertwined with mine, and mine with his. Amazingly, i found peace. You find a way to live among, and besides the grief. You find the motivation to combine song files and make them one.

Our favorite quote from the original (1978) Superman movie was the quote Jor-El said to his son Kal-El as he said goodbye to him and saved him from devastation on Krypton. We both routinely lived the last line as he aged and suffered from the effects of the cancer. We related to it so much I made it part of the eulogy I gave.

"But we will never leave you... even in the face of our deaths... the richness of our lives shall be yours. All that I have, all that I've learned, everything I feel... all this, and more I... I bequeath you, my son. You will carry me inside you... all the days of your life. You will make my strength your own, and see my life through your own eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father, and the father, the son.”

By working on and working with his music on my computer and combining his music and mine, I have done exactly that. I have always, but I carry my Dad within me. His memory, his strength, and now I carry his music within mine. <3