Every Step is a Step Forward, Even if it Feels Like You are Stepping Backward

Last weekend was about my Mom.

All about my Mom.

As it should be.

It didn’t work, but I tried to put my grief on hold and focus everything on My Mother, her Birthday, and Mother’s Day.

Friday, we went out for a nice dinner, as we usually do on Fridays.

We went to Texas Roadhouse and both had enough leftover for another meal.

Satruday, as we usually do again, we went out for Mom’s Birthday – this time to Sal’s. (Italian).

Sal’s is one of our favorite/regular places, and it was the first time we thought of going there since my Dad died.

On the way there, I started to tear up, but I shoved those feelings down.

This weekend was about Mom – I wasn’t going to get upset or bring her day down.

I shoved those feelings down so hard, I wonder if part of me hoped I could never recover them.

Sunday, we planned to either go out again (LOTS of leftovers!) or eat some of the leftovers.

Since it was Mother’s Day, I hoped to go out, but it wasn’t in the cards.

We both had a bad emotion kind of day.

Even though Mother’s Day is about Mothers – It caught me off guard.

Maybe it caught both of us off guard.

I did not expect that Mother’s Day would hit me and both of us, so hard.

We got thru my Mom’s birthday pretty well unscathed.

Her birthday did not hit us the way my birthday did.

I thought, Wow..she is dealing with it pretty well..

Seeing as how on my birthday, I did not want to honor it, I did not want to celebrate it, I did not want to anything it, because it was nothing without my Dad here.

Those feelings I shoved down and tried to avoid, came bubbling back up to the surface on Sunday with Mother’s Day.

Without my Dad here, the day felt awkward, out of place, something was missing, empty.

What I learned was, you can’t put grief on hold anymore than someone telling you to “get over it” doesn’t work either.

I read something recently – “every step is a step forward, even if it feels like you are stepping backward”

That’s exactly what this felt like – If Mother’s Day was this tough, I am not looking forward to Father’s Day.

It took us a few days, but we recovered.

In hindsight, that is definitely a step forward. 

We didn't park there permanently. 

Thank Goodness.

Judging from what I see in the online support groups I participate in – I am not alone.

Any holiday is rough.

And It is impossible at least for me, to compartmentalize my grief, as I tried to do.

I think its the first time I tried to.

Much like it did with my Dad, it drives me insane and irritates me to no end when I cannot fix what is wrong with someone else.

All I want is to make it better, but I can’t even do that for myself, in this situation.

So instead, what we can do is make the most out of the time we get to share together.

Like going out to dinner, and to see live theatre like the Diary of Anne Frank last night.

We both enjoyed the night and the company. <3

We stopped on the way to see my Dad. 

The timing was just right.

We got to visit with him and "see" and talk to him on our way to go out last night

It almost felt like he was right there with us, even though plays and especially stuff involving the Holocaust was just too hard for him to take.

What I can do is what I have long advised others to do – celebrate the small victories, and just tread and navigate through the rough waters when they appear.