When the Student is Ready, The Teacher Appears, Part 2

It was somewhat of a challenging day, emotionally.

As I wrote about online a few days ago: 
Night is when I'm alone, when I either have a chance to relax and reflect on my day...worry about the things I can't control and try to shut my brain off to relax. It's when I unwind by watching a tv show, or starting my laundry (which usually gets left in the washer until the following morning). 

It's when after a rough day, I cherish my ME time, even though I love my parents and being here as a caregiver for them just as much.

Finally, its the time when after stifling my emotions all day, I tell myself all day "just wait until you are alone" or "don't cry in front of them" but by the time that happens, I have moved past it, even temporarily, and no tears come out. (Most of the time)

On the way home from dinner with my parents, I began to feel sorry for myself and for the others in my life struggling with various issues. 

Even though I am in midst of getting healthy again, making better food choices and working out, my old frenemy and faithful crutch came to the forefront.

For a few seconds, I thought, "Man, those chewy cookies at Fry's would taste so good right now."  Instant gratification and an instant setback to the hard work and dedication I've put in over the past two weeks.

I felt guilty before I even put a chocolate chip in my mouth. 

Last night, I posted this meme, because I felt it describes my situation accurately. 

and then commented:
Or like me, they eat their feelings and emotions for years to deal with stress as an avoidance technique. For a while I traded the gym for emotional eating, but breaking old habits is hard. #workingonmeforme

How could I now go after the sweets after I said last night that's what I was working so hard not to repeat again?

I decided I wasn't going to give in, and I was going to have to find a way to work past the craving.  At that very moment, I drove by a church with this sign on the outside: 
"When things go bad, don't go with them"

Hmmmm....A Sign?

Clearly, it was something I needed to see.

For whatever reason, I decided to change the song on the radio down one station to the 1970s tunes.  
The song playing:
"No Sugar Tonight" by the Guess Who.

I laughed. 
Thanks, Universe, I get it.

Be Careful What You Watch on TV

I shouldn't have watched Grey's Anatomy this week.

I'm watching tv, crying alongside a character on a show who's own struggles closely mirror my own, and hit way too close to home.

From TV Guide:
"After learning the truth about her mother's inflammatory breast cancer in last week's episode, Maggie goes into attack mode, devouring all kinds of research about the disease and its various treatments. Against pretty much all of her colleagues' advice, Maggie puts her mother on an aggressive regimen, eventually securing her a place in a clinical trial for an experimental treatment -- and firing Meredith (Pompeo) as her mother's surgeon in the process."

This is my life.

I would do everything possible, whatever I can get my hands on if it would cure my Dad and make my Mom feel better.

The above statement about "attack mode" is dead on.

When my Dad was diagnosed with the MDS:
I researched herbal supplements to increase his platelet count, because I was convinced he was suffering from a deficiency, and not cancer.

When I couldn't make him better last week, when I was unable to  fix his pain last week after he fell,
In hysterics, I sobbed that I couldn't keep on seeing him this way and the only way I knew how to fix him was to bring him to a doctor, because this wasn't fair to him.

When his BP was low, I googled and confirmed that drinking more water, exercising, and eating something salty all increase a low blood pressure. All of which were confirmed when we saw the Cardiologist. (I thought was pretty good on my part and we could have saved a copay lol)

When it comes to either of my parents and a medical issue, I feel like I take control and attempt to help (and find a way to fix them) any way I can.

Attack Mode, indeed.

A friend's father passed away last week, after his own battle with cancer, and related ailments. Both of us have Superman incarnated as Fathers.

Even though the ER was never involved, since the events of the last week, every time an ambulance passes by, or I hear the sirens of a nearby emergency, I shudder, and feel the wave of nausea pass through. 

Some little things really affect you. I think "Someone's family member is in danger. Someone needs to hear, and someone needs to be told "I love you, and it's going to be OK"

But then, I saw the most amazing movie: "The Shack"
I felt drawn to see it, and I felt strongly that seeing it would somehow help me.

I was right.
It changed my perspective.

Seeing in the movie what I struggle with on a daily/weekly/monthly basis, somehow made it OK.

Of course, things are also a bit calmer for me at the moment too, which is also helpful.

This was a continuation in a string of movies I have seen over the past few months, which have truly helped me deal, because of the themes they represent and how I can relate them to events or feelings in my own life:

Collateral Beauty
Arrival
The Space Between Us
Passengers
and now,
The Shack

What Can We Do?

"Life is about people. At the end of the day, we're here to connect love, time, death. Now these three things connect every single human being on earth. We long for love. We wish we had more time. And we fear death."
--Howard Inlet, "Collateral Beauty"

I have been through my share of challenges and struggles, but it seems the hardest of those to get through, live through, and learn to overcome, is when a loved one is challenged medically.

I have long been a "fixer".
My eternal goal is to "fix the problem" and help someone else out, make their life easier so we can go back to normal, regular, non-issue life.

I am a fixer at work; it's my job, and where my strengths lie. If there is a workaround to be published, I can find it, as one solution to a problem.

At home, when it comes to raising my two parental "kids" I feel like I'm at a huge disadvantage.

During a recent outburst, I exclaimed "I can't fix you. The only way I know how to fix you is to bring you to a doctor. 

Even if it's only temporary, at least it will provide some comfort because constant discomfort is not fair to you."

All I want to do is fix, fix, fix.

But I can't fix anymore than I can tell you why we're on the path we're on.

But what I can do is LOVE.

What I can do is show my love to those around me, 
and tell them how I feel while I still have that precious opportunity.

What I can do is cherish the time we get to spend together, 
because nothing lasts forever, 
and nearly everything is temporary.

Truly, it is what is.
We can't change it,
We can't fix it,
We can't undo it.

What we can do is make the most of time each of us have, each and every day.

That is what we can all do.

The Son Becomes the Father...

I have long said, and I frequently quote, one of my favorite quotes, from the original Superman movie:

We will never leave you... even in the face of our death. 
The richness of our lives shall be yours. 
All that I have, all that I've learned, everything I feel... all this, and more, 
I... I bequeath you, my son. 
You will carry me inside you, all the days of your life. 
You will make my strength your own, and see my life through your eyes, 
as your life will be seen through mine. 
The son becomes the father, and the father the son.

I liked it so much I made the meme above, and I have used it as my profile picture on Facebook from time to time.

It has nearly always resonated with me, and in recent years, it has really rung quite true when it comes to both my parents. I can appreciate (I hope) everything they have done for me throughout as the years, as we now switch roles and I basically turn into a parent myself as their primary Caregiver.

We will never leave you...
You will carry me inside you, all the days of your life.
I carry some of the best, and probably some of the worst (lol) parts of each of my parents.

From my Mom:
I am emotional and sensitive, caring about others feelings.
I can shop and love a good deal like no one's business! Coupons, baby!
I love to travel, eat well, and live a good life.
My love of the finer things (quality sheets, good name clothes) comes from my Mom.

From my Dad:
The older I get, the more I turn into him.
Because he's turning into my Grandfather, I guess I'm turning into my own Grandpa.
I am logical and ontime to a fault. 
If I am "ontime", I consider myself late. Ontime for me means early.
I am a prankster, I love scaring others (especially Dad) and someone scaring me.

My sarcasm is probably equal parts Mom and Dad.

I want to say I never listened, but they were always right when they said as a kid, don't try to pull it, we're smarter than you and have tried it when we were kids. It didn't matter, I still thought I could outsmart them. Every. Single. Time.

You will make my strength your own, 

The strength and support which I felt as a child looking up to my parents and still feel, unconditionally, I now have the opportunity to repay to my parents. When they are the ones struggling with something, I am there, to run their errands and make their life easier in any and every way possible. 

When I'm upset, they held strong and convinced me not to give up. 
When they are upset, I remain the strong force reinforcing that "everything will be ok" and "no matter what, we will figure it out, and putting my own feelings aside for the moment, if needed.

and see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine.
Somewhere along the way, our roles have switched. 
Who's the parent and who's the child here?

The son becomes the father and mother
And The father and the mother become the "son"
I make no secret that many times, I feel like I'm raising a couple of 70 year old kids:

I run them to doctor's appointments, and medical tests.

I drive them to the movies and pay for their sodas;
I have been known to drive them to meetings with their friends.

I forbid them to drive downtown (Phoenix) by themselves, not because of their driving, but because of the other drivers.

When Dad was learning how to drive with the hand controls, I drove him to driving school!
How's that for a role reversal.

I worry (I know, hard to imagine) and I ask them to text me at times when they arrive home safe.

I do some of their grocery shopping for them and make sure before I leave town for a few days that they are well stocked up.

I fill up their car with gas, and in every way possible try to make their lives easier.

My Father, when necessary, has been grounded. 

When they are nitpicking too much, I mediate between the two.
 (aka "Don't make me stop this car")

I am in charge of the travel arrangements when we go away; I book hotels when they go away, and put my credit card down.

I do most of the driving, in their car.

There are times I put their needs first before my own.

I make sure they eat, even so far as cooking for them:
One of the most interesting and recent epiphanies I had recently was the fond memories I hold of my Grandma (Dad's mother) making scrambled eggs with onions on the weekends, when I was a little boy. Grandma taught Dad, and he would then make them for me as well. Now, I've learned his secrets on how to cook them, and I take great satisfaction on preparing them for him, as he has done for me.

Man, do they have a good deal going! 
I think I want me to parent me.

Travel Memories

I always had a yearning for travel as a kid, which my parents reinforced and helped encourage. I remember trips to Plymouth and Boston, Masschusetts as a kid, driving to Williamsburg, VA and watching history happen, the Amish country over a weekend, etc.

My "thing" of being a planner was cemented early on. 
Before the internet, before Google, Google Maps, and GPS's,
there was AAA, tourbooks, the Triptik and the Phone.
I remember getting the triptik (kind of like Google Maps on paper) and planning that we would arrive at such and such time and we had an hour to stop for lunch at this Exit etc. 

I remember my parents going through the AAA Book and calling hotels.
No websites in those days.
And airlines - you had to call each one, put something on hold, and then call back the one you felt gave you the greatest deal with the flight times you wanted!

I loved being a planner, and I still do.
I started studying to be a Travel Agent, but then is it any surprise I ended up working for an airline?

Here are some of the funny things I remember:

In our apartment on Abbington Drive, with no one else home, I would go into the kitchen, put on the speaker, and make pretend inflight announcements. 
"We are preparing for landing, Please stow all trays and buckle your seatbelts"
"We will be landing shortly"
but my all time my favorite was the oxygen mask demo, which I still love to
imitate, especially with the accompanying hand gestures displaying how the masks drop from the ceiling and how you are supposed to place them "over your nose and mouth" and "adjusting your mask first before those of any children you might be travelling with"

I don't remember ever really wanting to be a flight attendant, I just wanted to make the announcements. 

Before Google, and inhome wifi, and even before AOL - There was Compuserve, and Dad showed me how to login and look at various things. Well, I happened to find this thing called "Eaasy Sabre" which was a way to access American Airline's flight schedules. I believe some Travel Agents probably used it, but I decided I could to - They gave you format of the entries, so I was pulling up flight schedules to different places, etc - whatever I ran across.  I knew enough not to actually book anything, thank goodness. Whether I knew it was an extra, not included, you must pay for this service - I'm not sure, but I just clicked ok and into American Airlines I went. Dad put the kibbosh on this after the first $400 Compuserve bill, because the Sabre thing was a pay per minute service. OOPS! But I was just playing.

The first flight I ever took, I believe was in 1980 or 1981 to visit family in El Paso. This was soon followed by a trip Mom and I took to Denver in 1982, on Continental Airlines to see friends. On that flight, which had the old Continental orange and red sun livery, I remember getting up to use the bathrooom, and the the inflight had the cart in the aisle an asked "What do you want to drink?" I responded, "I need to go to the bathroom."  He responded, "What do you want to drink" and I replied again "I really need to go!" I couldn't understand why he didn't get it. He finally moved the cart. 

I don't remember the year, sometime in the 1980s - We took a family trip one long weekend to Boston, flying out of Newark. For those of you that are airline history buffs, we flew out of the North Terminal in Newark which was the original terminal building built by People's Express before the Continental Merger.
We boarded the flight and took off uneventfully. I remember Mom sitting on the aisle, Dad in the middle, me in the window. Dad brought these pens for me to use and color with to distract me. (I was really young). I was coloring and I remember asking Dad explicitly: 
"What time do we GO DOWN?"
His eyes got really wide open and 
he answered very sharply, "Jeff, don't ever say it like that again"
I just meant what time did we land, geez. 
Out of the mouths of babes.

Fast forward to 1988 - My parents sent to me El Paso for the summer when I was 14, to visit my aunt, uncle, cousins, and grandparents. I flew on American Airlines, Newark to Dallas, and then connecting to El Paso.

This was back in the days when most flights had full meals. Since we didn't know what would be served, my parents special ordered a hamburger and fries for me. When it came time for the meal, the burger and fries were delivered to my seat, wrapped in plastic from the kitchen, but had "GAHB" in Black marker written over the plastic. I was confused and thought I had Mr. Gahb's meal. 
GAHB meant Great American Hamburger.

Flying to Orlando in 1992 as a High School graduation gift. 
We were leaving at night, after Dad got off work.
Mom and I had this brilliant idea to spend the day in the city (NYC), see a play, shop, eat, etc and then meet Dad at the airport.

We were probably late getting the cab back to the airport, and Mom wasn't getting in the cab fast enough for my liking, so I gave her a little nudge.
Never heard the end of that one! I almost got killed. That day, I learned, you never push Mom into a cab. Scratch that, never push Mom, period.

If that wasn't bad enough, then our flight was delayed getting into Orlando.
We split up after arrival, I think I sat with the bags and Dad went to the bathroom, He didn't know where I was, and I watched him circle the baggage area looking for us. He finally found me, and I was so proud of myself.  I even told him I saw him and I wanted to see how long it would take him to find me. 
I was such a little shit.

I think somewhere around 1992 or 1993 - Mom and I flew to New Mexico to look at colleges. I was already in college at this time - but I was looking at colleges in NM to transfer to.  Interestingly - ASU in Tempe (about 15 minutes from me now) was also one I considered, and then eliminated as being too big of a school.  We flew Newark to Houston, and then Houston to Albuquerque.
Our flight was delayed Houston to Albuquerque..When we finally boarded the aircraft, it was late, we had been in the airport for hours, and my Mom with her 500 carryons...We got on the plane, and I was in front of Mom..found our seats towards the back. I think I heard my Mom say to the inflight something about putting the bags in the overhead, and by then I was just DONE.
"THERE'S ROOM RIGHT OVER HERE, MOTHER"
(I never called Mom "MOTHER"....Frankly, I am suprised that I lived to tell.)
But Mom retorted right back "MOTHER, uh oh, Guess I'm in trouble now"

The first time I took Mom on a trip with my airline benefits, we flew to Las Vegas, via Phoenix. Arrived in Phoenix, and the flight was full, so I decided to try Southwest. Left Mom upstairs, went to the Ticket Counter to buy the Southwest Tickets, and then went back upstairs to Mom.
"Let's go, HUSTLE, HUSTLE. The next Southwest Flight is in 15 minutes"
"You hustle, hustle, I'll catch the next damn flight"

The first time I took Dad on a daytrip, we flew to San Francisco for the day.  I ran him (for as fast as he could go) through the airport, onto the airtrain and around the city on the BART. He was exhausted, but we walked, rode, and ate our way through San Francisco. Some things don't change. 

Cancer can, and Cancer cannot...

Cancer Cannot...

Take away your memories
Take away your hope and faith
Be considered an automatic death sentence
Take away the good days
Take away the feelings of love others have for me, or
the feelings of love I have for those who fight cancer
Take away my ability to CHOOSE how I react
Stop life from going on

Cancer Can...

Royally go screw itself
Make you realize there is life, laughter, and love after a diagnosis
Remind you to take and celebrate the small victories
Cause you to constantly adjust to new changes, and
To accept and integrate those changes as "a new normal"
Take away the ignorance of a life unaffected by cancer
Make me appreciate "one more"...day, birthday, holiday, etc
Make me sad, upset or depressed
Make you feel jealous of those who haven't been touched by cancer
On the other hand, you don't really want anyone else to feel the same pain
  and suffer like you do.
Where a new pain of getting sick is a constant cloud, a possible cancer scare
Mean the stress at work means nothing compared to a medical issue
Cause a lot of worrying
Mean finding little ways to make life easier
Be just "being there" for someone as emotional and moral support
Be completely unfair
Challenge your hope and faith
Make you appreciate the good days - without pain, medical issues, hospitals, or doctors
Make planning for the future hard. Especially when you're a planner.
Cause in the father to become the son, and the son, the father.

Be a bonding experience.
  Because of my Dad's chemo each month, it means I get to spend an extra few
  hours a day (for a week) with him (and Mom) I wouldn't normally do.
Cause the "what ifs" fear
Introduce you to new friends
  Without cancer, we would not have met a group of friends who relate to us  on   a much greater scale.  They are not only friends, but they understand our           struggles, our tears, our celebration at hearing the words "not cancer" yet         another time.  They are with us through the good times and bad, the highs
  and the lows. They are our Relay Family.
BE ELIMINATED FROM OUR VOCABULARY with more research and money
Be fought back against
Make me more grateful and thankful for what I have, while I have it
Redirect my priorities and realize what's truly important in life,
  and in that regards, it is in some ways a gift.

What I found writing these was that I had trouble coming up with "cancer cannots" more than "cancer cans."  Meaning?  For as much pain and heartache as it has caused in my life and the lives around me, perhaps it was the path we were meant to take and its all in your perspective and how you choose to react to it.

Life Imitating Art or Art Imitating Life

One of the ways, as I've mentioned in previous posts, is, I gain strength and maintain HOPE by keeping a list of quotes to refer to during my times of inner struggle. I am constantly adding to this list, when a quote resonates with me. It can be from anywhere - a FB post someone shares, a magazine, or even a tv show or movie.

I was watching an episode of "Chicago Fire" recently and two of the main characters struggling with something were advised by a friend:

"Something bad happens and we try to exert control but sometimes it is better to live with the pain for a little while, process it.  It can be a real blow.  There is no harm in admitting it"

Life imitating Art? or Art imitating Life?

It's the same exact advice I was given years ago by a counselor, who told me if I stopped burying my feelings by finding a substitute that allowed me to avoid processing what I was struggling with (the gym, food, etc) - I would come out stronger.

In writing about cancer, I described it as:

It's a tsunami or tidal wave. Sometimes it's forecasted based on previous events - Xrays, a catscan, an MRI. The suspense builds. When it hits, it completely envelopes you and your loved ones. What's the plan? How do we recover? How do you find and adjust to "the new normal" life has waiting for us? We MUST rebuild. 

Sometimes it's a false alarm.
A small normal sized wave that goes back out to sea...and we breathe.

For many years, I was too caught up in avoiding the wave. 

The more I buried my feelings, the more they hurt.

I eventually hit rock bottom, and worked my way out, and continue to work towards seeing the light at the end of that tunnel. 

On the flight recently, I received more inspiration while reading an article in "People" regarding Tim Tebow and the relationship he has with his Dad.

My parents know how I feel, because I constantly tell them I love them while I still have the opportunity. 

The article and the following quotes from Tim Tebow nailed exactly how I feel everyday.

It's been hard to reconcile with the strong -- seemingly invincible -- man who raised him. To see weakness and vulnerability in him, I just feel for him. I find myself being drastically protective of him. I think that's what family is for. They raise you, and then you get to a point where you have to take care of them. --Tim Tebow

"I look at my Dad and think 'I can do anything if I just set my mind to it'. I get that from my Dad." --Tim Tebow

"To be honest, none of us knows how much time we have left. Something could happen to any one of us. But this is a reminder that we need to make time to spend together." --Tim Tebow

"It was a reminder that we don't have an infinite amount of time on Earth with the people we love. Everything can end at any time, and I wanted to make the most of it." --Tim Tebow

Amen.