Music From My Heart

I originally wrote this in February 2017, but never posted it. Not really sure why - I haven't touched the post since then, but I have never pushed the send button to post it either. For whatever reason, I just hung on to it. Re-reading what I wrote below, I feel I was giving my future self some more advice and coping mechanisms. What I wrote seems even more fitting now.
...
I am currently doing a 30 day gratefulness challenge, both on Instagram and Facebook, and the one on Instagram for today is "what song are you most grateful for"...Considering where I am at in life, and that gratefulness challenge for today - November 21 - It seemed like the right time to finally post and share this.
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The date was September 23, 1988.

My Mom had dropped me off in the parking lot of our apartment on Abbington Drive.

The song playing in the car was "Stand By Me"

"When the night has come

And the night is dark

And the moon is the only light we'll see

No I won't be afraid

Oh, I won't be afraid

Just as long as you stand, stand by me"

But I was afraid. We had just left the hospital, and my Dad. I had heard the words that my Dad had cancer. As I entered the courtyard, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I started bawling Today, I can listen to the song without crying, but when I hear it, I associate it to that event, or to the movie "Stand By Me"  - one of my favorites.

Coincidentally, at the ceremony where Dad received his Sunbeam Award from the City of Chandler earlier this week, the song was played as well, which was quite comforting in spite of the memories it holds for me.

The following day, Friday, Feb 10, Dad wrote this:
28 years ago on this date, Feb 10, 1989 having completed 28 chemo treatments and 12 radiation treatments I was declared in remission from my first cancer, non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Today I will complete chemo treatment #275 for my second cancer, Myelodysplastic syndrome. It is time to celebrate.

It was a memorable week in many regards, but, I digress.

When I'm really struggling with something, I go old school and listen to "Ooh Ooh Child" by the Five Stairsteps because I find It helpful, but most of all, inspiring:

Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter
Some day, yeah

Another song I like during challenging times is "I'll Be There" by the Jackson Five which serves a similar purpose:

Just call my name and I'll be there
And oh, I'll be there to comfort you, 
I'll be your strength, I'll keep holding on

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter
Togetherness, well that's all I'm after
Whenever you need me, I'll be there
I'll be there to protect you, 
Just call my name and I'll be there

Thinking about this post on the way to work this morning, "Cool Night" by Paul Davis played on the radio, and like the other songs in this post, it took me back to circa 1981 or 1982, when we were living in the hotel for a few months before our house in Toms River was built. I could practically see the outside of the hotel, remembering how cold the room was during the winter months - all because of a few chords in a song.

Jumping ahead to Fall of 1992, my first semester of college out of high school, away from NJ and in MD. "All I Want" by Toad the Wet Sprocket was not only played incessantly on the radio, but is instantly synonymous with that period of my life, and takes me back to the fond memories  of Towson State College, dining halls, the dorms, and watching St Elmo's Fire during Movie Nights and thinking that's what our lives would be like in the "Real World"...Not to mention beer becoming my drink of choice...

All I want is to feel this way

To be this close, to feel the same

All I want is to feel this way

The evening speaks, hear it say

1994 was a year of great celebration but also upheaval. Changes at my Dad's work. Leaving New Jersey for soon to be New Mexico for school.

As a parting NJ gift, my Mom took me to two concerts in New York City: 
Bette Midler at Radio City Music Hall and Barbra Joan at Madison Square Garden.

The two songs that really stick out from that performance:

"Not While I'm Around" which is a song Barbra wrote to her son which I've always loved.
During the performance, pictures of her and her son played on screen:
Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around
Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around
Demons are prowling everywhere nowadays
I'll send them howling, I don't care, I got ways

No one's gonna hurt you, no one's gonna dare
Others can desert you not to worry, whistle, I'll be there
Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while but in time
Nothing can harm you, not while I'm around


and "Somewhere," which was the finale song of the concert.
Things were incredibly up in the air and unknown at that time in our lives.
The song called out to both my Mother and myself..We both cried, but we both snuck looks at each other, trying to hide our tears, and then we both laughed.

Someday 
Somewhere 
We'll find a new way of living, 
We'll find a way of forgiving 
Somewhere
There's a place for us

I transferred to NMSU in Fall 1994 and stayed there for the rest of my college years, until I graduated. 

My Aunt, Uncle, and cousins lived in El Paso nearby from school, as did my Grandmother. I had a mix tape with "That's All I Ask of You" by Barbra Streisand, which I played on the drive back and forth and was pretty much perfectly timed for the 45 minute drive each way. To this day, when I hear the song it evokes memories of the dairy farms I would pass on the way.

My BFF in college and I loved to dance to Ace of Base in the clubs we frequented, so that's what Ace of Base songs mean to me, songs like "The Sign" and "Bautiful Life"

It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
It's a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh
I just want to be here beside you
And stay until the break of dawn

And oh what a beautiful life it was!

I graduated in 1997 and started working in hotels. My first job out of school,
"Barbie Girl" by Aqua and "Criminal" by Fiona Apple were both popular at the time.

"I've done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins
I've come to you 'cause I need guidance to be true
And I just don't know where I can begin.
What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal 
And I need to be redeemed"
(I would only truly understand these lyrics years later)

When I was hired by America West in 2000 and sent to Phoenix for training, "Coyote Ugly" was released and I remember seeing it in the theater with a few of my classmates.
Its no coincidence I like to visit the Coyote Ugly in Vegas so I can pretend and and feel young again!

When my parents and I make our semi-annual roadtrips to El Paso, our running joke is it's not an official roadtrip until we cue "Holiday Road" by Lindsey Buckingham (also the theme to the National Lampoon's Vacation series movies)

I found out long ago
It's a long way down the holiday road

7 Hours to El Paso and being held hostage with my Father's XM Radio Stations is indeed the definition of a long way down the holiday road!  But..the older I get, the more I appreciate the car trips as not only additional time to spend together with loved ones and make new memories, but as an escape for a few hours from normal life.


All through the years, I've associated certain songs with timeframes or events in my life, like I did above. I look to music to help, to inspire, to not feel alone, to share in my sadness, my misery, or for something uplifting when needed.

Perhaps the most intuitive of all is the lyric I have adopted as my motto since high school:
"This is the Time" by Billy Joel

This is the time to remember
Cause it will not last forever
These are the days
To hold on to
Cause we won't
Although we'll want to


Music ties my emotions not only to my heart, but to different events throughout my life.

Modifying a quote from Mr. Holland's Opus:
"These songs are my symphony.
These are the melodies and notes of my opus.
This is the music of my life"

The Human Shield

A few weeks ago, I had what I call, a nuclear meltdown. It's at the point where my stress level skyrockets well beyond my level of comfort, and I begin shutting down and not caring. I felt overworked, over stressed out, you name it. No time to breath or even think. I sulked all weekend long, and felt sorry for myself. I beat myself up for not managing my stress better, and not knowing how not to let stuff bother me that was outside of my control.

In talking to a friend, she mentioned that one of the lessons she had learned in becoming a manager was that if she continued to act as a shield for her employees, they would never have the chance to shine on their own. I realized, at work, this was exactly what I was doing. I have 2 colleagues that I am considered the lead for, and as the lead, I felt tremendous pressure and responsibility to "own" the big problems leaving the day to day to day for the others. I was shielding them.

But all this did was increase my own stress level and inhibit the others from truly growing. 

I made the decision that I just couldn't continue to own "everything" and I needed to retrain some who I had trained to come to me directly. I like having the answers, and being relied on. But, It was time to share the wealth, and yes, even share the pain with the others. I needed to stop owning ALL of the problems, because owning everyone's problems wasn't doing me any good.

So, work didn't get any less crazy, but once I put this into perspective and had a "come to Jesus" with myself over the next week - I found I wasn't as stressed because I was letting the control go. It was OK not to be in control. I calmed down and stopped obsessing.

I began applying the same concepts in my struggles with being the primary caregiver for my parents. I made a decision (again, because apparently it takes me forever to learn and re-learn) to start putting myself first. 

As an Empath, who is impacted and am susceptible to the feelings and emotions of those around me, I struggle with someone having a bad day. It can end up making my day a bad day. I give up, and give in, and sulk.  But, I made an ongoing decision that another person's bad day doesn't need to make mine a bad day too. I need to take care of myself, go out to the movies or with friends - anything where I put myself first instead of last after everyone and everything else.

Sunday night, I went to a special screening of "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" and it was the most fun I had had in a while. I laughed and enjoyed, and basically just escaped my stress for a couple of hours. It was a world of chocolate, and it did a world of good, even though it kept me up way past my bedtime.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks later. Dad had his surgery and although my schedule should have permitted me to leave work to take him to a follow up appointment the next day, I did something that has been very hard for me to do in the past: ASK FOR HELP when it comes to my parents.

I posted the below on Facebook:

I am going to do something I have trouble doing, and ask for help. Is there anyone local (East Valley area) that can help me in a big way tomorrow if I run into a problem? My Dad has a follow up with his eye surgeon tomorrow afternoon at 2pm in Glendale.

You would drive to his apartment in Chandler, then drive his car, with him, back and forth.
You would have to leave his place around 1245p, and should be back in Chandler around 330pm.

Within minutes, a couple of angels in our extended family provided me hope, and I felt like I exhaled. I was panicking at what I couldn't control. Would I be able leave work? How will I get Dad to the doctor? 

There are friends and family able and willing to help, but my way of thinking is, they are my parents and my responsibility, so why should I dump that on someone else. 
It was quite freeing to ask for help, to stop shielding my parents needs on others, the same way I had been doing stuff at work. 

I relaxed. My parents were well taken care of, in the hands of an angel, and I was able to focus on what I needed to at that moment.

In more ways that one, I need to stop being the protective shield, and allow others in.
I need to learn to share, and I need to learn to ask (more) for help.

My problems/issues/concerns over the past few weeks have remained the same, but my perspective is different. I am doing what I can to implement and live by this:

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

I am a work in progress. My journey continues.

Going Off the Plan

I am a planner.
I have always been, and I always will be.

Over the past few years, I've grown to embrace it even more, maybe because the more I realize what is out of my control - the plan is something I can use to help keep my mind at ease. In theory, anyhow.

Because reality is, what will happen, will happen - regardless of my plan or no plan.

But, I digress.

After a mentally rough week, I decided I really needed to get away.
At some point on Friday, and I am not sure exactly what flipped the switch but, I decided I hated people and needed to just spend some time taking care of myself and recharging.

The original plan was to visit my cousin and Aunt in Oklahoma City, but Plan A was a NoGo due to flight loads.

I wasn't able to join some friends that went out on Friday either, so Plan B became attempting to go to San Francisco for the day on Saturday. I was doubtful I would make it, but I figured nothing ventured, nothing gained - If Plan B failed too, then I would just go have breakfast somewhere and head back home to relax.

By the skin of my teeth and my butt in a seat, I made the San Francisco flight.
Woo Hoo!
Plan's back in action.

If I am doing the San Francisco daytrip by myself, I follow the plan I've set for myself as I have found my favorite things to do over the years:
1..I take the BART to Embarcadero Station, walk around the Saturday Flea Market at the Ferry House, and grab some free samples at the vendors who sell fresh fruits (some of the freshest and some of the most unique fruits I've ever tasted)

2..From there (Pier 1), I walk down to Pier 39, have some Clam Chowder at Boudin, grab a few beers at Wipeout as I people watch, and then shop and shmooze.

3..Sometimes, I'll walk down to Ghirardelli Square (oh, no reason, not like I want to get dessert!).

4..Time permitting, I'll walk back to Pier 1 and then Market Street to Powell to the Westfield Shopping Center, stop at the Macys and shop...and then stop and have dinner at the Bristol Market (San Francisco's version of Whole Foods) and catch the train back to the airport.

Today, the plan was just not meant to be followed. Or it was meant to be modified, at the minimum.

Step 1 - walking around the Ferry House, was intact.

Step 2 - My flight was an hour late, potentially limiting my time on the ground. To save some time, I found a new for me, location of Boudin, near where I was and stopped to have lunch. It was much LESS busy than either of the Pier 39 locations and it was relaxing to just sit outside, be cold enough I needed to put a sweatshirt on, and enjoy my soup. So I did. As I sat enjoying my lunch, a street musician was playing "Hallelujah" 
"Your faith was strong but you needed proof"

Walking around the same shopping center, I found not only a crepe place (guess where I'm going next time!), I also found an ice cream shoppe that makes their own homemade ice cream flavors. I had a Cookie Monster in a Chocolate Chip Cookie Bowl.  

By going off the plan - I found the unknown promised land I never knew existed.



From here, I checked the flights and decided the later Oakland flight was going to be my best bet, as the earlier San Francisco flight was quite full. So I rolled the dice, threw caution to the wind, and hoped I was making the right decision. I felt I was, but you never know. I really wasn't ready to leave yet, anyhow...and I wanted to make the most of my day - not just rush right back to the airport.

With the extra time granted by the later flight - I headed down to Pier 39 to my favorite place to hang and have a beer. More people watching. Two beers in, I was finally starting to relax and mellow out for what felt like the first time all week.

I was serenaded by some songs that I felt held important messages for me.
Sitting at Pier 39, a song by Andy Grammer played: "Keep Your Head Up":
I know it's hard, know its hard
To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh
And you can let your hair down, eh

I spent an enjoyable afternoon at Pier 39, before heading back up to the shopping mall to grab dinner (consciously, or subconsciously) trying to get back on plan...Only to find out my favorite dinner place had shut down! Oh well - I found a Ramen Place instead, had some potstickers and the requisite Ghirardelli Ice Cream with homemade hot fudge, and called it a day; Time to head back to the airport - to Oakland.

I was plenty early, and got settled at the Gate. When they cleared my seat, I managed to get First Class. It's only a 1.5 hour flight, but First Class is First Class. I'll take it. A nice end to a nice day. Guess my intuition was right about waiting for the later flight!

The bookend to the day was pulling out of the parking lot at the airport, and hearing "Turn Turn Turn" by the Byrds playing on XM  - something I've been listening to on repeat at home frequently. One way of dealing with stuff out of my control. One way to acknowledge that whatever will be, will be.

Once again, Thanks Universe.
I had a great daytrip taking care of ME, and
now I'm ready to take care of everyone else again.

PS: Going off the plan isn't all that bad, after all.

The House, the Door, and Dreams

A friend wrote on Facebook:

"I was challenged today and it took me out of my comfort zone.. I was told to find a picture of a door post it, share what is behind the door and how the door feels when you touch it. 

It is forcing me to see, feel and get through the door...

"The door is a stepping stone, it shouldn't lead to riches, but rather a next step to where your at currently. 

Learn to see, touch, and describe you next adventures so they come to light for you. Attract your desires to your minds eye. This allows your brain to work toward these small goals. Mental Road Mapping! "

See, feel, taste, touch, and own!"

Almost instantly, the first image that popped into my head was a locked door, that was hidden behind another locked door, and then finally a 3rd door...which eventually opened either to beach with the most gorgeous blue water or a forest/field o the most beautiful and colorful flowers, that I could just relax and nearly meditate in.

So far, I haven't been able to find a picture of the doors I was thinking of, but the image I had was that the lock, and the door itself, are holding me back from something - I fight (myself) to unlock it, finally get it unlocked, only to find myself in another room with another door and lock to contend with.

When I finally get past all the doors and locks - I have let go of everything that concerns or stresses me, and I am left with the purest version of myself; the place where I am the calmest and the happiest.

To cut to the point - when you get rid of all my stress, you get me to the real me - either on the beach, or in a field of flowers.

Interestingly, in both the field of flowers, and on the beach - I was by myself. I may be an ambivert, but I generally regain my strength and recharge my batteries by spending time alone.

When I googled "What does a door represent?"

The following was the first hit:

A door or doorway symbolizes the transition and passageway from one place to another. A door is often used to symbolize the passage from one world to another in religion, mythology, and literature. A doorway may be used in lore and literature to symbolize a short transition, while a hallway might be used as a contrasting longer transition. Even when people literally use the door of a building to enter or exit the outside world, they are going through a type of transition each time.

http://www.sbrusticdoors.com/blog/symbolism-of-doors/

This reminded me of a college course I took in Mythology, and I distinctly remember the Professor stating "House dreams represent our psyche" - that if you dreamed about a house, it was a dream really about yourself.

While the door represents what may be a transition, The house represents who or what is changing or desiring a transition.

I tend to remember many of my dreams and being an overanalytical person, when I do remember them clearly, (sometimes I will wake up long enough to write them down so I can remember them in the morning) I will analyze them to figure out what they mean or what problem in my real life I am trying to solve that I can't or am unable to in the real world.

#1
(Disclaimer: this is one I wrote down at 3am when I woke up from it - these are my raw words and emotions without any editing)

A dream so real, I could feel it.
It was intense, but a good intense.
When I woke up, the tears were running down my face at the extreme sadness from my dream, but also extreme joy.

After the nurse called out loud for the cat, The cat came to him in their final moments to comfort him and escort him. As he travelled, the cat magically disappeared. Think like the end of Ghost where Sam moves on.

At this point I woke up and the happy, peaceful, but sad, tears were running down my face.

I felt like I was the cat..trying to make others feel better.

#2
I dreamed I was in charge of something, and the meeting was held in a conference room. Somehow, the meeting room became a large plane crashing into a thunderstorm in Dallas. Because I am a detail-oriented person, I tend to dream very detailed too. I remember shutting down my laptop and placing it into my red/blue lunch bag, because, let's face it, if you're on a crashing plane, the first thing you want to protect is your laptop so you don't lose it.
I heard the words "Brace for impact" in the dream, but yet I didn't feel I was in immediate danger; somehow I was on this plane, but I was not scared. I just sensed the action in my dream.

The next scene was the plane had crashed, and had broken into a few pieces, and pieces were burning. Somehow I had survived, intact and without injury, and yet feeling I wasn't really on the plane, I was observing myself, involved, and yet on the outside looking in. Very Strange.

On Friday, something that I was involved in, in small part, crashed and burned due to someone else's actions. You could infer I had ESP and my dream was alerting me to pending harm.

#3
(More like Dream #2a, even though it was weeks later) because it was nearly the exact same dream, but a slightly different situation:
The minute I woke up, I instantly knew what the dream was really referring to in the real world.

I was on a boat and someone was missing. I swam and found them, but couldn't see them clearly underwater. In trying to get to them, something exploded. This happened 2 or 3 times where I tried to get to them or fix the situation, but this underwater bomb exploded and prevented me from doing so. On the final try, i woke up and was on the boat. Someone was being treated medically but yet I don't think it was me. I felt fine and did not feel like I was in any danger or pain. 

Today, a situation exploded exploded that was not my fault but was the fault of someone who had caused trouble before. I think in my dream I was rescuing that person (that was the bomb going off multiple times). We resolved "the bomb", after multiple tries, but it was because I found the issue so quickly.

Being the Match, Part VI (Final Post in the Series)

When and after I donated the bone marrow, the reaction from what I did, from friends and family alike, just like when I announced my decision, was completely overwhelming to me:

You saved someone's life. That's a powerful thing.

 Wow! That is inspirational!

I want to give a shout out to (Jeff) Jeffrey!!!(Hopefully he doesn't mind) 🤗

He is a cancer warrior. Besides his normal cancer fighting activities he is prepping to donate his bone marrow this week. This is going to a stranger that he was matched with. Some person somewhere else has a shot of life because he registered and then said "yes". Hopefully he will inspire others to do so.

When a loved one needs a transplant family members are often not a match. But if everyone was willing to be there for someone think of how many more families could get this gift. 🎁

He already knows he intimidates me and now I am also in complete awe of him.

Thank you Jeff for being awesome. 💖🍾(sorry I know you can't drink yet because if this)🥂🎈🎊

“The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.”
— Helen Keller

 He is one of the best human beings on this planet.

I hope and pray my kids will never be in need of a donor. But should such a need present itself, I'm humbled and grateful that there are people out there like you. Thank you so much for being someone's angel and donating life! You the real MVP 


...whoever saves a life, it is considered as if he saved an entire world."

Today our son Jeffrey Zaben donated the t-cells from his bone marrow to save the life of another man.

A mitzvah happened today.

Think about it, he is actually SAVING A MAN'S LIFE. That is so awesome.

How amazing! What a selfless opportunity to help someone else! You are amazing 

This just brought tears of joy to,me eyes. So proud of you and so happy for the chance the recipient now has because of you.

Heros come in all shapes and sizes. Today we have a hero in the class of 1992 grads group. I wanted this to be known as it's amazing and selfless act of kindness. Below is what Jeffrey Zaben is doing!!! You are amazing Jeff and we all wish you all the best today!!! You are a true HERO!! Below was written by his cousin!!

A friend wrote, "I'm a little bit in awe of you right now"

Throughout the process of being called and tested, I did a lot of soul searching. A lot of thinking, and a lot of wondering, but not questioning, why was I doing this...over the days leading up to the donation itself.

I take as if I'm doing my part. It was a nobrainer for me. Almost downplaying. Like I would expect anyone else to do to the same. Its hard for me to sometimes take a compliment in a normal situation. In my decision to undergo testing and ultimately to donate the bone marrow, to the recipient and my social circle, it seems like it has much, much more of an impact to them.  I never really thought of not doing it. It wasn't an option I considered.  Certainly, the medical and other needs of my parents, I considered, but I never wavered from my decision to donate.

"That's the thing.  Sometimes we do something, doesn't even feel like it's that big of a deal. We are just doing our part, doing what we think is right.  But we don't know what kind of impact that decision has on someone else.  They may see it as a very big deal.  It can change their life"



I found it very curious that one of the bruises on my left arm formed a definite heart shape. Another sign it was just meant to be...




This picture was taken a couple of days after the donation procedure was over.

In my soul searching, I came across two main motivations for what I did:

1..I am a FIXER, and I cannot ever fix or become a match to my Dad. I cannot cure him. So I decided to do the next best thing, and I will do something I do have within my power to do.  I will help and try to cure someone else.

2..I have some mistakes I've made in the past that I feel by giving back in such a big way, can help in some way to repay the debt I caused.

The above was written before the donation occurred; but I still feel equally as strong. I'm now past the donation process and have had time to begun processing the enormity of what I experienced and what I did. 

I am extremely proud and honored to have been chosen and had the opportunity to donate and save someone's life in such a manner.

As I wrote, it was an honor and life changing experience for me as well.

I would do it again, in a heartbeat, without question.

I hope they call me.

Links to the entire blog series:
Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Part V

The Facts of Life

The theme song to the TV show went,
"You take the good,
You take the bad,
You take them all, 
and there you have...
The Facts of Life"

Tuesday (yesterday when I wrote this) was an exercise in taking the bad in stride and fully appreciating the good that occurred in spite of the insane. There's a good blog post in there, somewhere, I wrote.

Initially, I wrote the above as a reminder to myself to expand on it later, and eventually it made its way to Facebook because I loved how the words just seemed to flow.

And here we are.
Since I'm a list person, I decided to write this as a list:

The Wrong or "the Bad":
1..After a more than normally disrupted sleep schedule, I felt out of sorts. Almost like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but I wasn't really feeling moody - just "off"

2..The minute I got in to work, was the minute I realized I had forgot all my food at home..I had nothing to eat with me. There goes the wonderful healthy and clean eating plan I generally try and stick to while at work.

3..I had no time to ease in to the day before the day started coming at me with full force. Problems, Chaos, Emails, etc. I was slammed before I even got settled.

4..At 830a, I remembered I was supposed to leave the fire extinguisher at home outside for the apartment to complete the annual check up/servicing. I had it on my list, but forgot to check the list both the night before and in the morning before I left work..probably because I was so out of it. 

The Right or "the Good":
1..For not having any food with me, I resisted the temptation to indulge in the wonderful Otis Spunkmeyer Double Chocolate Muffin in the snack machine..or any other form of carb or sugar. Somehow, I managed to maintain control, and without any food with me to eat. When my willpower works, it works.

2..I didn't look when I was getting dressed, and I mistakenly wore a smaller shirt unintentionally. But then, the fit of shirt most likely caused someone to tell me they thought I lost weight. I of course, thought they were smoking crack until I tried other smaller clothes when I got home and decided the past 6 months were finally starting to pay off.

3..I was in great company, because it felt more like a Monday, than Monday did. When I compared notes with friends and coworkers alike - they were having the same kind of day.

4..I received a compliment on a report I run, which made me feel appreciated.

5..When I realized I forgot to take out the fire extinguisher, I bolted out of work and floored it home to beat the 9am time restriction - After which, I would be charged $75 to enter my apartment and obtain said fire extinguisher.  I was home at 840a, in plenty of time..and as long as I was home, I got my lunch and snacks for the remainder of the day. I made it back and forth to work in a whopping 35 minutes, at the tail end of rush hour, and without talking with any cops!

6..As crazy and chaotic as the day was - you could say it meant JOB SECURITY!

7..There was absolutely no medical situations involved in ANY of the stress, which I was incredibly thankful for. If you know my life, medical stress sucks.

8..I still got my 10,000 steps (my daily goal) by the end of the day.

The day was proof of how much can you take before you blow, but also, to be thankful for what the day was, and what it wasn't, and to realize that everything really is temporary. 

It's all in how you choose to deal with it - you cannot control what happens to you, but you can control how you choose to deal with it.

Being the Match, Part V

And so, Donation Day was upon us. 
Monday, May 15, 2017.
5am

I woke up and for the first time since I started the process to see if I was a match, felt the nerves and butterflies hit.

I posted on Facebook:

Here we go!
The nerves, the reality and the emotion of what I'm about to do finally hit this morning, but I am still very excited to be here and to be a match out of what I am told was 15 million possible bone marrow donors registered by Be the Match.

Today, I get to Be the Match and have the opportunity to save someone's life!

Plus, I get to spend all day in bed.
(Clearly, I wrote this before the day got completely underway)

More poking and prodding.
They had trouble finding a good vein in my left arm.
Fourth try was the charm.
My left arm looks like I just took a United Airlines flight.

Loved the disclaimer of "we're done poking and prodding "for now" LOL

More lab work, then waiting for results, before going on to the next step.

This part was interesting. They collected the samples, then sent them via a chute to another part of the hospital to be tested.
Very similar to a drive thru at the bank.

So I am laying here fairly comfortably, and starting this blog.



I'm in the same unit where other procedures such as dialysis are performed, and I think, I could be saving someone just like the people in here.

After the final injection to boost my cell counts around 8am, I had about an hour break while we waited for the injection to boost my numbers one final time, so I went to the cafeteria to check out some breakfast before I was tied to the bed for the next 5-6 hours or so.

They told me I would have one hand free to Netflix, text, email, etc, but to my surprise it's my left hand that is the free one, and my right arm needs to stay in the same position. This will be an interesting learning experience as I am very severely right hand dominant! I thought it would be my left hand, but as it was explained, the strongest vein in "anyone" is the one in the middle of your right arm.

Just after 9am, I was hooked up to everything and the blood began flowing out of my right arm, into the Apheresis machine where they separated the blood, kept what they wanted (white blood cells/stem cells), and then put what they didn't want/need (red blood cells and platelets) back into my left arm.

It was quite the computer, was constantly monitoring both arms with all the connectors, and it even screams when something needs to be adjusted.  As well, it calculates the speed of transfer and how long the entire process will take. The original estimation was about 8 hours (of being connected) but it ended up being right around the 6 hour mark.

It constantly monitored the blood intake and outtake, along with vital stats - blood pressure, pulse, etc. In one of the funnier moments of the day (there were many), the machine screamed, and the nurse came running "Oh you're not breathing that's all" as she looked at the machine and back at me - as I was very clearly breathing and not under any respiratory distress.

Through this experience, I've gained a new respect and appreciation for the person I am donating to and my Dad and others like them go through on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis when it comes to being poked, prodded, injected and virtually tied to chair or bed for their treatment as tests or treatment is received. For me it was one day.

Additionally, don't take the use of your dominant hand for granted. Today, I am learning how to type and use my left hand for 100% of everything, as I learn to ignore my excessively dominant right hand and arm. When everything was disconnected later in the afternoon, the reverse occurred; I had to keep telling myself it was OK to finally use my right hand and arm.

The left hand thing was a struggle for me all day long.
I brought tons of magazines to read when I got bored with the IPad, but the left hand struggle was enough that I didn't read any of them after I lost the use of my right hand. It was just too hard to hold them up and read.

I ended up catching up on nearly all the tv shows I was behind on. Note for next time: Take care when watching medical dramas like Chicago Fire, Chicago Med and Grey's Anatomy, and you are physically in a hospital. A climactic ending scene in one of those shows caused me to gasp out loud.

I had little problems with typing on the Ipad, but the IPhone was another story. How do you left handers do it? My fingers would not stretch across the width of the phone, making it very hard to type and text!

Around 12pm, I got hungry for lunch. Lunch was paid for by Be the Match. Since I was tied to the bed and couldn't run out to Sonic, the nurse took my order and then went to the cafeteria and returned a while later: Turkey Burger with Tator Tots, and Tomato Basil Soup. With only the use of my single left arm and hand, this proved to be a very interesting learning experience:

1..Soup with a single hand is difficult, if not impossible. A spoon doesn't cut it. You tend to drop the spoonful before it ever makes it to your mouth.
I ended up sipping the soup like a cup of coffee.

2..Sandwiches are much easier if cut in half to hold with a single hand, but even then I gave up on leaving it a sandwich about halfway through, and just took the burger out and ate it.

The first hour seemed to be the worst, followed by the last hour, as far as being bored and stuck in bed, and not being able to move much at all.

In between that, time seemed to pass OK, as I was distracted by my TV watching. Really the only "side effects" I felt were a sore back and sore legs from the injections and staying in bed for so long without the ability to adjust my position by myself, as my right arm had to stay immobilized.

Approximately 6 hours later, with a few pit stops in between (thanks to all the water I was drinking and the saline they were pumping me full of), the procedure was finished. I had been OK standing up a few times during the day to use the "restroom," but by the time I got after the 6 hours mark, my legs felt quite weak so much so that I sat back down on the bed real quick to the point of almost falling back onto the bed. I had to wait a couple of minutes before I felt steady enough to walk on my own. The first thing I did once I gained my land legs back:  How nice it was to walk and use a real bathroom!

At this point, I had been disconnected from all the machines, and the bag of stem cells was about 75% full. A courier came and picked up the bag as she did nurse said "Wave bye to your stem cells" which I thought was funny so I did. Now, just had to wait for the final blood numbers to come back to see if my numbers had begun dropping from their supercharged states. Once they had - I was free to go.

We went out to dinner that night, and within a few hours I felt safe to drive myself again.

By 8pm that night - I felt normal for the first time since the injections and the soreness had definitely decreased, and would fully disappear over the next few days.

What impact would this have on me?
To be continued in the final blog post, Part VI.

Being the Match, Part IV

In Part I, I discussed how and why I joined the Bone Marrow Registry.
In Part II, I discussed the selection process and how I was tested.
in Part III, I discussed how I began to let the world know and the reaction that had on me.

Now began the preparations to get my body ready to donate some bone marrow in top form!

I would be given 5 days of injections of a drug called Neupogen to increase my blood cell counts. They said I should expect to get sore, but should have no other side effects (nausea, vomiting, etc.)

I didn't really know what increasing my blood counts meant until I was in the hospital on donation day, and the nurse told me what my numbers were (pre-donation), and after receiving my final injection:

Normal Platelet count: Approximately 100,000
My Platelet count:  Approximately 192,000

Normal WBC (White Blood Cell): Between 3 and 10
My WBC:  60

I was turbo charged!!

At any rate, they said I should expect to get increasingly, or cumulatively more, sore as the weekend went on leading up to Donation Day, because of the injections.

The first injection took place at the hospital - Thursday, May 11th.
I went in to work early to get some stuff done, before I headed up to the hospital.

It was a rough morning at work.

I only had about 4 hours of sleep and since I wasn't sure if caffeine was allowed as I started the injections and donation process, I cut out my daily cup of coffee which made me feel even worse.

Then, I felt like I got chewed out at work, but I realized it was my tiredness wreaking havoc with my emotions and taking stuff personally.

At 7am, I left for the hospital to receive the first of the 5 injections to boost my stem cell production. The 1st would be done in the hospital, the following 3 at home by a Visiting Nurse each morning, and then the final one Monday Morning at the hospital, before the donation procedure.

While there, I asked if i could have coffee or if I needed to stay away from caffeine. To my extreme joy, they told me I could infact have coffee, and then even brought me a cup. 
Ahhhhh, heaven!!.

While waiting for the injections to come up from the hospital pharmacy, the nurses and I chatted about why I was donating and how I came to be on the registry. 

It was here that I found out there were nearly 15 million people on the Bone Marrow Registry, and I was in awe that out of 15 million people, I was a match for this one person.

After the rocky morning at work, the highlight of my day came from a patient in a bed near me (who I found out was a bone marrow recipient from a donor) and his wife, who, when they overheard and realized why I was there, came up to me, and thanked me for saving someone's life.  


There was this instant kinship between us, even though we had never met - the same that my Father says he experiences with another cancer patient.  It was the first of many indications I received (in hindsight) that I was in the middle of experiencing what my Dad and other patients go thru as cancer patients daily, but I didn't realize it yet. (More on that in the next post in this series)

The injection themselves (there were 2 of of them) went off without a hitch - no reaction, just a pinch, less pain than checking your blood sugar in your finger. 

Because why shouldn't the Universe throw everything at me at once..the weekend I prepared to donate also included family members travelling to visit, and the annual Chandler Relay for Life
that we participate in.

My Dad with his own medical issues, had me worried. 
Last year, he and Mom left before or at midnight because he had Chemo all that week.
This year, his energy level was just not where it should be and I was concerned the impact of being in the sun and out for all those hours would have on him. I really hoped he could stay most of the night to fit my image of what normal was, but reality was that this probably was not possible.

Additionally, with the threat of being sore from the injections, I was already starting (this was now Friday afternoon) to feel some soreness (it settled in my back and in upper legs) - almost as if you had walked or biked 15 miles every day. This was going to be an interesting night of walking.

Even though some things were a bit different than years past, when Relay day rolled around, somehow I wasn't fighting the change. I saw the day as an opportunity to be truly thankful for what I was allowed to experience. To completely cherish, enjoy and live in the moment instead of worrying about what used to be or what may be, or what was different.

For as much as I could in all what was going on, I relaxed and was so incredibly grateful:
That the 4 hours my Dad spent with us at Relay were better than no time spent at all.

I saw the day as a precious gift to be savored. A day to CELEBRATE LIFE.

The Visiting Nurse came again Friday AM (before Relay), Saturday AM (after Relay), and Sunday AM.  2 injections each time, boosting my numbers. The Saturday AM visit was fun...after I had only been asleep for about 45 minutes. I felt completely incoherent and don't remember much of that visit - even which side of my stomach the injections went on that day.

Sunday we went to the zoo to visit some other family members, because why shouldn't I walk around and get another 10,000 steps in while I'm sore...LOL

There was nothing more to do...I increased my calcium intake by having a glass of milk daily, and took the OTC pain stuff the hospital and Bone Marrow Foundation suggested.  I was mentally and physically ready to donate.