Part 1 - Another Apple Upset the Cart

 Part 1

Another Apple Upset the Cart

(Written in December 2020. I never did post it, but now I know why. I’ve been writing recently, and this will eventually be a series of 3 blog posts...Part 2 coming soon)

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I am in what feels like a vicious cycle of back and forth, anger and acceptance, peace and war..within my head. It has been ongoing for a couple of weeks and my overly analytical side tries to figure out the cause, but I think the truth is, there is not one cause, there are multiple.

1..I'm in the leadup to both my birthday and Christmas, and in the middle of Chanukah. Historically, the lead up to most holidays and birthdays etc is rougher for me than the actual day itself.

2.Years ago, someone gave me this quote which I think is what is happening now:

“When something big happens that you have no control over, your instinct is to try and control everything.  When that doesn't work, you focus on things you can't control and can't let go of”

First, I focused on someone that discredited me - So much anger toward a comment. I can't even remember what this person said other than it infuriated me and I stewed over it for more than a week. Someone else asked me what they said; I couldn’t even tell them anymore. Crazy, right?  I know I need to let it go.

Then, I made peace with that after talking to another friend who gave me another piece of sage advice:

"We have some good sides to life but our universes are not what they used to be and we just aren't that happy about it"

3..I got all my holiday shopping done early, and planner that I am - I even had every night planned out...But sometime after Chanukah started, I lost all my motivation. I don't care. I think I am hurting so bad emotionally - I don't want any joy right now. I don't want to bake. I don't want my birthday. Although, I do want Chinese food on Christmas. LOL.

4..Mom seems to be pretty happy like she is not depressed at all, and is seeing her retail therapist quite a bit. This stresses me because I see her savings as part of my safety cushion if we run into any financial trouble (ie: I get laid off). When she starts spending more than I think she should, I panic. There goes the savings, I think. 

All it takes is one apple to upset the proverbial cart. As I wrote above, I made peace with something bothering me. Yesterday, after we got the mail, Mom said something about donating to a couple of charities that sent her donation requests and I blew up and said why don't you just donate to everyone that sends you something? She laughed and thought I was joking - No smiles here. It was a stupid thing to blow up at, especially now reading this a month later. I think I just had had it.

5..My normal methods of dealing with stress and anxiety are really not available to me right now. I am choosing not to travel to stay safe. Although we did when they first opened, we have not gone to the movies at all recently - again, to stay safe. I try to go away for my birthday - someplace special or to celebrate life..But this year, so much has changed and continues to. Even my secondary plans to go back to California to the beach or to Las Vegas are not viable options. Nowhere is safe. I am COVID burned out as I recently said to someone. 

6..Since we couldn't travel, I came up with some tentative things for the weekend of my birthday (which starts tomorrow)

Two things irritated me here:

a. When I said I wanted to go to Sedona, my Mother said "why? There is nothing there." to which I replied, its my birthday and I get to say what we do.

b..Her hair appointment was originally scheduled for today, Wednesday. Her hair dresser asked her to move the appointment to Thursday - my birthday. As crappy as I felt, I kind of want to forgot doing anything fun on my birthday, but I was flabbergasted she even considered moving her appt to my birthday. I told her I guessed it was OK. I had a passive-aggressive moment. “I don't matter,” is what my anxiety and depression said to me in that moment. Her needs are more important than mine" is what I heard, even though I know...anxiety and depression lie to you to stoke the fire of your pain.

I didn't give either of us Chanukah gifts last night and I stewed and then went to bed. I was so angry and upset..as I have been off and on the past couple of weeks. (again, back in December...)

I am angry and sad that:

I cannot really travel the way I would like to.

I cannot spend my birthday or Christmas the way I would like to, and traditions and life are constantly being modified.

My Dad is not here to help deal with things when it gets difficult like this.  My Dad is not here period because when I get this like it all circles back to grief.

I have control issues that i really need to let go of, because in the end, my Mother’s money is hers to choose what to do with. As much I sound and feel like a control freak at comes, it comes out of a need to plan for and forecast the future, which isn’t always possible.

I can't let go and stop focusing on what I really need to stop focusing on, and start focusing on the positives and what I should be.

2020 has taken its toll.

I realize I have a choice on how I act and react. 

I need to change how I am reacting.

In one of the same conversations recently with a friend, she brought up this quote or idea by Joyce Meyer:

The 5 Minute Rule

Only for that 5 minutes give that event.

In 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 years..you wont remember and it wont matter.

This is so true, but it is so hard for me to do right now.

Do I really want to remember this birthday as the one I gave in sulked and made it bad for others?

What if it is my last birthday or my Mother's last one?

Do I really want to give into 2020 and all the shit this year has been.

It is really time to recognize how far I've come with all we’ve dealt with this year.

It is time to make applesauce out of those apples and lemonade out of those lemons.

You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” --Brian Tracy

We can't have things as they were or used to be. 

But we can make the most of what we have while we have it.

The trick is how to get my mind to stop going there and just accept life as it is.