We are Our Stories: Family Vacations and Fun Times

 Vacations were an integral part of my experience growing up, and I'm sure, led to my love of travel and and my love to also return to favorite places. We would vacation somewhere, and then return there to a place liked. One of those: Ocean City, MD - I think we made about 3 or 4 trips there over a few years.

Rehoboth, DE with its outlet mall was also a favored spot during these trips. But in Ocean City, we spent the day at the pool or the ocean, and found some favorite dining spots. There were the to die for omelettes at the Bayside skillet, the ribs at JR's (I think it may have been the first time I ever had ribs), the ice cream sundaes at Dumser's Drive In (a cross between a Dennys and a Sonic). I remember they were open late and we went out for ice cream one night at 11pm! Once again, Dad had heard of a place (many years before the Food Network was a thing!) serving an open faced (roast) pit beef sandwich so we walked up and down the Ocean City Boardwalk looking for it. We finally did find it - Happy Dad, Happy Family that time. Right next store, was a french fry placed called "Thrashers" and after that Mom and I would say "we feel like Thrashers" while we were during the week or whatnot... Uncharacteristically, Dad blew up and boomed "they are not THRASHERs, They are French Fries!" -- I'm not sure exactly what set him off about it, but it was one of those stories that lived on for decades and decades.

One of those trips, they wanted a dinner alone, so I got to choose the restaurant they picked up my dinner from and I sat on the balcony of our room at the hotel, overlooking the pool and ocean, and had my dinner. It was heaven!! Early introverting at its best!

We took other trips and it seemed like they sometimes tied in to stuff I was learning in school or in movies we saw - Historical based trips to Williamsburg, Virginia; Plymouth and Boston, Massachusetts. Philadelphia was only a short drive away that we made a few times a year to get a cheesesteak, or see Independence Hall and the Franklin Science Center. We did a New England trip one summer or fall after seeing "Mystic Pizza" and spent some time in Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Massachusetts - I believe we went to the New England Aquarium and then of course, Mystic Pizza! where I took a picture next to Julia Roberts' picture!

Indiana (Dad) Zaben, ever the planner like his son turned out to be - would visit AAA and get not only the maps but the triptiks to plan out how we would drive there, where we might stop and get gas, etc - I tease him over this but remember this was before GPS, before Google and the internet - I have to give him the fact we needed that to not be completely lost. In Boston, I remember going to Cheers! as the show was popular then, and in Plymouth seeing Plymouth Rock and being fascinated that colonists on the Mayflower had stepped on this very spot where I was. It was also the first time we went whale watching, which became a life long passion for me. I still love to do that and see whales and dolphins...bucket list item for me is to see a whale tailfin upclose so that I can get a picture of it and witness a breech!

We had an amusement park near us, Great Adventure, but one summer we ended up in Hershey, PA. Hershey Park, Chocolate shopping - OMG - I was in HEAVEN! Hershey Park was especially notable because I talked Mom into going on this ride with me - similar to the pirate ship - just went up and around - did not flip over or anything. I was having a blast, and said to Mom on the ride - "Isn't this fun?!" - She looked funny and had her head in her lap. We got off the ride and she could barely walk. It had terrified her. That may have been the last ride she ever went on with me except for a car.

There were trips to Pennsylvania - My parents passed their love of the Amish, the Amish Country and just Pennsylvania in general on to me. My eternal 12 year old sense of humor loved some of the town names - LiTITz, Intercourse, Mount Joy. What was going on in Pennsylvania? lol

There were also multiple trips to see family, some of which I made on my own. 

One of the first times I ever got an airplane was to visit Aunt Eileen, Uncle Rick and my Grandparents (Dad's parents) in El Paso. I was only about 7 or so, but I have a couple strong memories from then - building a fort in the backyard with my cousins, and then my Aunt telling us we had to take a bath when we came inside because we were so filthy from outside. She doesn't do shmutz and she certainly did not do it then! :) Also, riding in the back of their station wagon, with my Aunt, and tickling her toes (and probably she tickled mine too)....My Aunt was a Kindergarten teacher, and she she took me to her class one day which I thought was just really cool and fun to go with her. (I also loved going with my Dad to work and using the Xerox machine. I guess I was a Judy Bernly in training, I just didn't know it)

The summer Dad was eventually diagnosed with cancer, my parents sent me to Texas to my Grandparents/Aunt and Uncle/and cousins. In hindsight, I think they did that to protect me and give me some happy memories during a challenging time. A skill I didn't realize at the time, but I am so thankful to them for, and I am thankful to now be able to implement on my own as a coping and survival tactic. At the time, we didn't know it was cancer - that would be diagnosed just over a month after I got back home. But that summer and the next, I spent in El Paso making wonderful memories with family. It was during that time, I was about 14, I decided that somehow, somewhere, I was going to move out to the Desert Southwest.

My Aunt was a kindergarten teacher as I said, and I remember coloring these snoopy things she made for her class. It helped her out, but in hindsight as an adult, what a great way to relieve anxiety too. Well one night, I think we ran out of Snoopys to color, so we went to Kinkos around 11pm to make some copies. This particular Kinkos, the machines were named to identify them. "Muffy" "Buffy" "Tuffy" etc which I thought was not only cute, but hysterical. As luck would have it, the machine my Aunt was using broke. She broke Tuffy! or was it Muffy!  Oh such fun times and memories <3

El Paso is a border city and walking over to Juarez, Mexico was an OK thing to do then. So we did - went shopping, etc.. I remember crossing back over to the US, US Border Patrol asked if we were all US citizens, and my Aunt replied "Except my nephew, he's from NEW JERSEY!!" I wanted to curl up in a ball, but the officer laughed and let us through - after we paid the 25c fee of course!

We went to Santa Fe and White Sands, NM during that first summer, and visited the City of Rocks during the 2nd summer, 1989..when my parents surprised all of us and spent a couple weeks after Dad was well enough to travel. It was quite funny at the time, because I had called them a few days earlier asking to send more money because I found this store called "Mervyns" and I wanted to do my back to school shopping there. Dad said they would "think about it" which I had heard plenty of by this time and I knew that was really a "No." But, neither of my parents spilled the beans, and within a few days, they pulled off their surprise:

I was at Aunt Eileen's with the rest of the family, and my Grandparents were a few miles away at their house. They relied on my Aunt for transportation, so when they knocked on the door and my Aunt answered - her first question was how did you get over here, and they said they had walked. My Aunt didn't believe them and got suspicious and peeked her head out the door. "Allie, is that you?" I heard her say...the next thing I knew, she was waddling down the street shrieking "if that's my brother, I'm gonna drop dead!" Such a fun memory!! My parents were parked in a rental car, just down the block.

Dad's cancer was of course, a life changing thing for him and for us. We travelled a bit more after, even though it was probably hard and tiring on him. He was determined because life was short. We returned to El Paso for at least one Thanksgiving in the next few years, and in December 1988 for my Grandfather's 80th Birthday party. What I remember from that was not how he looked because of the chemo, but how he still tried to make everyone laugh and keep things light, despite whatever he was feeling. He dressed up in a nightgown and a shower cap one night and threw himself (flirted) with my uncle. It worked - everyone laughed. One night, we used my Uncle's telescope to see the stars, it was cold out and my Aunt made hot chocolate. Sometimes those simple kind of memories are the best ones. Inside joke, my Aunt will know what I mean, when I say, I think the first time I got the thumbs was during this visit! And if it wasnt the first, it was certainly the most memorable for me.

There were trips to Baltimore, also to visit family and the Inner Harbor.

We went to Disney World and Universal Studios (Florida) just after I graduated high school as a Graduation present.

While Dad introduced me to his love of music, it was Mom who introduced me to the arts. I love a good theatre show or musical, thanks to her. We saw Rosie O'Donnell play Rizzo in Grease where I think I got her signature and probably shook her hand. We saw Bette Midler (I think at Radio City Music Hall) and Barbara Joan Streisand at Madison Square Garden. My first concert ever was either Kris Kristofferson (country music singer at the time) with Nicolette Larson at a NJ State Fair or the Beach Boys performing at a local amusement park one night. We've seen Air Supply a few times too. In 2022, we have tickets to see "Come From Away" that was cancelled last year due to Covid. We've seen 'A Chorus Line' performed live which was also a bucket list item for me.

Seeing the Rockettes and walking around NYC during the Holidays and seeing the Holiday windows was such a special treat for me, and in writing this, is why when Mom and I  did similar in London in 2018 - it nourished my soul on a level I I can't really put into words. But it gives me absolute, pure joy, and I/we will make another trip to London when it is safe to go during that time.

After Dad died, Mom and I began travelling again. From my perspective, part to combat the traumatic loss and part to live as if we were dying (to quote Tim McGraw) and taking advantage of the time we have left and as I called it, "making intentional memories." We did a bunch of daytrips - San Francisco, Vegas, Orange County, Monterrey and more. Some of the bigger trips - Maui, London, Burbank (Warner Brothers Studio Tour, Universal Studios and Hollywood), an annual trip back to New Mexico (Albuquerque and Santa Fe).. notable during one Santa Fe trip during the winter was we decided to drive up the mountains to the ski area, only to get stuck in our rental car. Talk about stress!! Thanks to a couple of guys who helped push us out and then we did not stop, we did not pass go, we did not collect $200 - kept going all the way back down the mountain to the non-snow-areas. 

As I wrote this, it is the 4th anniversary of missing Dad. As has been the case, the lead up has been an expected challenge, but today, at the moment at least, I feel a sense of calm and peace. We are preparing to leave in a few hours for another trip of making intentional memories - Newport, Laguna, and the Seal Beach areas of Southern California.

We make more "intentional memories" on every single trip, and there are more to come.

We are Our Stories: Taking our Driving Skills into the Ground

For as long as I can remember, Dad and I loved to insult each other's driving, and every once in a while this would extend to my Mom as well.

One of the earliest occurrences: While learning to drive with my learner's permit, I cut a turn too close and moved a planter on Stockton Street in Hightstown a few feet. Maybe I didn't like where it was placed and thought it needed to be centered more. But Dad was the one who was infamous for missing turns and waiting until the last minute to exit the highway. (Something he always faulted me for!)

In high school, out with my friends one Friday or Saturday night, I got my first speeding ticket. I was hoping to get off with a warning, but no such luck. and I was not as calm as I sound now - so many years later. I dropped my one friend David off at home, and Adam agreed to go back with me to my parents to drop the bomb. I figured they wouldn't kill me if he was there. So, we get back to my house, and I don't remember exactly how we told them, but poor Adam got so worked up my parents forgot to yell at me and were comforting him even though I was the one with the ticket - Something I still find hilarious!

One weekend, driving to some place he heard about on the Food Network (if it was on the Food Network, it was Alan approved) he almost missed the exit off the New Jersey Turnpike and cut across the median to make it just in time.

Another time, driving to the Route 1 Flea Market, he missed the turn and after Mom and I yelled, he actually yelled back which was rare for him "SO I MISSED THE EFFING TURN ITS NOT THE END OF THE EFFING WORLD!!" It was so rare for him to yell, we both shut up after that, although we never let him forget it, either. 

Years later, we were on a roadtrip in Arizona or New Mexico somewhere, and Indiana Zaben with his maps from AAA, discovered a shortcut to get us back home. So, we drive, 45 minutes to get to this shortcut. It was a lovely drive. The only problem was, the shortcut did not exist. We ended up at a dead end, only to turn around and drive the 45 minutes back after we saw the highway right in front of us, but no way to get to it. This was affectionately termed "shortcuts that don't exist to highways that don't intersect". Ironically, this was repeated just a few years before Dad died, AGAIN - we drove somewhere only to turn around and go back and before I could say a word, I heard "NOT ONE WORD JEFFREY NOT ONE WORD" as I sat in the backseat. After he had calmed down, I mentioned to Mom "sometimes you just have to let them make their own mistakes..." -- certainly, when Dad was still in hearing range...

Driving back from El Paso to Arizona after spending a holiday with the family, I got another speeding ticket - This one in New Mexico. There is nothing like getting a speeding ticket with your father sitting in the car. He gave me a new nickname on that trip - LFMFT - Lead Foot Means Fast Travelling... and he would routinely refer to me as Lead Foot after that unfortunate incident.

When I left NJ to move to Arizona in 2001, Dad drove me with me. I planned to drive alone just I had during college in New Mexico, but Dad insisted - He got really nervous at me driving alone for that long of a time. In hindsight, I am so glad he did. It was a great trip! Ever the planner, I had all our stops planned and hotels picked out. My car was loaded full of everything to get me started in Arizona. Leaving Oklahoma City on Day 3 I believe, we planned to stop in Lubbock, TX and then El Paso, TX... but we were already tired of driving. So, we stopped on our way out of Oklahoma City at a Krispy Kreme, and got a dozen donuts and a 2 liter bottle of soda (probably a Diet Coke as he had been diabetic for years by this time). That 2 liter of soda and the 12 donuts got us all the way to El Paso - a 13 hour car ride. We stopped only for gas and the bathroom.

Even after two days resting in El Paso, we were still both sick of driving and car, but not necessarily each other. We floored it all the way to Phoenix. How neither of us didn't end up with a speeding ticket, who knows.

Speaking of Krispy Kremes, Mom and I had our own story with them. Still living in NJ, she visited me for about a week, and I told her she had to try this donut shop that had just opened here! So, we got our dozen and noshed throughout the week. I was flying back to NJ with her, and there was half a box of donuts left. What?! So, we decide to take them in the car and nosh on the way to the airport. OMG - It was like Overeaters Anonymous. "Hand me a donut, scarf it down, hand me another!" -- I remember Mom saying "You're gonna make yourself sick!"  My response:  Shut up and hand me another donut"!

Mom was not immune to the driving stories either.

One time driving me (us) from Albuquerque back to school in Las Cruces, Dad and I heard this rumbling as she pulled into the shoulder. 

What happened, he asked?

Oh nothing, I just fell asleep for a minute that's all"

One time when she was driving pretty aggressively..after we arrived at home, I got out of the car from the backseat, looked under the rear wheels, and said something like "Holy Shit, I think I see Superman's cape under there!"

Similarly, it was one way to really (and easily) irritate Dad - I would get out of the car, and kiss the ground when it was in park and he was no longer driving.

When he would take a corner a little too tightly, I would semi-mutter, loud enough for him to hear, almost like a prayer "Four Wheels, Four Wheels, Four Wheels" - He started saying that to me too when he thought I was taking it a little close. I'm actually not sure anymore who started saying that first, but it was just one of the ways we taunted each other and felt the love. 

As happens with many people, his reflexes slowed as he got older, and he felt I stopped too close without allowing enough time. Out of the corner of my eye, I would see him from the passenger seat - try to apply the brakes as if he was the one driving.. I use to call those his "air brakes" - 'Oh, did you need to use the air brakes, Dad?"

To finish, For Father's Day one year, I  wrote a Top 10 Things I learned about driving from him..or maybe that should have been what not to do...

FB is great for remembering, saving, and reminding me of these gems.

Here's the Top 10 Things I've learned about driving from my Dad!

1--Driving over a median should never stop you.

2--Don’t trust maps, I always know the shortcuts that don’t exist to highways that don’t intersect.

3--If I miss the f------ turn, its not the end of the f------ world.

4--Always wait til the last minute before getting into lane to exit.

5--If you make a 90 Degree Right Turn with Dad in the car, he almost craps his pants.

6--Why use the turn signal, you could just save $200.

7--If you get a speeding ticket with Dad in the car, he never lets you forget it and you get a new nickname as a result.

8--If its on Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives, its an OK place to stop and eat.

9--When driving across the country, a box of Krispy Kremes and a 2 liter bottle of Coke can get you from Oklahoma City to El Paso.

10—The rules don’t apply to Dad, but they do apply to you when you are driving!!!

In retaliation, after he promised me a payback...he nailed me equally as good. 

I nailed his driving skills, but he really nailed our relationship :)

Turnabout was definitely fair play, and we both took as much shit from each other as we gave.  

Here is his retaliatory Top 10: (unedited)

''I warned you about the paybacks: Top 10 things I’ve learned about life from Jeff:"

1. Never take protective plastic off of anything. He has a plastic covering around the screen of his computer which has more wrinkles than a 100 year old. It looks horrible but he won’t remove it.

2. Never take a tag off of anything. He has multiple items with the original tags on them.

3. Be cheap.

4. Sucker your Dad into buying something you want but don’t want to pay for.

5. When you don’t want to do something, claim ignorance: “Jeff, can you bring me the <whatever>?” and Jeff responds, “I don’t know where it is.” Most of the time it is right in front of him…grrrrrrrrr!

6. Remember every little thing your Dad has ever done that has not worked out correctly and feel free to remind him of them all the time.

7. Sneak up on your Dad and scare the living crap out of him then laugh yourself silly when his hair stands up straight and his eyes pop out of his face as he rises up from a sitting position with his legs and arms flailing.

8. Use your Dad’s beard trimmer (which I don’t mind) and leave all the little cootie hairs in the sink (WHICH I DO MIND!).

9. When you visit with your Mom and Dad, make sure to grab the TV changer and lose it on the sofa so he can’t change the channel and watch Diners, Drive Ins and Dives or some other fascinating and educational show.

10. Make breakfast for your Dad, with all the trimmings, and think that is enough to make up for all the little things you do to him.

We are Our Stories: Pranks, Jokes, and Other Funny Memories

I needed (wanted) some bookshelves in my room as a teen and Dad in his infinite wisdom, decided it would be a great weekend project for us to do ourselves. We bought the unfinished wood, the shellack, we used my existing natural wood dresser as the workspace. It was a comedy of errors from start to finish. The shellack he put into styrofoam cups, not realizing when we let it sit - it would eat through the styrofoam.  Hammering a nail, he slammed his thumb which I thought was hilarious. Its only funny until someone gets hurt and then its hysterical, right? The shelves were finished and hung up on the wall with brackets if I remember correctly.. Oh lord - it looked so awful we called it Carpenter's Nightmare, and we never attempted anything similar again. Oh, and from all the hammering and nails we used, the top of my dresser had multiple permanent nail holes in it. Oops!! Bob Vila was popular at the time on "This Old House" on PBS - probably where Dad got the idea from!! Bob Vila probably would have had a heart attack if he saw it LOL

In later years, we said if Dad saw it on the Food Network, it was a Dad approved place to eat.  But before the Food Network, there was PBS and he watched Bob Vila and a few cooking shows - I remember "Yan Can Cook" was a Chinese food cook and that's how we ended up with the wok from what he watched on there.

Apparently if it was on PBS, some version of made it into our house.

 ..

Growing up, Dad and I were famous (or maybe infamous or both) for pranking each other. There were multiple water fights, ice fights, ice water poured over showers as one of us was showering..I can still hear him lovingly scream..you son of a bitch as I waited for him to retaliate. He would say something about payback and that there would definitely be a payback, but when I least expected it! And he did...

One time, I hid behind the kitchen wall, heard him approach and downed a bucket of ice cold water, stopping him dead in his tracks. He got me too, although I hated to admit it. I remember him coming up behind me and screaming trying to catch me off guard. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, sometimes I would hold it together even though it really rattled me and tried to prevent him from seeing that it did! Of course, he did the same with me.

One time in the house on Robertson Road one Sunday morning, we chased each other and I grabbed what I could to defend myself - a container of Johnson's Baby Powder. From the landing on the stairs between the 1st and 2nd floor, I squirted the baby powder towards him. Unfortunate for me, Mom was standing between us and she and her hair got caught in the crossfire. The one thing you still never do - is mess with Mom's hair. How we both managed to survive that episode, I'll never know.

This extended to driving...when one of us would scream to catch the other off guard, especially as we were backing out of a parking spot. I can still hear him bellowing "WATCH IT JEFF!!!" followed by me slamming the brakes. Years later, I tried it with a friend as she drove and she exclaimed "Shit! What did I hit?!" - I had a really good laugh over that with Dad. I was definitely his son in that regard.  If I had a water bottle in the backseat, I would fake sneeze and then spray water from the bottle on his neck which was pretty good at startling him and catching him off guard. More on driving in a different blog post, though.

For the most part, I caught him offguard, but the times he managed to get me..He would scream and holler in excitement and point his finger at me gloating over it. I hated to admit it, but he was right!

 There were a few times I really thought he was going to kill me.

1..We had a wooden screen door on one of the apartments we lived in, and it locked with a latch, but from the outside, you could still jiggle it a bit. The way the apartment was setup, the back of his desk faced the front door (screen door). I came home from school one day, and was typical for him - he was deep in thought at the computer, I saw my chance, and I yanked and slammed the screen door, causing it to make a really loud bang. He jumped a mile out of the chair and then he screamed. Its almost 37 years ago and I can still laugh and see this play out like a video in my head. I really scared him that time.

2..In that same apartment, one time, it was like a scene playing out of a movie. He was sitting at his desk, which was immediately behind our kitchen table. He stood up, like he was going to walk away. I pulled the chair away so I could sit in it...only for him to count on the chair still being behind him..He went flat down on his back with his head ending up underneath the kitchen table.. It was the best unintentional trust fall I have ever seen. He thought it was funny as I did, but Mom thought I did it on purpose. 

3..He had a metal Tweety tea kettle and with his back to me, I again saw my chance and I snuck up behind him and with a wooden spoon and the Tweety Kettle, I banged the two of them together. CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! He jumped really high, he screamed, and his legs started moving like he was trying to run although he never moved from where he was sitting... I apologized to him but initially he had told me to "go away, go far away" because he was so scared he couldnt even look at me" he was so angry.

Luckily, he didn't. and I lived and survived to tell these stories.

Eventually, he would laugh over them too.

We are Our Stories: Times I Managed Not to Get Killed

My Aunt had taken me shopping to some mall, and I decided to hide under one of those circular clothing racks (I was probably around 3-5 years old at the time). I have only vague recollection of this - but it sounds like me. Anyhow, so I hide under this rack when my Aunt isn't looking, and I hear her calling for me and I stayed hidden for a few minutes. I finally came out from the rack, totally proud of myself "HaHa, Aunt Bernie, I was hiding!" I'm surprised she didn't kill me LOL

.. 

One of Dad's favorite stories (and I vaguely remember this one) - If I was going to get spanked, the words I heard were "Assume the Position!". Well, I decided I was going to outsmart him this one time. I did assume the position (which meant face down across his lap) but I placed some hardcover books down my backside to cushion the blow. I thought I was so smart he wouldnt know, and I planned to scream bloody murder to make him think he made his point. Well, he started laughing so hard he couldn't spank me. So although it didn't happen the way I thought it would - I guess I was still successful!

..

In nursery school one day, I was sent to sit in the corner and they called my parents to come get me. My act of defiance? Another kid dared me to say some curse words, and I took the dare. I dont remember which parent had to leave work to pick me up, but I bawled "he made me say them!"

Speaking of cursing, I was around my parents enough and picked up on words they said. Dad, for his part, did not curse much and tried to watch what he said around me. Instead of "Oh Shit" he would routinely use "Oh Sugar".

But I could tell how to use the words they said even though they forbid me to use them. One day, angry at something they told me I couldn't do, I got out of the car when we returned home, stamped my foot and exclaimed "Damn Damn Double Damn," for which I got sent to my room. I always wondered why they didn't acknowledge the proper use of a word I had never used before.

After watching a Flintstones episode one day, Fred said to Wilma "Will you open the cotton picking door?"

A few days later, Mom took me and a friend to a movie and when we got home, she was taking too long for my liking, so I repeated what I heard: "Will you open the cotton picking door already?" I got punished over that one, but I feel it was more over my tone than what I actually said.

TONE would end up being a big thing through my teenage years.

"Don't you use that tone with me"

"Don't you put an edge on your words with me"

(This is where I would emphasize the last syllable as in alRITE! (alright)..or FINE!!!)

..

Living in NJ at the time, and I was probably 10/11 or so - Dad was working in New York and Mom and I decided to see a play and spend the day in Manhattan. Had a great time and then we took a taxi and were meeting up with Dad at the airport to fly somewhere. Getting into the taxi, Mom was taking forever..so I thought I would help her with a little nudge (push) so that I could get in to the cab too.. Oooh boy, bad decision, Bad Decision. I learned never to push Mom getting into a cab again.

Speaking of travelling, and with similar circumstances years later.. Mom and I flew to New Mexico (Albuquerque) to look at colleges. This was where I decided to go to school at NMSU in Las Cruces, but we looked at both NMSU (in Las Cruces) and UNM (in Albuquerque). It seems our connecting flight was delayed in Houston and we finally boarded very late at night...Tired, and just wanting to get there as we probably had to be up early for my campus visit - We finally board and get on the plane. I was so excited, I was probably about 10 feet ahead of Mom. I just wanted to get there! I got to our row, and looked she was looking in the overhead bins for room for her bags..Frustrated, I exclaimed loudly "RIGHT OVER, HERE MOTHER!" -- I never called her Mother - EVER... and she even said to someone "Uh oh! I'm in trouble now...he called me Mother!"  

..

Mom and I knew (and still do) know how to push each other's buttons very well.

Dad once said, Mom and I arguing was like having an open wound, and then one of us is not only swirling the knife around the wound, but we made sure to pour sugar on it too (or maybe it was salt) just to make sure it hurt..

It was during one of those arguments, Mom picked up from somewhere..some movie or something...to tell me that she was taking me out to the shed and one of us wasn't gonna make it back!!

One of the best ways for me to push her buttons when we were arguing..was I realized if I tried to get the upper hand in the argument, she didn't know how to react. I somehow learned this at a very early age. I don't remember what I did, but I got home and she had said something to the effect of "don't do this again OR ELSE".  To which my reply was "or else what?" -- In my defense, I just wanted to know what the consequences were so I could weigh my options and decide was it worth it in my opinion. The problem was, she didn't have an "or else" and it infuriated her that I asked. I remember she sent me to my room, and after my Dad came home from work (I was probably around 8 or 9), I heard the two of them talking in the living room and I heard him say, "Honey, just give him an or else!" Writing this, I started laughing - even back then my Dad and I just spoke the same language and had the same logic! (To set the record straight, I never did get an "or else what")

When I got older, I continued to use logic when I argued.

In a Penneys store one time shopping with Dad for new clothes for him - Mom and I were having one of our moments when she got mad at something I said, and whatever she said back to me - I didn't like either. I told her when she was ready to address me and talk like a human instead of a child, she could come to talk. You can imagine how well that went over. About as well as the time I told her I was probably 15 or so and "tired of her stuff!" Woo Boy.. am I ever surprised I survived to adulthood.

Even as an adult, we knew how to push each other's buttons. Part of it is we are both alike and emotional. This one time in the car, I kept pushing because I felt relatively safe with family in the car with me..She wouldn't kill me with both of there, right?  So, whatever I said I could tell I got to her..and then I had the nerve to ask her..Are you OK, Mom? You sound irritated.. Is everything alright? 

With Dad, I pushed buttons later in life, but as a young kid - Mom was really the disciplinarian and if Dad got involved, I was in big trouble!! I remember times he only had to say my name and I knew to stop before I really got it!

When I got older, I would taunt him and say 'What's your name" 

"Dad"

"What's your name on your birth certificate?"

"As far as you are concerned, its Dad"

I continued to torment him and realized if I called him, it tended to get under his skin. Every once in a while, I would hear him mutter "I am not going to do it, I am not going to do it..I am not going to let that little shit get to me" -- I told him by the time he said that, he to admit I already had - and we both laughed. 

It was because of the "Al" stuff that he swore if he could go back he would have given me a name that could be shortened to 2 letters and it was during this time he gave me yet another nickname - Jemooz - which was born out of my initials JMZ..Sometimes he would call me Jamoke.

Dad would often quip "Enough with the Al shit. My name is Dad"

This part of the Al story became famous when we saw the movie "A Good Day to Die Hard."  The plot concerned John McClane and his estranged son. Imagine our surprise to hear "Enough with the John shit, my name is Dad" from Bruce Willis. We both threw a look at each other and then dissolved into hysterical laughter. It must have taken us 20 minutes to stop laughing so hard. I think Hollywood owes us some royalties for that one.

..

To her credit, Mom taught me how to do my own laundry sometime before I left for college. As a kid, we did not have a washer/dryer in our apartment and so we went out to the laundromat to do it. This was the start of where Dad and I said she was the Psychotic Laundress From Hell. She would ask me if I wanted to go with her, and then force me to go if I said no. LOL.

At the time, she was particular about how certain things were folded, so though she wanted my company and help folding stuff out of the dryer, she would sometimes refold if it didn't meet her expectations. The way I fold towels came out of this.

Years later, the Psychotic Laundress the title was solidified, before one family vacation. By now, we had a washer and dryer in the house which was in the basement, and she was doing some pre-vacation laundry. She gave me strict orders to take what was in the washer and put in in the dryer for so many minutes on such and such setting. Typical Me, I didn't listen and I re-washed what was in the washer for another cycle. Holy Hell - That was the time Dad and I figured out it only took .06 seconds for her to turn from Mom to Bitch.

..

Dad helped me pack and move one time after I had been in Arizona for a while. He flew out using my flight benefits, and together we went to Uhaul, bought a bunch of boxes, and began packing up my apartment in Tempe when I initially moved to Chandler. We ran out of boxes and had to do a 2nd run to buy more. So we did. As he finished packing, the boxes were stacked in one corner of the apartment. I decided to mess with him as he was standing by the door after a few hours of hard labor for us both. You could see the difference in the two kinds of boxes because the color of the font was slightly different.

Me: Uh Oh.

Dad: What's Wrong?

Me: You can't have a Hunter Green next to a Forest Green?

Dad: Slams the door in my face 

It was absolutely hilarious when it occured and the perfect retort to what I said.

We are Our Stories: Jacking Off an Elephant

I haven't figured out how exactly this will work or how I will do this - but I have had this on my mind for a while. I wrote recently "We are our stories."

As time and my motivation to write permit, I am going to start capturing some of them. Not sure if they will stay on this blog or if I will create a separate blog for this purpose

They will be in no particular order, just stories I happen to remember and think of and add to my "list" - some quotes or short anecdotes, and some will be longer more involved stories.

Here is the first one.

"Jacking off an Elephant"

Mom was in the hospital for one of her knee replacement surgeries. 

Dad used the bathroom in her room, and then used the hand sanitizer from the dispenser.

It's even funnier in hindsight because hand sanitizer didn't mean as much then as it does right now.

At any rate, he used the sanitizer dispenser, which blew a load into his hands.

He came out of the bathroom, exclaimed "Look at this! It looks like I jacked off a ------- elephant!!" 

Of course, we all started laughing hysterically and somewhere - there is a picture of his hands. 

___

That same hospital stay, after surgery, I remember in recovery the Dr said to Mom, we can’t move you to a regular room until you’re stable and not asking for pain medication. 

My retort: Waiting for her to be mentally stable? 

Like that’ll ever ———- happen LOL. 

We all laughed.

Those were some good times and good one liners.

 

Dealing with the Circles of Grief

 I wrote recently in an online forum answering the question, “how well did/do I deal with grief?”

I am sharing in case what i did can help anyone else.

______

Three years ago, I would have said not well at all. 

I can recall the day and the days after when we had to put my dog to sleep and I was 15. It’s 32 years later and I can still recall those emotions and what I felt that day. 

But almost 4 years (in September) after losing my Dad, I am doing what I never thought possible: surviving and thriving. I was so devastated at first, I did not know how or want to go on. Some of what’s worked for me, in no particular order:

1. A lot of tears

2. Therapy and Grief Support Group/Groups

3. Talking...A LOT

3a. I had friends who offered to be my emergency friends...meaning...I needed to talk or cry and I could call or text them at any hour. I had a couple at work, and a few outside of work...I remember calling some just hysterically bawling I was so upset at times.

4. Keeping your loved one present. I flip verb tenses, although now mostly I feel I speak in past tense...but I interject or comment “Dad would like...” or “Dad did this” or “This one time, Dad said”...  Some of his stories have become my own.

5. SELF CARE!! Took me a while to be comfortable with this one, but now I see it as vital. I am a natural caregiver and Empath and I tend to put others first. Sometimes I wear a shirt of his for extra moral support, or I use the Dad tshirt blanket as a hug when needed.

6. Feel the feels...the only way through to the other side, is to grieve. 

7. Go for a walk. Find some kind of out. It’s ok to step away from your grief for a bit and escape. Go to or watch a movie. Travel. Write. Listen to music. I find watching or listening to something I already know is like comfort food for my brain. 

8. Keep old traditions as a way to keep them present but establish new ones too. Just because you move forward doesn’t mean you are leaving them behind. We have Chinese food on Christmas (old tradition) but we now also have Italian on Christmas Eve (new tradition)

9. It’s ok to write them, FB them, communicate the way you did when they were here. I still FB (post) on his wall with something funny or to catch him up or just talk. I bring lunch to the cemetery and talk there. We have lunch as we did when he was here on Earth. Find a way to modify your routines and incorporate him or her. Over time, you may become less reliant on them...

And lastly....Reach out. I still struggle with this somewhat, but I have people I reach out to when I need. Grief is very isolating, and makes you feel very alone in your feelings, like no one can possibly feel what you are. Although our relationships with our loved ones are unique, fellow grievers know what it’s like. We have either been there, are there, or will be there again. We get it. No matter if it’s your wife or husband, parent, child or pet...Grief is different, but it is also similar.

Being “OK” is up to you...and it comes when you are ready. That’s how it happened for me. Am I completely over it? Do I not grieve or miss him or get angry? No...I still have those “episodes” or waves of grief, but they are less frequent snd generally less intense than they used to be. I am not over the loss, but I have figured out how to manage around it. I picture it like two circles...one circle inside the other. At the beginning the smaller circle took up all the space of the larger one. Now, mostly, the smaller circle has reduced in size. That small circle is grief, and the space between it and the outer circle is managing to live among your grief.

Hugs Help

I’m not surprised, but you can only avoid the feelings/emotions for so long. As we have done for many years and as I posted last night, we participated in a cancer event to honor and remember. I had these emotional barriers I put up, or so I thought.  We saw many friends (Relay Family) we hadn’t seen in quite some time.  Even 3.5 years later my brain still plays tricks on me and I had to catch myself before I almost said, let’s take a picture. He’ll love to know I ran into you! Oops. 

A friend gave us something Dad had written in his own handwriting. That too, didn’t affect me at the time. I was and am proud of myself. There was a time seeing that would have brought immediate tears.  

Once we got home, my brain started to process the evening. I miss him, and miss not being able to share my current life with him. I have come so far in these past 3.5 years. We hadn’t seen some of these friends since the last in person Relay in 2019. It was also a stark reminder how different life is now compared to how it used to be.   Not only did I get triggered for his loss, I got triggered by how much Covid has changed everything for me, for us all. 

We did stuff to honor him and spent the day really the way we enjoyed and how he would have liked to spend too...but  the changes that caused the event to be different this year due to Covid....I think seeing some familiar faces, as nice as it was, was a reminder I didn’t really expect to affect me so strongly. 

It made me miss what was.

This AM, I went for my 2nd vaccination and I missed him more. We bonded over many early morning medical appointments or procedures. I could have seen going with me as a caregiver, just as I was for him.

The first Covid vaccine was more anxiety filled for me. After even my relatively (my definition) mild case of Covid, I had anxiety over the vaccine making me feel like i did when I was sick. I never want to feel that way again or struggle to breathe.

The second one this AM was more emotional. Dad not here. Life completely changed over the past year.  Last night made me realize how helpful a hug is, how it is something to be cherished and how much it helps.

Even after we returned home, Mom and I hugged before I went to bed.  Since last March, we have generally done elbow or fist bumps to say goodnight. It was nice.

Hugs rock. ❤️💜