Not Cancer!

Last Week, my Father fought a cough/sore throat for a few days. After a few days of nagging by both me and my mother, he came to the same conclusion that he needed to be seen  by a Doctor.

Black Friday Morning, he made an appointment at the Walgreens Clinic for the afternoon hours. I've used the CVS clinic before, so I suggested we go there to see if he could be get in to see someone, asap. So off we went. Because of the extensive medical history my Father has, they referred us to the next level - the ER or hospital-affiliated Urgent Care Clinic. They were afraid to mis-treat him, and thought he should have an x-ray just to make sure there was nothing seriously going on in his lungs, other than what's already there.

So, off we went again. This time, though, we tried a new place that CVS recommended - the Stand Alone ER. Its a fully functioning ER, but not attached to a hospital. We were thrilled with the service we received there and the expedience with which Dad was served. When they said they were going to take him for his xray, I left to use the bathroom and he was back before I got back. Totally unlike everytime he's been in the hospital when they take him and its a couple of hours before we see him again.

At any rate, most or all of you know by now, he was diagnosed with Bronchitis, treated with antibiotics, and the Xray showed nothing - no pneumonia, etc.

While we were waiting for the paperwork to be finished and to be released, we talked, and I could literally tell the minute they said "not pneumonia" I saw my Father's entire demeanor change. It was like seeing the stress just fly right out of his body thru his head. He still didn't feel well, but the change was amazing to witness. It was a huge sigh of relief on all our parts. 

Breathe. Relax.  Repeat.

I, too, felt that same change to a lesser degree. 

It reminds me of basically every time we see Dr. Kellogg, the Chemo Dr, or Dr. Javadpoor, the Pulmonologist (Lung Dr). Whenever its "NOT CANCER" its cause for celebration and party time. While for most people, Bronchitis is not optimal, and its even less optimal for my Father with his history, that didn't matter. NOT PNEUMONIA was reason to celebrate. NOT ANYTHING WORSE was reason to party and relax and Thank G-d for yet another chance.

This pattern routinely repeats itself. Everytime we see one of the doctors. Everytime we have a cancer scare.  YAY, Valley Fever. YAY, anything except cancer.

The past 27 years of history where Cancer has whispered, muttered, and practically yelled at times, has really changed each of our perspectives. I think it has for anyone who has heard those words, or been witness/caregiver to a family member or friend who has heard them.

Suddenly, Valley Fever or Bronchitis don't seem so bad anymore. Because it's not the C word. Its "Not Cancer."  Its like seeing the advice my Dad gave me years ago, and continues to impress upon me in action "Don't let the little shit get to you, and its all little shit..." Well, Case in point. 

Your perspective changes after cancer enters your life.  Dad posted a similar status on Facebook recently, and one of the comments from our good friend Kathy was: 

I remember reading back in 2006 that once you are told you have cancer your life ends and a new one starts where cancer is ALWAYS present. It's the first thing you think of when you cough, when you feel a lump, when you feel tired. I hate hate hate that it's always present in the front of your mind. I have a good friend who had colon cancer 30 years ago. She was very young and they almost didn't discover it until it was too late because she did not fit the profile. Needless the say, the radiation and chemo left her intestines a little on the finicky side and to this day EVERY TIME she has a intestine issue it's the absolute first thing she thinks of.

Even though going to some of these doctors scares me, like the Pulmonologist, (even though I love him because of his bedside manner), because he's the one that sent us to the hospital for the lung procedures a few months ago.  

Like everytime we begin a new round of chemo and I pray for good numbers and not a drop in the numbers. 

Even my own doctors scare me, I think, because I have an unfounded fear of hearing the word cancer yet another time.

When all is said and done, a day when you don't hear cancer is indeed a reason to celebrate.

The Day I Became a Half Marathoner!

My goal for 2015 was to complete a Half Marathon. I’ve been doing 5K’s for a few years, and it was time, and I was ready, to up my game.

While watching “The Biggest Loser” in 2014, I saw a commercial for an event called “The Biggest Loser Run/Walk,” a series of events, with one being held in Las Cruces, NM, my college town.  The cost was within the range I like to spend (about $40 or $45) versus about $70 or $80 for most other Half’s I researched and thought about competing in. Really, I had narrowed it down to two – either the Biggest Loser one in Las Cruces or the PF Change Rock and Roll Half Marathon in Tempe.  I was completely intimidated by the PF Chang’s one, because that one was for “real” runners. Though I can run part of a 5K, I didn’t consider myself a real runner. Additionally, I needed the “ability” to power walk  most or all of the Half Marathon. This is where the Biggest Loser one, won out. They permitted, and encouraged, walkers or runners, and whereas the PF Changs seemed to be more strict.  4 Hour Time Limit on PF Changs. 5 Hour Time Limit on Biggest Loser. When I’m in good shape and eating well, I can clock in with about a 15:00 minute mile. For 13.1 Miles, assuming I could maintain that pace, would take me about 3.25 hours. That was a little too close to a 4:00 Time Limit imposed by PF Changes.

I just FELT that the Biggest Loser Half Marathon was the event I should do. I knew it was the right one because I registered within days of finding out about it, instead of hemming and hawing. And with that, I registered and now had a goal to work towards.

I thrive under pressure and this time was no different. My original plan was to do a 15K and Possibly a different Half Marathon in the November-December 2014 timeframe.  The 15K didn’t happen, and I decided against the Gilbert Half Marathon because, I had really strong feeling about the Biggest Loser Race. I really wanted that one to by First Half Marathon. It was more than just a half marathon to me. It was symbolic for me – a homecoming of sorts, by returning to my college town 16 years after I graduated and a celebration of how far I’ve come since turning my life around in 2011.

Throughout November and December, my usual “Sugar Bender” months, I struggled not only  with eating healthy but also in working out.  Although I had been building up my miles for a while, and had been able to successfully run/walk 10 miles a couple of times during that time, My first real attempt to train and reach the 13 mile mark was on January 1^st, New Year’s Day.  

New Year, New Me. All of a sudden I was able to stop eating sugar, resuming healthier eating habits, and return consistently to the Gym. On January 1^st, I found a route and set out to walk 13.1 miles to see how long it would take me.

A few blisters on each foot later, I made it just under 10 miles, before I had to call my Dad to pick me up because I didn’t think the blisters had another 3 miles left in them to get me back to my car.  I was so disappointed!  But, 10 Miles was 10 Miles. At least it was more than what I usually walk.

The blisters sent me into a mandatory rest period from walking until they healed and I could walk again without pain. Within a few days, I was able to return to the gym and use the Bike and the Elliptical. 

On January 11, with 7 days before the race, my feet finally felt better enough to try again. This time was do or die. I had to complete the 13 miles, or I would need to switch races into the 5K instead. I really didn’t want to admit defeat (or would that be deFEET!). This time, I decided to stay close to home in case my feet became too painful.  Around Mile 9, I could feel the blisters, but I pushed on and finally completed 13.14 miles in 3:39. Woo Hoo, Here I come Las Cruces!

This time, however, the blisters were in some ways worse…A blister on each foot along with a bruise between 2 toes on my left foot.  I was afraid I would not be able to walk another Half Marathon in just 7 days, so I stopped all working out and walking in an effort to let my feet heal.  All week long, although the pain got somewhat better towards the end of the week, I could not maintain a long distance walk.  And forget about running.

I thought maybe it was too soon, or I was increasing my training too rapidly.  But I am competitive and two of my workout friends also had a Half  Marathon as part of their 2015 goals, and the competitor in me wanted to be the first, especially since I had already signed up!

Fast forward to Saturday, the day before the race. I still have pain, but its Packet Pickup Day. This is where you go, sometime before the race, to pick up your racing bib and t-shirt.  They had an Expo – kind of a trade fair, with different running and racing related vendors offering freebies and selling running related stuff. I bought a couple of stickers relating to completing a half marathon; I figured this could be added encouragement. I couldn’t very well buy a sticker and then not complete it!  One of the rules of the race was that everyone who completes their race would receive a Finisher Medal, so I took a picture of that too!  I figured when I wanted to die around Mile 8 or 9, If I kept my eye on the prize, it might help.  Being around the other participants really got my juices flowing. I was really excited. I wanted to start it right then and there.

Saturday Night, I went to a casino-themed fundraiser. Drinks and appetizers/snacks were included. I carb loaded for the race using tortilla wrap ups and pre-hydrated with a couple of beers. Not conventional, but it worked for me! 

After we got home, and I got everything ready for the race. Here’s where my OCD kicked in, and multiple times I made sure I hadn’t forgotten anything – Shirt, Bib, Pants, Ipod, Earphones, Keys, Etc. I wanted everything to be perfect.

It was probably 11p something before I got to bed and I set the alarm for 530a. At 4a, I woke up wide awake. I was probably up for 10 minutes before I even realized that I was awake. Fell back to sleep, and woke up at 5a in a panic, thinking I had overslept!  Couldn’t figure out why the alarm hadn’t gotten off until I saw that I had set it for 530a.  I woke up feeling nauseous and wanted to puke. I was pretty sure it was all nerves.

I left just around 615a and it took about an hour to drive to Las Cruces. I was so nervous, thinking what am I doing?  Especially since I was damaged goods with a couple of blisters and a bruise, going into the race.  I’m a big believer in intuition and “signs” and I hoped I would get one. As it turned out, just before I arrived at the stadium where the race began and ended, appropriately called “Field of Dreams,” I got my wish. “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey played on the radio, and tears started running down my face. As I completed my first 5K in late 2011, that song happened to play on my MP3 as I crossed the finish line. In that moment, I knew. I felt it in my bones. I knew I was going to finish my first half marathon within a few hours.

I arrived, parked the car and found my way. It was cold, but not as cold as I was expecting. I had been hoping to leave my jacket in the car, but it was too cold to take off.

They began making announcements and lining everyone up around 745a (The race started at 8am), They informally corralled the Half Marathoners into 3 Groups:  Run, Run/Walk, and Walk. They had previous Biggest Loser Winners and Contestants, motivating the crowd. I was really impressed with how they were motivating. It was made very clear that although this was a race, it should be a race with yourself, your goal should be to cross the finish line, don’t worry about what anyone else is doing or what their time is. It was a really “feel good” event. THIS was why I had chosen this race, or maybe the race chose me!

I was scared I wouldn’t make it the whole way, and that the police or the ambulance were going to have to take me back to the starting line, and I would have failed my goal, and even worse, failed myself.  I was so terrified that I never put anything on Facebook until after I completed. 

The gun was blasted and the runners launched at 8a on the dot.

Although I signed up as a Walker, I decided to launch with the Run/Walkers. I had decided to run just the Start and the Finish of the Race.

At 805a, the gun was blasted again and my group was off! Oh My G-d, here we go! I ran for about a .25 mile or maybe a bit more. Almost immediately, I regretted wearing the jacket because if it was unzipped at all, it would start falling off my shoulders. I had to leave it zipped to avoid it falling. Oh boy. Other people apparently experienced the same thing because I later saw jackets on the ground all along the route.

Miles 1 and 2 weren’t that bad and were pretty uneventful. Finished Mile 2 around the 29 Minutes mark, which was perfect.

Around Mile 3, I was really getting warm and I took the jacket off, and double tied it around my waist. Around the same time, I was really starting to feel the blisters, so as much as I could, I tried to put most of the pressure on the heel of my foot instead of the ball, because that’s where I had the blisters, and the part of my foot where I am blister prone.

At the :57 or 58 Minute Mark, according to MapMyWalk I had 3.95 Miles, so I decided to run to get the last .05 miles and finished off the 1^st hour with an even 4.00 Miles. Only 9 more to go! Although I planned to walk the race, I had decided I would run the start and the finish, no matter how much pain I was in.

At 6 Miles, I was almost halfway, and had never been this excited to be in a race before. I commented in a text to my friend Jenn, “I’m also in the middle of nowhere, so I must make make it back. They must have tailored the route for me!”

For the most part I was alone, a few people near me here and there, but the speed of the runners, for the first time, really didn’t effect me.  The day was about ME, not them.  This was MY RACE.

I went into the race, thinking, I will accomplish my goal and then I will go back to either 5K or 10K Races. Less than halfway, and I had already decided I want to do another after my feet heal – probably later in the year.

The halfway mark was just past the 6 mile mark. Halfway to the Promised Land!  I attempted to take a selfie. I found its very difficult to power walk, snap a selfie and capture the Halfway Markers in the same picture. I’m not sure if the picture that resulted is my determined face, my crazy face, or a little of both!

My Phone App was off from the official mileage, so their 6.5 miles was around 7 on my phone.  I found myself thinking, wow 6 Miles is not that long or far off! I got a huge burst of energy just by making it halfway, that lasted until about Mile 9. 

I had trouble from miles 3-7 until I hit the halfway point, which gave me a burst that lasted until Mile 9, when I was really starting to feel the pain..It never decreased, but continued to increase..As I approached Mile 11, my motivation increased again as I kept picturing myself running down the finish line. 

At 2 Hours, I had 7.90 Miles, which meant I had about 1.5 hours left.

Since I was getting further off the official mileage, I decided I was going to use both times – my phone app’s time and the official time. I had so much alone time, It was great for thinking. I came to the realization that completing a half marathon, or any race, is just as much mental preparation as it is physical.

At 2:15, the ipod died. Damn ipod!  I switched to Pandora on my phone and hoped it would make it to the finish line. Thank G-d for the 80s Cardio Music station! 

The Rest Stops were every 1.5 miles, and were well placed and staffed – most offered water and Gatorade. I started with water and then switched to pure Gatorade, to replenish what I was sweating off. It was orange flavored.  I  think even if it had been Peanut Butter flavored I would have had it!  They also had portapotties at every Refreshment Stop, but I never used them. I guess with the amount of liquid I took in, I was only replacing what my body was getting rid off.

Somewhere between Miles 9-11, 4 motorcyle cops passed me in the opposite direction. I think they were going behind the last walker to reopen the walking path as that person finished. I was afraid it would be me, so blisters and all I tried to walk as fast as I could!

At 11:11 I had about a mile left according to my phone and about 1.75 on the official route.

I was getting closer, but my feet, or more accurately, the blisters on my feet, were really hurting. I could feel the squishing underneath my feet. But, I was determined, no matter how much pain I was in, I was going to run down the finish line. I felt so strongly about the finish line that as it turned out, I never needed to look at the picture of the medal to keep my eyes on the prize! As I struggled with the pain from Miles 9 and up, I kept picturing myself running down the Finish Line. With every painful step of the blister, I vividly imagined how great it was going to feel to run across that finish line and prove to myself that I really could complete a Half Marathon.

I texted Jennifer “No pain, no gain…I’m living it today!” She was really my cheerleader and texting her helped distract me some from the pain or just help passing the time.

At 11:25, according to my phone I completed 13.1 miles! I had knocked almost 20 minutes off my training time!  This gave me the last burst of energy I needed to get through the rest of the race. I was about a half mile or less from the Finish Line.

The Finish Line, like the Starting Line, was a inside a high school running track. Once I entered the Track, I began to run again. Eff those blisters! Nothing was going to stop me now..I made it about halfway around the stadium before I had to stop and walk for a bit..I made the final turn into the Finish Line, took my sweatshirt off (it had been tied around my waist) and ran like I never ran before.  

I was on FIRE! And so were my feet!  Through all the pain, through  4 years of losing weight, This was my time and I was owning it. I crossed the finish line, I don’t really remember what happened, but I high fived everyone as I crossed through and the Finishing Medal was placed over my head.

At 11:39, I crossed the Finish Line! I thought I would bawl with emotion at realizing such a goal and milestone, but as with all races, I got super excited and did not even see my official time and forgot to turn off my phone app.  The announcers (previous Biggest Loser winners and contestants) congratulated me. I didn’t cry, but I described the feeling as “being completely and utterly beside myself.” I was in shock. I don’t really remember what I was thinking other than experiencing pure joy and probably “OMG I really effing did it and disbelief at the same time like I couldn’t believe it. It was ecstasy.

The reality was, running down the finish line was everything I had dreamed and more.

There was the woman as I  made my way to the snack area who looked at my bib and saw the Half Marathon and said “God Bless You”.

I grabbed a couple off mandarin oranges, a bottle of water, and a banana. Looked for a place to sit..I was afraid if I sat on the ground I wouldn’t be able to put the pressure on my feet to get up again!  So I found some chairs near the stage and settled in and snacked.

They had the results for the Run (I was in the Walk Category) posted, and times were so low I thought, Wow, those are serious runners. I had no intentions, or even hope, or placing for an award.  I wanted to FINISH, period.  And not be the last one!

But as I snacked they said they were going to announce the Walking Winners. They announced the 1^st Place in Each Age Category, only kind of half listened, didn’t hear my name.  But, I didn’t expect to, either.

Then came 2^nd Place. When they came to my Age Category, 40-44, I heard them mispronounce my name. OMG! I placed! Then I started to cry. It was completely unexpected and caught me off guard!  For placing second, I got an official portrait with my medal and a certificate and a ribbon. So I got my Race  Bling!

This was the ultimate sign. It was perfect.  I was meant to do this race. It was meant for me, and meant to happen. It’s why I felt so strongly about doing and completing it, and why I felt if I had to pull out, I would have been devastated.

I took pride in my battle scars – a discolored toe nail on my left foot that will probably eventually fall off, and a huge blister on the ball of my right foot, It looks ugly, but it will heal. Those battle scars mean I am not only a runner as of today, but I am a half marathoner. 

The "Gift" of Loss and Your Perspective

We think of memory loss as just that - a loss.

It's a loss to those around someone who know and recognize the difference between what is and what used to be.

To the person experiencing the memory loss, maybe it needs to be re-imagined as a "gift"of sorts. The gift of not knowing the difference. The gift of experiencing the same moment, or asking the same question - with the same perspective - over and over.

We have a choice, in every situation. We can choose to see something as being "taken away" or we can choose to embrace it as a "gift". We can choose to see the negative, or we can accept that we are powerless to change certain things, so its time to absorb and move on. We can choose to see it not as a loss, but as a moment cherish.  A moment spending time together is indeed, a gift.

Speaking of perspective, it's all in yours. I read earlier someone who stated "This has been the longest week of my life and it's only Thursday."

My first reaction was "unless you are dealing with something life threatening for you or a loved one, your week couldn't possibly have been that bad"

I stopped myself from responding. Just as my perception is my reality, so is theirs.

My perspective has definitely been changed over the past few months. So much stuff is little stuff in the grand scheme. Little stuff that I just don't have time for anymore.

The person in question was referring to looking for a new home in a new city. Granted, looking for a new place to live can be stressful. So can watching a loved one suffer.

But I find I judge things by comparing what others complain about to my own stress. So many of the things I stressed about 4 months ago are things I no longer stress over. There are bigger fish to fry in my world these days.

Perspective is like perception. To each of us, our own ideas and struggles are the most important thing.

Cherish

You may not know that your last breath may in fact be, your last breath.

The Police probably said it best in "Every Breath You Take":

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take

Every decision or action you take, you affect not only your life, but the lives of your friends and loved ones, and the unknown lives of strangers.

Please, Please, Please, tell those you love that you love them.

Don't wait to express your emotions or tell someone how you really feel,

because the days and weeks you spend waiting, may never come.

Tell them love you them.

Interrupt your plans to answer that phone call.

Change your plans at the last minute.

Feel guilty over nothing.

This afternoon, while running errands, I stopped at Target.

Didn't find what I wanted, so I walked out the door, went to the car and pulled out of the parking spot.

After I backed out of the spot, I noticed a driver at an extremely high rate of speed turn down the same aisle I was and come flooring it down the alley. As I passed him, I honked to tell him to slow down.

The next thing I heard was the sound of metal plowing into the front doors of Target.

Literally where I had just walked out moments earlier.

In a flash, his life changed forever, and those of his loved ones.

He could easily have hit me.